U   P   D   A   T   E   D         W   E   E   K   L  Y  ! ! !

The Last Bastion of America's Liberal Media

Aug 30, 2004

Turd of the Week

Donald Rumsfeld, are ya' feeling the gaze of Abu Graib's vultures looking for big fresh meat? Yeah, things are leading pretty close to your culpable ass. Maybe you should have listed to Colin Powell after all...

see stories for details


Growing fat off juicy Iraqi rebuildin' contracts. Did you know the bin Laden group is one of our top investors?

screw all the other stockholders, we're cashing out!

Hey, what do you know? We make money from American militarily screwed up countries in the Middle East!

We're already negotiating with the “new Iraqi democracy” for oil rights!

Selling weapons all over the globe to ensure civilian death and instability which in turn ensures a strong market for years and years...

Blabbering Bush Head

Click head for fresh random quote from
Jacob Weinberg's The Complete Bushisms - Netscape users hit reload

Threat Level: Luke Warm Urine Yellow

Iraq War Cost
(JavaScript Error)

Civilian casualties update
This data is an accounting of civilian deaths in Iraq to date.
See Iraqbodycount.net for statistical methodologies


Fasten Your Barf Bags
The Republicants are taking over the airwaves from New York. In the next few days we will be barraged with messages sickeningly bereft of voracity. Sure, there will be a refreshing, but brief pause in attack ads, while America basks in Bush's safetyfication of the world. But frat brothers across the nation will forever damage their livers playing the take-a-shot-every-time-someone-says-"freedom" game.

Dick "the Dick" Cheney has been practicing smiling for several weeks now, using sunny John Ashcroft as a tutor. Meanwhile, Colin Powell and John McCain will be heavily sedated, lest they veer from the party line that everything is just swell, getting sweller by the day, and heading toward the ultimate nirvana of uber-swellocity, if we can just continue to make up more stories about John Kerry having sex with Mike Dukakis in the tank, so the press can ponder whether or not he is even less fit for office than the raving knuckleheads at the helm of the U.S.S. Desperate Eagle.

Meanwhile, New Yorkers (75% Democrats) have to endure having their city turned into a tableau for freedom-spewing while having their own freedoms restricted, save the freedom to not carry a backpack, briefcase or a bulging pocket within 50 blocks of Madison Square Garden.

Let's hope the venue give Bush as much luck as the Knicks have experienced the past few seasons. (Second sotc.com hoops reference in as many issues! What gives? -editor)

Oh My God!! I Agree With Dick Cheney!!!!
Nothing compares with the social justice epiphany of a Republican with a gay daughter. Yep, Dick "the Dick" Cheney, architect of Bush's campaign of foreign and domestic fear-mongering, has come over to the outskirts of the suburbs of the crap-sickened part of town on one issue: gay marriage.

Whaa???, you ask. How could the man whose face can only muster a contorted grimace with his rare attempt to smile, be down with the Village People? Well, the Dick's daughter Mary is a lesbian.

Should we celebrate the Dick's uneasy recognition of the validity of gay relationships? Well, I guess it's better than having him dress Mary up like some misbegotten Barbie doll. Still, you have to consider how typical it is that social justice is only relevant to some folks to the right of the political center, when it has personal relevance. Nancy Reagan, long advocate of "fetal rights" and all the trappings that go with it, had a sudden conversion to stem cell research. Was it the gradual realization that people could be helped by using this fertile, adaptable tissue to bolster fading brain cells or stem (sorry for the pun) the tides of cancer? Oh hell no. It was her beloved Ronnie that needed it.

For the GOP, social beliefs can take a careening left turn when its personal. Until then, social justice is just a term for crack Marxists, the racially inferior and homos.

Then again, I haven't heard Rush Limbaugh giving any hugs of understanding to drug addicts.

It worked in Florida, it'll damn sure work in Afghanistan
I'm sure you've lost part of your breakfast watching the Bush Olympic democracies propaganda on TV. In saccharine maudlinity, the gentle voice of an overpaid voiceover artists numbingly assures us that there are 2 new democracies participating in the Olympics. This is supposed to mean Iraq, where reporters are routinely incarcerated by Allawi's henchLiberty-ensurers and Afghanistan where the n
umber of voting cards to date (10 million) already exceeds the number of eligible voters and final counting of cards is not yet complete.

Yep, Afghani political parties and presidential candidates are paying citizens up to $150 for voting cards. In a country where the average citizen works two and half months for that kind of moolah, it pays to reregister early and often. Meanwhile 12 election workers have been assassinated and international observers are pretty much taking their lives into their own hands just showing up in this burgeoning buttload of democratic reform.

Mustafa Durani, representative for the International Republican Institute in Kabul which has ties to the US Republican Party, simply says "Illegal things happen."

Truer words ne'er an utterance been.

Sick of this Crap Staff (yes, the links really work!):

Interns: , ,

  Crap Archives
  Legal Disclaimer: All information on this site has been carefully considered as to its inflammatory value against the backdrop of the prevailing standards of cultural depravity. Research is spotty at best. The resulting verbiage, though dead-on and wickedly insightful (not to mention inciteful) should be considered pure satire, if for no other reason than to deflect lawsuits.