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The Last Bastion of America's Liberal Media

16 Feb, 2004

Turd of the Week

Matt Drudge, thanks for taking this race straight into the gutter with your obsession with Democratic penises. If you have some facts, spew 'em forth and let's be done with it.

 


Blabbering Bush Head

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Iraq War Cost
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Civilian casualties update
This data is an accounting of civilian deaths in Iraq to date.
See Iraqbodycount.net for statistical methodologies



Sponsors:


Growing fat off juicy Iraqi rebuildin' contracts. Did you know the bin Laden group is one of our top investors?


screw all the other stockholders, we're cashing out!


Hey, what do you know? We make money from American militarily screwed up countries in the Middle East!


We're already negotiating with the “new Iraqi democracy” for oil rights!


Selling weapons all over the globe to ensure civilian death and instability which in turn ensures a strong market for years and years...

 

 

The Clintonization of John Kerry
The right wing sleaze patrol, preferring to focus the 2004 election on penis behavior rather that Bush's ability to represent America in the world and provide stewardship of our fiscal resources, is sniffing JK's pant leg lookin' for trouble. Hey, if it worked once, let's try it again!

In the one corner, detailed accusations that Bush deceived America into an expensive, bloody and unilateral war of pre-emption against a nation that held no credible threat to America, while throwing future American's money to fat cats, dooming the economy for years to come.

In the other corner, unsupported allegations that JK squonked an intern!!

Watch, my fellow crap-sickened surfership, as the GOP does everything in its power to deflect voter attention away from Bush's record toward the penile! Ignore the damage wrought by Bush's agenda for fat cat dominion over the masses. Instead, let's have a crotch referendum.

It's gonna be an ugly 8 months...

The Iraq Al Qaeda Connection - At Last!!
So, US forces find some notebook conveniently explaining the insurgent strategy in Iraq (I'm loathe to embrace conspiracy theories, so I'll assume it's for real). In this document, references are made to the insurgency that is destabilizing Iraq and ultimately pushing the frightened US soldiers out of the place. Further, the document makes strong implications that foreign fighters including Al Qaeda, are involved in the insurgency. Abu Musab al-Zarqawi who featured prominently in Powell's campfire stories to the UN, is alleged to be involved in the distribution list for this insurgency primer.

So what does Bush Lackey Colin Powell do? He declares this to be the smoking gun of an Iraq Al Qaeda connection. I'm seething at his cynical hubris. The insurgency involvement began, by definition, months after that now-soundly discredited justification was used to storm the place. Now Powell trumpets this assertion to an increasingly skeptical press. WTF?!?!?!?

I get sickened that Bush's cronies use the horrific mess and human turmoil they've made of the place as evidence they need to continue their campaign. Desperate for increasingly elusive evidence, the straw-grasping is truly pathetic.

Official Sickofthiscrap.com Presidential Endorsement
We get email, occasionally even email that isn't requesting that we eat things and die. One continuing question is (to paraphrase the missive amalgamation): Okay mister-smarty pants, you're real clever at cutting down Bush, but who do you recommend in his stead and what do you think should be done instead?

Tough, but fair.

First of all, let's be honest about the mess in Iraq. Despite what the Bushocracy would have you believe, foreign policy is not a simple thing. The Iraq mess is a hugely F'ed up misadventure in which the best case scenario requires years of America's attention and billions of America's dollars (neither of which are included in the Bush budget). We've excluded outside help from the get-go, we completely misjudged the culture and its reaction to our invasion, we naively assumed an Iraqi national identity that would be greater in its loathing of Saddam than in its tribal/ethnic identities.

So it is that the Bushies have an ironically legitimate gripe when they challenge Dems to come up with a better solution than to continue the futile and expensive slog toward Iraqi civil war. I'll admit there's not an easy solution. However, I think fresh leadership will go a long way toward rebuilding strained alliances around the world, not so we can dump and run, but so we'll have help that is much more culturally aware than we are.

Also, it is important that we not solve the Iraqi mess as an isolated case where we just kick Iraqi ass, pretending they're some island in the middle of the Persian Gulf. It is not an Iraq problem. This is both a global and a regional problem. Lastly, we need leadership that is not hideously connected to corporate interests as the Bush administration is. By applying principled leadership rather than thinly veiled corporate greed, we can begin to face Iraq more realistically.

So, who are we pulling for? Well, in the Bruce Babbitt, Paul Simon mold of picking the losers, I suppose Kucinich represents most of what we like. But hey, let's get real. Whoever can beat Bush gets the full endorsement of SOTC.com.

Go Kerry!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Ashcroft Gets Tough
We all chortled when Bush brought up cracking down on steroids in his SOTU speech, but lo and behold the Justice department is cracking down on steroid abuse, with the arrest of a ring of dealers, including the Pablo Escobar of chemical muscle. I never knew this was a huge national priority. I kinda figured if guys want to shrivel their testicles into hardened pebbles while increasing their urge to smash huge holes in drywall in which to hide body parts of their chemically perceived enemies, who am I to judge?

Gee, I guess depriving constitutional rights isn't an all consuming gig, eh?

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  Legal Disclaimer: All information on this site has been carefully considered as to its inflammatory value against the backdrop of the prevailing standards of cultural depravity. Research is spotty at best. The resulting verbiage, though dead-on and wickedly insightful (not to mention inciteful) should be considered pure satire, if for no other reason than to deflect lawsuits.