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The Last Bastion of America's Liberal Media

2 Feb, 2004

Turd of the Week

George W. Bush, you're in the hot seat now, babes. The lies behind the Iraq war just ain't going away. And now the "investigation" is supposed to be done after election day?


Blabbering Bush Head

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Iraq War Cost
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Civilian casualties update
This data is an accounting of civilian deaths in Iraq to date.
See Iraqbodycount.net for statistical methodologies


Growing fat off juicy Iraqi rebuildin' contracts. Did you know the bin Laden group is one of our top investors?

screw all the other stockholders, we're cashing out!

Hey, what do you know? We make money from American militarily screwed up countries in the Middle East!

We're already negotiating with the “new Iraqi democracy” for oil rights!

Selling weapons all over the globe to ensure civilian death and instability which in turn ensures a strong market for years and years...



Kay Nay-Says Bush Push for Iraq Attack
There is a big test brewing for El Presidente. With David Kay's revelation that Saddam's urgent and growning menace was anything but, the case against the White House's Chicken Little call to arms is looking increasingly out of touch with reality. Kay, the White House's cure for alleged incompetence of Hans Blix, was to stroll into the pre-assigned weapons storage compounds littered across Iraq and quickly overload the Defense Department's weapons inventory database with a littany of genocidal agents intended to assist brother Osama in exterminating the Great Satan.

Whoops. Bush had better hope the families of the 2500 American servicemen and women either killed or wounded have a sense of humor about their loved ones dying for a political agenda.

It turns out that Kay has finally reported, with chagrined delicacy, that the Clinton containment strategy was working perfectly all along to neuter Saddam's war making capacity. Kay is working hard to give W the ammo to deflect the blame toward the CIA, but Bush ain't biting on that poison apple. Instead we hear Saddam's 45 minute launch warning turn, in 12 short months, into "weapons of mass destruction program related activities." Bush is trying to walk the razor edge of denying he cooked the intelligence, while at the same time not pointing the finger at intelligence agencies who have already taken too many bullets for him.

Meanwhile, Vice President "Dick" Cheney, whose WMD factual basis has melted beneath him like an ice flow that drifted into the tropics, remains unrepentent in his reality denial. There were two tractor trailers that now qualify as a weapons of mass destruction laboratories. Wow, I guess that means we're invading the Two Guys and a Truck moving company soon.

Now Bush is trying to staunch the flow by relenting to an "investigation" of intelligence gathering. It would seem that Bush's call is an unusually reasonable response to a troubling issue. Note, however, the investigation won't complete its findings until some time after November, allowing him to deflect all questions about the Iraq intelligence for the next 9 months. Further, it allows him to define the issue as "intelligence gathering in general" which conveniently sidesteps the issue of interpreting intelligence.

This issue is not going away. Bush & Co. astutely determined that America wouldn't bite at a massive invasion into Iraq on the basis of Saddam's (largely historical) evil. They even knew how to incite America through exploiting our collective fear into a bumper-sticker wielding, seething mass of ass-kickery that gave the Rhinestone Cowboy a free pass into Tikrit. All we expected was the aforementioned inventory of evil weapons. Hell, we didn't even care that America supplied the bulk of it in the previous two Republican administrations. Unfortunately, they didn't count on reality getting in the way of their desire to paint a particular picture. Ahhh... the fly in the otherwise masterful ointment of national deceit.

It's not even the Democrat wannabees that are fueling this fire. Sure, they're bringing it up every chance they get, but it's the sanctioned weapon-hunters, the international peace monitors and the now ostracized inner circlers who are now meting out the poisons in a steady drip. Can Bush continue to insist on justifying the war on entirely different grounds than those upon which it was waged? Can he dismiss the growing ire that he did it on purpose? or will he try to pin the blame on organizations whose ability to damage him with the truth is simmering under the surface of their growing fall-guy resentment?

Too bad the issue involves millions of lives and the peaceful future of humankind. Otherwise, it would make great circus.

Professor Pissed!!! - Rant from the Island

Now that the New Yorker has come out with what one would hope would be the definitive trashing of S.U.V.'s (first and foremost using easily available statistical information to debunk the fantasy that they are "safe" either for their own drivers or for others), and Howard Dean (who's plain talking and integrity are looking better by the minute in comparison with his shallow, opportunistic last second jump-on-the-critique-of-the-Iraq-war-bandwagon competitors for the Democratic nomination) is falling back in the polls, I will turn my attention to the farce that has been the British political scene over the last few days.

The Hutton Report, issued by Lord Hutton (whose title immediately suggests to a naive American an obvious link to the ruling class and thus perhaps an interest in protecting the governmental status quo...), has completely exonerated Tony Blair and undermined the entire British Broadcasting Corporation (heads must role -- let it be left-leaning journalists!). It's time for some pissed-off commentary, wrapped up in a comparison between UK and US political cultures.

Here's the difference between the general attitude towards such political news in the States and in the UK (well, in Northwestern England at least). In the States, everyone (at least everyone I know) would be furious, disgusted, and revolted by such an obviously partisan judicial ruling, seeing it as further evidence of the corruption and depravity of the political system and its attempt to control media coverage; unfortunately, many would then feel further justified in continuing to refuse to vote, thus perpetuating the very disenfranchisement they rail against. Here, the attitude amongst my acquaintances (similarly well educated and politically informed) seems to be one of clinical and uninterested detachment. None of this affects us. We are governed from above. We have no direct vote, so why worry about it? It's beneath us. At the same time, across classes here, people are far more educated politically (I can't imagine having some of the intense political discussions I've had with working class Mancunians with a similar class of workers in the U.S. -- almost certainly to be disenfranchised immigrant labor in a place like Los Angeles, where I used to live).

Suddenly, Blair's fatuous lap-dog like slavering at the feet of the Bush administration (more crudely put, his pathetic sniffing of imperialistic American bum) looks more sinister. Is the entire "globalized" (aka, American-controlled) world economy to be ruled by an increasingly tightly constricted web of political interests controlling all arms of the military, judicial (remember the role of the Supreme Court in the US presidential "election" of 2000?), and legislative branches of the government as well as the media?

Maybe I just haven't figured out how Brits put their rage into action. Clearly, Americans haven't a clue how to do so -- Dean has galvanized people, but to what end if anti-Bush momentum is simply siphoned off into attempts to elect anyone who might be able to beat Bush (that is, how much are people willing to compromise just for the fact of beating Bush? isn't that what got us into trouble with Clinton? the endless compromising?). Have we all lost the point? If the media is to be ordered around by the government (in Italy, the prime minister Silvio Berlusconi has simply bought up the media so he can control the government and what the media says about it at the same time) then where else is there to go?

Interesting food for thought. I'm not feeling very optimistic, but maybe that's because it's February.... My friends here, when I rant about the Hutton report, tend to say things like "Don't worry, spring will be here soon." I guess that's one solution. Just wait, passively, for the weather to change.

The good Professor misses aspects of the American competitive spirit, but the Pissed kids love their radio controlled mini-Coopers

State of the Union... EXPOSED! - Volume Two
Once again, our Crap Sickened PsyOps team has managed to decode subliminal messages in the President's State of the Union message. Here, in its decoded glory is the text...
Inside the United States, where the war began since we never did anything in the Middle East which would cause anger, we must continue to give our homeland security and law enforcement personnel every tool they need to defend us regardless of what tiny shreds are left of the Constitution. And one of those essential tools is the Patriot Act, which allows federal law enforcement to better share information, to track terrorists, to disrupt their cells, and to seize their assets to spy on whatever we decide to label as terrorists, and to invent entire new forms of justice which are accountable only to Dick Cheney. For years, we have used similar provisions to catch embezzlers and drug traffickers, but not fraudulent oil company CEOs, phew!. If these methods are good for hunting criminals, they are even more important for hunting terrorists. Didja notice criminals and terrorists are different things? (Applause.)

Key provisions of the Patriot Act are set to expire next year. (Applause.)Alright Kennedy, stop cheering! The terrorist threat will not expire on that schedule. (Applause.) Karl Rove has made sure of that. Our law enforcement needs this vital legislation to protect our citizens from the Bill of Rights!. You need to renew the Patriot Act 'cause we ain't done by a damn sight!. (Applause.)

America is on the offensive against the terrorists who will not be named for fear you’ll remember we haven’t caught them who started this war. Last March, Khalid Shaikh Mohammed, a mastermind of September the 11th, awoke to find himself in the custody of U.S. and Pakistani authorities (see, when we detain people, we’re so gentle, we don’t even wake them up!). Last August the 11th brought the capture of the terrorist Hambali, who was a key player in the attack in Indonesia that killed over 200 people (he was the guy who went out for pizza during late terror strategy sessions, but that's pretty key). We're tracking al Qaeda around the world (as we’re quickly on the scene within days of each attack), and nearly two-thirds of their known leaders have now been captured or killed (We don’t keep track of their unknown leader bodycount). Thousands of very skilled and determined military personnel are on the manhunt, going after the remaining killers who hide in cities and caves (or in caves that are in cities), and one by one, we will bring these terrorists to justice (I guess it’s more dramatic to do it one at a time than load up the paddy wagon). (Applause.)

As part of the offensive against terror, we are also confronting the regimes that harbor and support terrorists, and could supply them with nuclear, chemical or biological weapons (Except for the biggest supplier of WMD arms on earth). The United States and our allies are determined (especially the Solomon islands and Lichtenstein): We refuse to live in the shadow of this ultimate danger. (Applause.)

The first to see our determination were the Taliban, who made Afghanistan the primary training base of al Qaeda killers. (Then they learned as we turned our attention to Iraq, how our foreign policy was really about photo ops) As of this month, that country has a new constitution that holds sway in several blocks of downtown Kabul, guaranteeing free elections for several blocks of downtown Kabul and full participation by women who live in several blocks of downtown Kabul. Businesses are opening in several blocks of downtown Kabul, health care centers are being established in several blocks of downtown Kabul, and the boys and girls of Afghanistan are back in school in several blocks of downtown Kabul. With the help from the new Afghan army, our coalition is leading aggressive raids against the surviving members of the Taliban and al Qaeda in several blocks of downtown Kabul. The men and women of Afghanistan are building a nation that is free and proud and fighting terror -- and America is honored to be their friend (Pause for laughs) (Applause.)

Since we last met in this chamber, combat forces of the United States, Great Britain, Australia, Poland and other countries enforced the demands of the United Nations (well, a hand-picked and subjectively interpreted assortment of demands), ended the rule of Saddam Hussein, and the people of Iraq are free to attack us as imperialist aggressors imposing our will in our lusty pursuit of oil. (Applause.)

Having broken the Baathist regime (and we ain’t gonna fix it, by gum), we face a remnant of violent Saddam supporters (Yeah, they’re buoyed by Saddam still. You betcha). Men who ran away from our troops in battle are now dispersed and attack from the shadows (Hey, it worked for America in the Revolutionary War!). These killers, joined by foreign terrorists, are a serious, continuing danger" (although you wouldn’t know it to read the news controlled by my fat cat buddies). Yet we're making progress against them (We’re down to 20 attacks a day. Yay!). The once all-powerful ruler of Iraq was found in a hole, and now sits in a prison cell. (Wow! Do I owe Clint Eastwood anything for that delivery?) (Applause.) Of the top 55 officials of the former regime, we have captured or killed 45 (Of course, we killed about 9000 civilians in the process, but we got our 45!). Our forces are on the offensive, leading over 1,600 patrols a day and conducting an average of 180 raids a week (just ask the terrified housewives of Tikrit!!). We are dealing with these thugs in Iraq, just as surely as we dealt with Saddam Hussein's evil regime by blasting huge holes into the populace and seeing if a bad guy died. (Applause.)

The work of building a new Iraq is hard (Tru Dat!), and it is right (no reasons, it’s just right). And America has always been willing to do what it takes for what is right (like killing Injuns, buying and selling humans, interring Japanese, the list is vast). Last January, Iraq's only law was the whim of one brutal man Now, it’s the whim of one brutal man with a bad heart, a bald head and a top secret undisclosed government location. Today our coalition is working with the Iraqi Governing Council to draft a basic law, with a bill of rights, like our right to Iraqi oil. We're working with Iraqis and the United Nations to prepare for a transition to full Iraqi sovereignty by the end of June. Operation Freedom Liberty Hotdog Apple Pie Get Me Out of Here By the Election.

As democracy takes hold in Iraq, the enemies of freedom will do all in their power to spread violence and fear like demand free elections, now!. They are trying to shake the will of our country and our friends, but the United States of America will never be intimidated by thugs and assassins, except when it’s John Ashcroft doing the intimidating. (Applause.) The killers will fail, and the Iraqi people will live in freedom, dammit!. (Applause.)

Month by month, Iraqis are assuming more responsibility for their own security and their own future, in other words, we’re cutting our losses and getting the hell out. And tonight we are honored to welcome one of Iraq's most respected leaders: the current President of the Iraqi Governing Council, Adnan Pachachi, who enjoys the full support of the Pachachi family and several neighbors.

Sir, America stands with you and the Iraqi people as you build a free and peaceful nation, but when things get sticky, we’re outta there. (Applause.)

Because of American leadership and resolve, the world is changing for the better. (Pause for laughs) Last month, the leader of Libya voluntarily pledged to disclose and dismantle all of his regime's weapons of mass destruction programs, including a uranium enrichment project for nuclear weapons. He’s turning in the camels used to turn the uranium centrifuge. Colonel Qadhafi correctly judged that his country would be better off and far more secure without weapons of mass murder, which are only to be used by America, dammit. (Applause.)

Nine months of intense negotiations involving the United States and Great Britain succeeded with Libya, while 12 years of diplomacy with Iraq did not, unless you believe that crap from the CIA, the Carnegie Endowment for Peace, the UN and a bunch of other un-American sources. And one reason is clear: For diplomacy to be effective, words must be credible (Pause for laughs), and no one can now doubt the word of America. (Pause for sidesplitting, pants-wetting laughter) (Applause.)

Different threats require different strategies, my excuse to eschew principle. Along with nations in the region, we're insisting that North Korea eliminate its nuclear program" and they’re so afraid of us that they’ve all but lit a flaming bag of enriched uranium on the front porch of 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue, rang the doorbell and ran. America and the international community are demanding that Iran meet its commitments and not develop nuclear weapons (Don’t touch me, cause I’m close to the edge. I’m trying not to lose my head!). America is committed to keeping the world's most dangerous weapons out of the hands of the most dangerous regimes and into the hands of America. (Applause.)

When I came to this rostrum (Didja like the way I didn’t mispronounciate “rostrum?”) on September the 20th, 2001, I brought the police shield of a fallen officer, my reminder of lives that ended, and a task that does not end and a fucking brilliant photo-op. Thanks Karl. I gave to you and to all Americans my complete commitment to securing our country and defeating our enemies, such as defenders of the Constitution. And this pledge, given by one, has been kept by many.

You in the Congress have provided the resources for our defense (thanks for the blank check, suckaz!), and cast the difficult votes of war and peace, although for the life of me, I can’t remember any votes for peace. Our closest allies have been unwavering, especially Lichtenstein. America's intelligence personnel and diplomats have been skilled and tireless, except for Valerie Plame, who is now a Wal-Mart greeter. And the men and women of the American military -- they have taken the hardest duty, absorbing the world’s anger at my megalomania. We've seen their skill and their courage in armored charges and midnight raids, and lonely hours on faithful watch, but we haven’t seen the body bags, the frustration of their mission, their lives crumbling for the fulfillment of my Arabic joyride. We have seen the joy when they return for a three day weekend before heading back, and felt the sorrow when one is lost. I've had the honor of meeting our servicemen and women at many posts, from the deck of a carrier in the Pacific (Hey, remember that cool moment?) to a mess hall in Baghdad.(Hey, remember that cool moment, which may or may not have taken place on a soundstage in Hollywood?)

To be continued...

Look for weekly installments of the Decoded SOTU until we exhaust our material or readers' interest, whichever comes last.

Jingo Bowl
I probably shoulda week-turded the CBS/NFL nexus of insidious rah-rah patriotizm. The Assistant chair of the Joint Chiefs of Staff arm in arm with Beyonce? The contrived Beneton ad choir, the helicopters, presumably unarmed, the flags everywhere, Toby "Boot-in-Yer-Ass" Keith, Wowwee. But the crowning touch was the half-time medley capped with Kid Rock literally wrapped in an American flag.

And, just like the script read, the Patriots won.

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