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The Last Bastion of America's Liberal Media

04 Aug 2003

Turd of the Week

Admiral Poindexter, where ya' been? We've been wondering what you've been up to since giving bombs to the evil Ayatollah and financing the drug trade through the Contras. Now you're caught holding the bag on the terrorism futures gambling web site, so offensive even the Bushies couldn't stomach ya'

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Civilian casualties update
This data is an accounting of civilian deaths in Iraq to date.
See Iraqbodycount.net for statistical methodologies


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Growing fat off juicy Iraqi rebuildin' contracts. Did you know the bin Laden group is one of our top investors?


screw all the other stockholders, we're cashing out!


Hey, what do you know? We make money from American militarily screwed up countries in the Middle East!


We're already negotiating with the “new Iraqi democracy” for oil rights!


Selling weapons all over the globe to ensure civilian death and instability which in turn ensures a strong market for years and years...

 

Saudis Snubbed from Recent 9/11 Report
With Bush's ridiculous arguments about Saddam's relationship with terror, it comes as doubly absurd irony that the Saudis, his good buddies, were in fact demonstrably aligned with the militant Islamic terrorists that laid the World Trade Centers to waste. The bipartisan report is said to have long detailed passages implicating the Saudis in Al Q'aeda support, but then Bush and Cheney, in their final review before sending it to Kinkos, spilled some sweet Saudi crude oil all over the Saudi passages.

Under increasing pressure to declassify the crude-oil tainted pages, Bush cites Nixonian national security interests and says it will "help our enemies" (also known as "the Democrats in 2004"). Now the Saudis are begging for disclosure of the mystery pages, claiming that they want to face the allegations head on.

Careful oh-ruling-class-completely-free-of-fingernail-dirt. Leaks from Capital Hill include allegations that a couple of Saudi spies were among the 9/11 hijackers and further information about financing via the royal family. Can it be true? Can our bedouin buds be bringing the pain on their favorite petroleum addicted market? After all we've done for them?

Don't worry folks, we won't have to confront that. Even though it's the 30th anniversary of Watergate, the Rhinestone Cowboy hasn't a thing to fear. Congress is his for the pimp slapping and the Judiciary? C'mon it's back to the good ol' days of witch trials and public stonings.

Bullseye for the Queer Guy
It's not enough to shore up one's manhood by invading sovereign nations minding their own despotic business. Nope, in order to really get in touch with alpha hetero inside him, Georgie's gotta put the clamps on Gay Marriage. Apparently, in the weeks since the SC ruling on Texas sodomy, America is going Gay Crazy!! Well, Bush recognizes the Supreme cloaked ones may have laid out the red carpet to BrownTown, but, he's making damn sure that monogamous commitments and Crate and Barrel registries are solely the province of complementarily genitalled pairs.

Don't worry funhole experimenters, Bush understands that "we're all sinners" and "I think it's very important for our society to respect each individual," but cautions "that does not mean that somebody like me needs to compromise on an issue such as marriage."

That's my favorite absurdity of the whole "defensive marriage" line of thought - that the recognition of monogamous commitment between two gay people somehow compromises somebody else's marriage. I don't know about Georgie and Laura, but my marriage won't change a damn bit just cause the lesbians down the street get to check a box on their 1040s.

And now, the world's leading expert on heterosexuality and marriage, the Pope, is weighing in on funhole politics with a ringed thumbs-down.

Terror Speculation Gets Vegas Fever!
I had to read the stories several times to make sure I understood what was going on. The Pentagon (Rummy's Sandbox) was funding several million dollars into a website where gamblers could speculate on the likelihood of horrific doom and destruction. These gamblers would have potentially won modest sums of money by correctly predicting acts of terror visited upon Americans and other peoples of the world. Presumably, the Pentagon could have used this data to fine tune its terror probability assessments. Everybody wins!

In plain crapspeak, Rummy wanted to throw $8,000,000 of future taxpayer debt (interest not included) at a website so that any loser around the world with a credit card, an internet connection and a gambling addiction could do international geopolitical research on behalf of our Department of Defense. Wow.

I was so dumbfounded as to how to react to this story that I sat with my mouth wide open, gagging on vowel sounds with palms open to the heavens as though I might get divinely inspired to utter words that adequately describe the absurdity of this... this... whatever it is.

That means terrorists could offset their terror expenses by betting on an outcome they are planning to ensure. Didn't Pete Rose get banned from Cooperstown for a lot less?

But now that the idea, so outlandish that even Wolfowitz nixed it, has been scuttled. It seems that less salivating Rabies riddled brains haved prevailed. Wolfie, who was hot on the idea, is now declaring it dead in the water. I guess it's back to the Pentagon office pool for Bill Bennett.

Osama bin Who?
I usually don't reference competing media outlets, as we are neck and neck in the readership wars, but this week's The New Yorker has a great article on the non-search for ObL. Remember him? The guy who got bumped off the charts by the far more evil Saddam - like 50 Cent to Nelly?

It appears there is substantial intelligence pinpointing ObL and Mullah Omar in a 150 mile radiused area in the no-mans' -stan between Afghani- and Paki-. There's pretty compelling reasons why it's in Pakistan's interests to constantly, yet vaguely and ultimately unsuccessfully, be on the lookout for ObL - they get money from the White House, less hassle about the whole opium trade and no nonsense about the nuke issue.

Seems to me it would be pretty easy for the testosterone junkies of Washington to turn some screws with respect to Pakistan coughin' up a couple of actual terrorists. Remember them? the kind that are actually proven threats to America as opposed to fodder for speeches to ignorant bloated citizens. So W., what's the holdup? How 'bout a little squeeze to Musharaf?

But I know I'm just nostalgic and behind the times. Osama is sooooo 2001.

North Korea and US capitulate
The Bushies now glowingly point to North Korea's rumored capitulation on multilateral talks as evidence that threatening to bomb the fuck out of anything that ain't trembling enough is producing substantive results. The policy of ignoring the nuke wielding potentate who terrorizes a nation of starving oppressed victims is really paying off, claim the right wingers.

A closer look at the rumored agreement paints a different picture. Within the framework of the multilateral talks is a unilateral dialog between the twin maniacs Kim and Bush, presumably for the negotiation of nation recognition. If true, it would show a rare moment of Bush compromising on international diplomacy- a positive step, but hardly one bolstering the claim that swaggering trigger happiness is the way to disarming the world.

Add the NK knowledge that the US military is woefully pre-occupied with occupation and taking increasing heat for same and you've got a much more volatile and cocky Pyongyang who sees much more wiggle room than if the Pentagon war room weren't littered with little figurines of camels, sand dunes and playing cards.

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