U   P   D   A   T   E   D         W   E   E   K   L  Y  ! ! !

The Last Bastion of America's Liberal Media

28 June, 2004

Turd of the Week

Dick Cheney, this week's glistening stench nugget is all yours, with the "new civility" you've brought to political discourse.

see stories for details


Blabbering Bush Head

Click head for fresh random quote from
Jacob Weinberg's The Complete Bushisms - Netscape users hit reload

ARCHIVES


Iraq War Cost
(JavaScript Error)

Civilian casualties update
This data is an accounting of civilian deaths in Iraq to date.
See Iraqbodycount.net for statistical methodologies



Sponsors:


Growing fat off juicy Iraqi rebuildin' contracts. Did you know the bin Laden group is one of our top investors?


screw all the other stockholders, we're cashing out!


Hey, what do you know? We make money from American militarily screwed up countries in the Middle East!


We're already negotiating with the “new Iraqi democracy” for oil rights!


Selling weapons all over the globe to ensure civilian death and instability which in turn ensures a strong market for years and years...

The New Civility
"Governor Bush and I are also absolutely determined that [we] will restore a tone of civility and decency to the debate in Washington."
- Dick Cheney, 8/4/00

"I look forward to working with you, Governor, to change the tone in Washington, to restore a spirit of civility and respect and cooperation."
- Dick Cheney, 7/25/00

"My administration pledged to bring civility and high standards to Washington."
- George W. Bush, 8/3/01

"Go fuck yourself."
Dick Cheney to US Senator Patrick Leahy, 6/23/04

Not much editorialization needed (never stopped us before...). Of course, the right wing loves how The Dick defends his administration's motives and machinations. The fourth quote above was The Dick providing a reasoned defense of his office's decision to award a sole-sourced non-compete contract to the infamous Halliburton, who in a most bizarre coincidence, was once headed by someone with the exact same name as Bush's Vice President.

Hand-over is Looming
The much anticipating shedding of responsibility for the impending Iraq civil war happens this Wednesday at midnight. The Bushies will certainly use what little opportunity the situation presents to depict this as validation of their desire to ram a Democracy suppository up the collective Iraqi butts. The theory is, if Bush & Co. can divert media attention from the ever-festering mess in the middle east, he'll have a glimmer of a chance at re-election. With the corporate control of the media stronger than it's ever been, he just might be able to pull it off.

Problem is, the "insurgents" (U gotta love that term, which connotes a legitimate standing government <gaaagh!>) are getting very media savvy. They understand that the way to achieve their goals of anarchy is to escalate the violence around the hand-off time. This further isolates America from the rest of the world. The one drawback with this, is as America gets more isolated, it increases the chances that Kerry will get elected, which ultimately will slow the pace of Al Qaeda recruiting that has flourished under GWB's leadership.

Still, the Iraqi "government" will have no power over the security forces, no power to prosecute war criminals and no power over oil revenues. That's all for Halliburton to figure out.

Psyche-out Update!!! No stranger to sneaky maneuvering, the White House bumps up the handover three days to... NOW! Yes, just when the "insurgents" were finalizing their inauguration ceremony plans, they turn on Al Jazeera's morning show and see Paul Bremer in loafers and a one way ticket to Disneyworld. Good move Bushies! I guess that closes the chapter on Iraq!

Cheney Energy Cabal to Remain Secret
The Supreme Court ruled that The Dick's energy task force, aka the Medellin cartel of SUV crack, can keep their secret schemes secret, despite open government laws, which we naively thought would open up government information to undeserving plebeian citizenry. The task force, which included such ethical luminaries as Ken "downsized to just the Aspen house" Lay and Christian Apocalyptic Adherent Gail Norton, put together a plan for how America could continue its myopic reliance on fossil fuels until the last drop was squeezed from Arab lands.

The decision was an endorsement of government corporate collusion, thereby solidifying the stranglehold energy interests have on American foreign policy, environmental policy, fiscal policy, health policy and policy policy.

Apparently, that duck hunting trip has yielded some big time mallards!

Thank You Green Party
After naming a long-time Green Peter Camejo as his veep candidate, Nader was dealt a well-deserved blow, as the Greens endorsed David Cobb as the latest candidate to vie for the well-meaning-but-to-no-avail vote.

I don't mean to denigrate the Green Party, whose positions align with mine with greater fidelity than those of the Democrats. On the contrary, this move could be easily interpreted as a recognition that defeating Bush is a very real possibility and looms as more important to the Green agenda than registering as many votes as possible for their like-it-or-not fringe party.

Questions for the Honorable Mr. President
1. Can you tell the American people once and for all if you believe Iraq and/or Saddam Hussein had anything to do with the September 11th terrorist attacks on America?

2. No seriously, just a yes or no answer, then you can elaborate your bumper sticker logic.

3. Do you think your statements on "connections" and "contact" between Saddam Hussein and Al Qaeda have led to the perception, still held by the majority of Americans, that Iraq and/or Saddam Hussein were involved in the September 11th terrorist attacks on America?

4. Mr. President, with all due respect, please answer the question.

5. Would you like to correct that misperception once and for all?

6. Uh, sir, you're not answering the question.

7. Mr. President? Sir?

8. Oh forget it.

9. Wha? Go fuck myself?

Sick of this Crap Staff (yes, the links really work!):

Editor:
Publisher:
Layout:
Research:
Interns: , ,
Admin:
Contributors:

 
  Crap Archives
Links
About  
  Legal Disclaimer: All information on this site has been carefully considered as to its inflammatory value against the backdrop of the prevailing standards of cultural depravity. Research is spotty at best. The resulting verbiage, though dead-on and wickedly insightful (not to mention inciteful) should be considered pure satire, if for no other reason than to deflect lawsuits.