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The Last Bastion of America's Liberal Media

14 June, 2004

Turd of the Week

George Bush, nice coattail cling on the Reagan procession. You figure you can get some of that Reagan nostalgia by cashing in on the dumbass yarn-spinner appeal?

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Blabbering Bush Head

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Iraq War Cost
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Civilian casualties update
This data is an accounting of civilian deaths in Iraq to date.
See Iraqbodycount.net for statistical methodologies



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Growing fat off juicy Iraqi rebuildin' contracts. Did you know the bin Laden group is one of our top investors?


screw all the other stockholders, we're cashing out!


Hey, what do you know? We make money from American militarily screwed up countries in the Middle East!


We're already negotiating with the “new Iraqi democracy” for oil rights!


Selling weapons all over the globe to ensure civilian death and instability which in turn ensures a strong market for years and years...

One Nation Under God with Sodomy Adjustments for Allah
Let me get this straight. The Bush legal team had been positioning the Supreme Commander of Global Wars, GWBto assume the right to order, condone and revel in the torture of Islamic prisoners. Before the invasion of Iraq even started (okay, okay, it started in 1999 as part of the Monica Lewinsky lynching), Bush's lawyers were putting together a supposed defense against charges of torture law violations that would presumably be leveled against Bush. So, he was planning on torturing detainees and sought some sort of hairsplitting "depends on what your definition of torture is" wiggle room.

The alleged legal underpinnings of this defense are multifold and frightening. First, Bush has complete authority to wage war, which serves as a blanket provision to do whatever he deems is within the scope of war, including interrogation or apparently, lying about the war's justification. Secondly, he can kill or harm anybody he wants if he believes it will save the lives of Americans, bonus points if he believes it'll save multiple American lives. Thirdly, it's classic self-defense, not unlike when crack crazed Willie Horton pulls his HIV-dripping machete to your grandma's neck and you blow him away with a street sweeper during what would have been your cooling off background check period if you adhered to those freedom-stealing constitution-spitting-upon gun control laws. Finally, Bush's team of slimeballs argued that anti-torture statues only apply when the torture takes place off American soil. Since Gitmo is American territory, it's all good baby. As for Iraq, well, it's pretty much our 51st state now, ain't it?

This memo, prepared in March 2003, gives Bush and his designees, unbridled power to ignore federal antitorture laws and international treaties prohibiting torture. But there is great legal hair splitting in the document. "The infliction of pain or suffering per se, whether it is physical or mental, is insufficient to amount to torture." Unless that pain or suffering falls under the strict legal parameters of "severe." And if the torturer didn't know at the time what (s)he was doing would cause severe pain and suffering, it's all copasetic, babes. And just to ice that cake, if the torturer knew (s)he was causing severe pain and suffering, it's still cool as long as (s)he "believed at the moment that his (sic) act is necessary and designed to avoid greater harm."

Four frightening things are going on here. First, it's yet another example of ways in which the Bush administration seeks to insulate itself from global accountability. They hate treaties and refuse to play by anyone's rules but their own. Second, dude sought authority to torture prisoners before the fact, which sure smacks of premeditation. Third, they are clearly paving the way for torture as an institutional truth gathering mechanism. Lastly, they are seeking immunity from laws of human decency should somebody starting uploading the Nikon coolpix to the World Wide Web. It's one thing to claim Lindie Engelland's air-pistol genital pointing was a rogue incident and apologize after the fact. But when you seek clearance to maim, humiliate and sodomize prisoners in advance, that's fucked up.

Lucky for Bush, this latest revelation is lost in the Reagan worshipfest that is consuming the news.

Reagan, Reagan, Reagan, Reagan, Reagan, Reagan
No, we're not finished yet putting the yin to the media's yang on the "Great Kommunikator." For those of you living far off the Reagan grid, here's the recap:

Plus side:

  • Named Sandra Day O'Conner to Supreme Court
  • Raised taxes when the folly of drastic tax cuts became clear
  • Was quippy
  • Spokesdrooler for Alzheimer's Disease
  • Got shot
  • Was folksy
  • Looks great in comparison to current, room temperature intellect at the Helm of the USS Executive Branch Disaster

Minus Side:

  • Made greed patriotic
  • Tripled the national debt to $3 trillion
  • Nurtured Saddam Hussein and provided him with hundreds of millions of dollars worth of conventional weapons and biological and chemical weapons materials
  • Authorized the flaunting of Congressional law
  • Ignored the AIDS epidemic for 6 years
  • Bargained with terrorists
  • Had Nancy schedule meetings for him based on astrological readings
  • Cut taxes for the rich
  • Had a cabinet rife with legal entanglements
  • Funded drug cartels
  • Put Antonin Scalia on the Supreme Court
  • Named Renquist, documented racist, Chief Justice of same
  • Authorized huge cuts in scientific research funding (save star wars)
  • Authorized huge cuts in student loan programs
  • Named Christian Apocalyptic to Interior Dept.
  • Established Bush era Neo-cons as legitimate policy makers

Hey, let's put his face on some money and carve up a mountain! Yee Haw!!

Meanwhile, Back in the Rest of the Middle East
While we're busy sowing the seeds for freedom, democracy and Bojangles franchises in Iraq, it appears some middle eastern powers didn't get the memo informing them of their impending capitulation to American interests. Iran, looking Iraqward for their Louisiana Purchase, has taken advantage of our distraction by pushing for recognition as a legitimate nuclear nation. That's right folks, the same country that defines its nationhood through defying the Great Satan wants to be the next in line to suffer North Korea's horrific fate. (Hmmm, remind me again what that fate was?)

So why is Iran so hell-bent on publicly acclaiming its nuclear status? They've pretty astutely looked at the fates of Iraq (no real WMD, insufficient capability of self-defense) and North Korea (Nuke ambitions, ability to bring millions of causalities upon would-be attackers) and ran the numbers through accounting. Verdict? With psychotic cowboys in Washington, it pays to have some muscle. Perhaps saner minds at 1600 Pennsylvania would not require such drastic measures, but that's academic until Jan 2005, at which point those genies are already out of the bottle anyway.

So the great relief of the end of the Cold War and its horrific nuclear possibilities has been replaced with this - politically unstable America loathing nations that glorify martyrdom bragging they have nukes, while we disastrously demonstrate our inability to bring order to a fractured nation that labored for years under a near unanimously despised tyrant.

That's progress?

Kerry Sitting Pretty?
It's tough being a liberal these days. Clearly, Bush is bringing about his own demise, through actions spurred in the earliest days of his stolen presidency. John Kerry is taking a prudent lesson from the Lee Atwater book, in which he stated something like "don't get in the way when your opponent is shooting himself in the foot." True to the evil Atwater's advice, Kerry is playing a waiting game.

Still, it tries the patience to wait while Bush is so clearly wounded. The temptation to throw him a lead life preserver as he's circling the drain is so profound that we Bush disapprovers often get frustrated with a strategy that will, in all probability, prove to be prudent. Patience my fellow fed-up fomenters of fault finding...

Is a Kerry presidency in the bag? Not exactly. Sure, an ObL spiderhole, a successful distraction from Iraq and a quick Saudi market flooding of oil will shore up some wishy-washy voters, but it's really just a matter of Kerry carefully yet forcefully defining himself, so he is an assuring haven for voters who have become horrified with Bush disaster.

Go John.

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  Legal Disclaimer: All information on this site has been carefully considered as to its inflammatory value against the backdrop of the prevailing standards of cultural depravity. Research is spotty at best. The resulting verbiage, though dead-on and wickedly insightful (not to mention inciteful) should be considered pure satire, if for no other reason than to deflect lawsuits.