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The Last Bastion of America's Liberal Media

26 Apr, 2004

Turd of the Week

Rummy, Remember that whole thing about no reservist having to serve more than a year? Whoops!
The coffin pix? Whoops! The ceasefire in exchange for insurgents' weapons?
Whoops!

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Blabbering Bush Head

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Iraq War Cost
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Civilian casualties update
This data is an accounting of civilian deaths in Iraq to date.
See Iraqbodycount.net for statistical methodologies



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Growing fat off juicy Iraqi rebuildin' contracts. Did you know the bin Laden group is one of our top investors?


screw all the other stockholders, we're cashing out!


Hey, what do you know? We make money from American militarily screwed up countries in the Middle East!


We're already negotiating with the “new Iraqi democracy” for oil rights!


Selling weapons all over the globe to ensure civilian death and instability which in turn ensures a strong market for years and years...

 

 

Saudi Arabia to Oil Re-election Machinery
Are you disgusted at corporate America manipulating the election process to serve its own profiteering interests? Well, chill out, 'cause that's child's play compared to revelations in Bob Woodward's new book, Plan of Attack.

According to the yet-another-embarassing-tell-all, the Saudis have assured Bush that they will flood the market with crude oil at a strategic point in the pre-election run-up, to ensure their buddy can break the Bush reelection curse. Wow, what nice guys, just pumping up some of that sweet black SUV-crack out of the kindness of their dictatorial hearts.

And don't you dare accuse them of wanting anything in return! What could they possibly want or need from the US government? America to ignore House of Saud's cozy relationship with Islamic terrorist organizations? What about it? EEE-relevant. Forgetting that Saudi Arabia has one of the most represive regimes in the middle east? Mooooot. Sustaining the long-established Saudi dependence on American military gagetry to defend their oligarchy? Get out of Mecca with that crap!!

Apparently, Bush supporters either don't know or don't care that corrupt foreign governments have inordinant power to influence the American economy and do so to influence our democratic process. That's cool, I guess. I mean, the American voters have been so unpredictable, I suppose it's time to hand our leadership selection process over to a more reliable force.

I gotta GWB credit - the one remaining area where ObL has failed spectacularly is in his attempt to drive a wedge between the USA and Saudi Arabia. While all his other objectives have succeeded wildly (thanks to George's Australopithecine response) - fomenting further hatred for the US, giving ObL a global platform for his hatespeech, illustrating the global dominion ambitions of America, the deliberate attempt to alienate Saudi and America leadership is no match for the Bush lust for oil. Take that Osama!!!

Casket Secrets
Despite the Bush administration's fervent ambitions to hide all signs of war from America, contractors with cameras were able to smuggle out pictures of flag draped caskets on their way to mass military funerals. In direct contrast with the Bush claim that such images would intrude on family privacy, the pictures depict the methodical care and reverence bestowed by military personnel upon their fallen comrades.

Far from shocking, these images quietly convey the depth of sacrifice that is being borne so disproportionately across our nation. But the Bush agenda is not one that dwells on sacrifice. No, it panders to the all gain, no pain culture that America strives for. There are no problems. There is only progress and acceptance.

The Iraq war is taking a horrific toll on some American families. The rest of us remain as detached as our media interests allow. Is the witholding of these reverent images respecting privacy or upholding our national denial?

The Islamic Republic of Osamastan
Hey George, how's that spreading of freedom fries thing going? The once-loathed, now embraced in full bunglement Nation-Building is kind of like our own establishment of Democracy. Except where America had Patrick Henry, Iraq has a seething hatred of American hubris. Where we had Thomas Jefferson, Iraq has a smoldering pile of the innocent children's corpses. Where we had Paul Revere warning colonists of impending Redcoat attack, Iraq has an increasingly sophisticated plan of guerilla based resistance, intent on inflicting graphic horrors on all outsiders.

How can one man and his evil advisors be handed the support of 98% of the world's support in fighting a small collective of disgrunted fundamentalists only to transform it into a widespread Islamic movement to oust America from the middle east with two thirds of the planet alienated from us? Through a calculated plan of boneheaded alienation, Bush has squandered a chance to lead a global condemnation of fringe fanatics and instead is fomenting a broad based revolt against American arrogance.

Wow.

One of Kerry's 3 Purple Hearts Debated
Oh, I love this crap. The GOP attack machine is insinuating that one of John Kerry's Purple Hearts was for a minor scrape. Never mind that the determination for such honors were completely out of the young ensign's hands. True, John Kerry may not have the impecable war record of President Bush, who was able to protect vast stretches of Texas and Florida (whose combined size is considerably greater than South Vietnam) without incurring any kind of sissy injury. True, George W. Bush never was awarded a Purple Heart under suspicious circumstances. True, George Bush's assembly of military honors have never been questioned, except for his honorable discharge.

Despite these gaps between the candidates, the GOP seeks to exploit any potential hypocrisy in JFK's candidacy. Jeez, you'd think these guys wouldn't really want the whole war record thing to intrude into the election process. Still, if that's what they want, bring 'em on.

Tonga - this Week's Deserter from the Coalition of the Wilting
Joining Spain and Honduras on the sidelines, the mighty forces of Tonga are taking a breather from Iraq. Don't worry though. Thailand will only pull out if its soldiers are endangered.

But the coalition remains strong. There are forces like:

Afghanistan (except for the parts still trying to kill us), Albania (and believe me, they know about despotism!), Angola (ditto from Albania), Australia (Aussies love a chance to kick ass), Azerbaijan (Gesundheit), Bulgaria (Hey, it beats living in Bulgaria), Colombia (Fallujah is arguably safer than Cali and Medellin), Costa Rica (No military, but they're part of the COW), Czech Republic (don't worry, we got Slovakia too!), Denmark (The ass-kickinest nation of the 6th century!), Dominican Republic (anything to get away from Haiti), El Salvador (payback for years of deathsquad support), Eritrea (having spent decades fighting the impoverished Ethiopia), Estonia (keeping the Baltic Sea safe from terror!), Ethiopia (having spent decades fighting the impoverished Eritrea), Georgia (including the powerful Dunwoody Militia), Honduras (they know better than to believe the crap about American imperialism), Hungary (see Bulgaria), Iceland (Well, except for the Bjork supporters), Italy (Berlusconi is our new Mussolini), Japan (practicing for Korea), Kuwait (a couple of gold-plated Lugars), Latvia (see Estonia), Lithuania (see Latvia), Macedonia (Sadr is shaving his beard for that one!), Marshall Islands (aren't they the ones who prop up their economy by issuing Willie Nelson stamps?), Micronesia (I guess Bigassnesia was busy), Mongolia (counting on the whole Genghis factor!), Netherlands (supplying wooden shoes and tulips), Nicaragua (See El Salvador), Palau (hold on, I'm getting a dictionary), Panama (so greatful we finally took Noriega off the payroll), Philippines (they're donating Imelda's shoes for the cause), Poland (insert off-color joke here), Portugal (the Delaware of Europe), Romania (See Bul- and Hungaria), Rwanda (Repayment for everything we did for them during their genocide), Singapore (All set to lash Sunni gumchewers), Slovakia (rounding out the set with the Czeck Republic), Solomon Islands (that's a country?), South Korea (not like they want anything from us...), Spain (whoopsie!), Tonga (double whoopsie!), Turkey (see? not every country is all upset about the Crusades references!), Uganda (these guys know despots!), Ukraine (so we can overlook their Soviet nukes), United Kingdom (Tony Blair's 28% popular mandate), United States (just for a little added Ooomph!), Uzbekistan (masters of human rights violations!)

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