u p  d a t e d  w e e k l y !

Chronicling the new Empire of America, the uber-Bully.

2 June 2003

Turd of the Week

John Ashcroft, trying get a little credit for the capture of Eric Rudolf, is a compelling candidate. However, Dubya yanks the turd mantle from the guy who lost the Missouri Senatorship to a dead guy, with his "outreach" to embittered Europe. -Too farcical to believe.


New Feature! Blabbering Bush Head

Click head for fresh random quote from
Jacob Weinberg's The Complete Bushisms
- Netscape users hit reload

ARCHIVES

Civilian casualties update
This data is an accounting of civilian deaths in Iraq to date.
See Iraqbodycount.net for statistical methodologies


Sponsors:


Growing fat off juicy Iraqi rebuildin' contracts. Did you know the bin Laden group is one of our top investors?


screw all the other stockholders, we're cashing out!


Hey, what do you know? We make money from American militarily screwed up countries in the Middle East!


We're already negotiating with the “new Iraqi democracy” for oil rights!


Selling weapons all over the globe to ensure civilian death and instability which in turn ensures a strong market for years and years...

 

Iraqi Weapons of Mass Destruction Count
To date, the following items have been found and have been verified to have some functional aspect that may be non-inconsequential in the production of weapon-like materials which could, under specific circumstances, be employed to harm United States Civilians:

  • 2 Trailers equipped with vats whose shapes are nearly identical to vats used to hold chemicals! More trailers of a similar nature are suspected.
  • These vats yielded traces of chlorine bleach, one of the substances that could be used to clean up chemical weapons labs and bathrooms used by scientists during breaks from making chemical weapons!
  • Vast reservoirs of Dihydrogen Oxide, a chemical widely used in the preparation of chemical, biological and yes, even nucular weapons. This insidious compound, composed of two atoms of Hydrogen diabolically fused with a single otherwise innocent atom of Oxygen, is an essential ingredient in every type of terrorist weapon known to humankind. If this chemical invades the human lungs in even modest quantities, death follows.        Ladies and Gentlemen, your smoking gun.
  • Enormous underground stores of flammable toxic substances. Beneath the desert sands, American inspectors have found huge reservoirs of a highly flammable petrochemical. Refined, this chemical can be converted into fuels used to transport weapons of mass destruction. American weapons specialists are busy pumping this insidious and harmful weapon out of the underground stores for transport to safe storage in Houston, Texas, thus protecting the Iraqi people from this dangerous toxin.
These are merely the tip of the ice berg. As inspectors fan out into rural areas, they prepare to encounter sedimentary, igneous and metamorphic bludgeoning implements, shovels indistinguishable from those used to bury chemical weapons and highly noxious semisolid camel-derived olfactorily overwhelming devices known as Tactical Usurper Repellent Devices.
Dick Cheney Gets an Extra $100,000/Year; Poor Get Jack Shit
So the Prez signs the tax bill and it becomes official. As bazillionaires begin to look for unemployed Systems Analysts to scrub their beach house toilets, the economy gathers steam and all boats are lifted. Of course, some boats gets lifted a whole lot higher, particularly the high-end, teak-festooned, luxury yachts.

"So, Mr. Crap Sickened Pundit, we've heard yer yappin' for weeks and nothin's new. Shut up and start buying that new lawn tractor already."

Well, the latest twist is that families earning $10,500 to $26,625 (not the aforementioned yacht owners) will not get the increased child credit that was one of the bill's hallmarks. However this cruel logic was inspired (Is that what they get for breeding irresponsibly?), it means that poor people with children won't see any of the trickle down, unless the Cheney compound needs its septic tank cleaned a little early from all the caviar inspired dunnage.

An analysis jointly performed by the Brookings Institution, the Center on Budget and Policy Priorities and Citizens for Tax Justice reveals that 6.5 million low-wage families, with nearly 12 million children, won't get a penny of tax relief, contrary to Bush Regime assertions. This brings the figure to 50 million households who will see no benefit from the tax cuts. Now, the Cheney family? That's another story.

Clear Channel Coming to your TV, Newspaper, Brain Implant
The Federal Communications Commission will be deciding this week, whether or not to throw out regulations limiting media monopolies. The FCC is expected to eliminate barriers to monopolistic media practices. Given the physical limitations of electromagnetic radiation and our technology's abilities to broadcast and receive on finite slices of same, there are only so many individual stations that can operate in a given geographic area. To allocate these slices, the FCC has awarded licenses and historically has obligated licensees to minimum public services messaging and limits on their ability to saturate markets and cross media boundaries. The market saturation barrier was removed in 1996 and Clear Channel and Cumulus have quickly snapped up huge chunks of the finite bandwidth, limiting diversity of programming and extending direct political muscle into its policies.

The Chairman of the panel is trying to circumvent the public comment process and enact the monopoly allowance policies before public debate can organize. If passed, we can expect the diversity of mainstream media opinion will shrink correspondingly. And of course, as diversity dissolves, so does the need for objectivity, which in turn, leads to temptations of subjectivity toward a political purpose. Given the Bush Regime's cozy relationship with Clear Channel executive leadership, this pundit will continue to mine their information only as sources of deliberate disinformation

Operation Freedom Cram
So, the grateful Iraqis welcoming liberators ain't exactly adhering to the Bruckheimer script. With Rummy and company blaming Saddam, France and American liberals for the chaos that now reigns over Iraq, the Donald is upping the ante by pouring money, troops and good old fashioned muscle into the region. The plan is to use overwhelming force (Hey, it worked for operation enduring eagle!)... But in a curious zig zag strategy, Bremer wants Iraqis to have guns, including the good ol' standby AK-47.

Are we going to turn the country over to chaotic forces of gunbarrel democrazy? or are we going to enforce peace through 200,000 GI Joes with hair-trigger fingers? Either way, it seems like a losing proposition.

Finally, the Dems are showing signs that they may actually not be invertebrates after all. With increasing focus, the new party of responsibility (fiscal, humanitarian and military) is articulating the implicit moral corruption of Bush's foreign policy. If the two legs of Bush's image stool (decisive war-maker and tax relief to the wealthy to simulate the tepid economy) don't continue to look increasingly reckless and built on lies, the Dems might just eke one out. It all depends on whether or not Americans want to dig beneath the Fox"News" info-graphics.

Dirty Hydrogen
All us dangerous liberals were pleasantly surprised to hear Dubya wax poetic about hydrogen powered vehicles. The petroleum pimp was getting green. Now, it turns out his administration's National Hydrogen Energy Roadmap (which was developed with strong input from the energy industry) indicates upwards of 90% of the hydrogen will be developed using... fossil fuels! I know what you're thinking- wouldn't this be just the same old pollution, but emanating from a hydrogen factory instead of from car tailpipes?

And you'd be right!

  Crap Archives
Links
About  
  Legal Disclaimer: All information on this site has been carefully considered as to its inflammatory value against the backdrop of the prevailing standards of cultural depravity. Research is spotty at best. The resulting verbiage, though dead-on and wickedly insightful (not to mention inciteful) should be considered pure satire, if for no other reason than to deflect lawsuits.