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The Last Bastion of America's Liberal Media

5 Apr, 2004

Turd of the Week

Condoleezza, you get the rare back to back turdening! Your testimony this week could change all that... but I doubt it

 


Blabbering Bush Head

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Iraq War Cost
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Civilian casualties update
This data is an accounting of civilian deaths in Iraq to date.
See Iraqbodycount.net for statistical methodologies



Sponsors:


Growing fat off juicy Iraqi rebuildin' contracts. Did you know the bin Laden group is one of our top investors?


screw all the other stockholders, we're cashing out!


Hey, what do you know? We make money from American militarily screwed up countries in the Middle East!


We're already negotiating with the “new Iraqi democracy” for oil rights!


Selling weapons all over the globe to ensure civilian death and instability which in turn ensures a strong market for years and years...

 

 

Republican Enemies List
This exclusive SOTC.com pocket guide helps ours readers keep track of the myriad smear jobs and their victims as they're orchestrated from the White House. The lesson is clear: if you stray from the party line, you will attacked with extreme prejudice.
Republicant Position Transgression Denouement

Republican Richard Clarke

Assistant to the NSA in charge of terrorism Disclosed Bush pre-occupation with Iraq occupation, portrayed Bush as weak on terror and clueless numbskull Characterized as a political opportunist and insecure grudge holding puppy strangler.
Republican Lawrence Lindsey Director of the National Economic Council Told a newspaper that an Iraq war could cost as much as $200 billion. Forced from his post, his projections were ridiculed, only to have now come to pass.
Republican Marine Gen. Anthony Zinni Bush's Middle East Envoy Told a foreign policy forum in October [2003] that America had far more pressing foreign policy priorities than Iraq and suggested there could be a prolonged, difficult aftermath to a war in Iraq. Rebuked, not reappointed as envoy. Image has been circulated around White House, photoshopped with burka.
Republican Gen. Eric Shinseki Army Chief of Staff Challenged cakewalk depiction of liberating Iraq Repudiated by Wolfie and Rummy, dismissed as pansy
Republican Joseph C. Wilson African ambassador, CIA advisor Challenged Bush assumptions on Nigerian uranium Excoriated by Bushies, wife outed as government spy
Republican Paul O'Neill Treasury Secretary Publicly voiced doubts about broad tax cuts and warned about looming deficits, publicly attempted to persuade President Bush to put a $10 per barrel tax on the price of oil as a way of reducing energy use, protecting the environment, and helping close the budget deficit Fired, ridiculed and depicted as inept dingleberry that would only be named to cabinet by complete nincompoop

It's All Clinton's Fault, but You Can't See The Proof
The Right-Wing has been adamant that Clinton is the cause of all evil. Al Qeada's attacks, the languishing economy, the near fatal pretzel attack - all a direct result of Clinton's evil attempt to Marxify the world and sexually assault its women. But a funny thing happened on the way to the 9/11 commission. Clinton era documents on terror, which one would presume would reveal Bill's carnal distractions at the expense of the growing terror menace, are being withheld by the Bush administration. According to White House sources, many of the documents are "duplicative or unrelated" or in some cases "highly sensitive" <insert_Monica_joke_here>.

One would think the Bushies would relish the release of documents that bolster their case that Clinton is the raison de terror. So what's the holdup? C'mon guys, we lefties feel it is important that we confront the horrors wrought by the vaginally obsessed President Predator. C'mon, we're ready to confront our demons. How 'bout y'all?

Somalia Comes to Falluja
Pictures of slain American contractors' mutilated bodies have shocked sensitive people around the world. The resistance to American occupation is growing more brazen and savage in its actions. Understanding the power of imagery, the Iraqi resistance (as it has become clear this particular act is not the work of outside agitators) seeks to shock and disgust America, in hopes that it will weaken our resolve. Now the Pentagon is coming out with language that America will kick unholy ass in order to seek revenge for these killings.

So this is what it's coming down to... a contest of who is the baddest baddass to strut the desert. Is the video game out yet? The problem is that this kind of confrontation always favors the party who has the least to lose. "Oh, but they'll lose their lives if they mess with us!" you smugly retort. But that's the whole problem. These are people whose lives have been so de-valued by Saddam and colonial forces, that death threats are dime-a-dozen. As such they seek to offer further fomenting rather than disincentive.

But that doesn't matter when bully talk plays so well in ApplePieton.

Hey Everybody, the Job Market is Momentarily not Sucking!
Hallelujah and pass the ammo! It appears that a robust month of March in the hiring sector is the antidote for 37 previous months of agonizing job losses totaling 3 million. What is particularly noteworthy is the 37 month drag of the "Clinton effect" which was suddenly wiped out by the Bush creation of 308,000 jobs in the month of March (following the principle of the Clinton bad/Bush good imperative).

So this rosy vindication of bankrupting the nation's finances to the betterment of billionaires, should obliterate the seemingly contradictory statistic that in the same month the 308,000 jobs were created, the unemployment rate rose to 5.7. Fear not, readers, for Orwellian interpretation of this is that jobless folks are so encouraged by Bush's economic achievements that they are entering the ranks of job-seekers, thus temporarily boosting the roles of the unemployed until Wal-Mart starts hiring again. Ooooo-Kay...

The GOPsters are crowing at the statistics and using them to bolster the argument for forever pushing the tax burden from the wealthy to the struggling. Wow, they've lost 3,000,000 jobs and suddenly they're cocky when a tenth of those are won back?

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