U   P   D   A   T   E   D         W   E   E   K   L  Y  ! ! !

The Last Bastion of America's Liberal Media

8 Mar, 2004

Turd of the Week

Karl Rove, this week's debut of the Bush re-election ads has been an embarrassment for even the hard core right wingers.



Blabbering Bush Head

Click head for fresh random quote from
Jacob Weinberg's The Complete Bushisms - Netscape users hit reload

Iraq War Cost
(JavaScript Error)

Civilian casualties update
This data is an accounting of civilian deaths in Iraq to date.
See Iraqbodycount.net for statistical methodologies


Growing fat off juicy Iraqi rebuildin' contracts. Did you know the bin Laden group is one of our top investors?

screw all the other stockholders, we're cashing out!

Hey, what do you know? We make money from American militarily screwed up countries in the Middle East!

We're already negotiating with the “new Iraqi democracy” for oil rights!

Selling weapons all over the globe to ensure civilian death and instability which in turn ensures a strong market for years and years...



Mourning in America
Well, well, well... Been wondering where those $100,000,000 in Bush re-election funds have been going? Sure, they're "investments" in regulatory complacency and public-private partnerships in fraud, but now we get the disgusting bonus of the slick ads extolling the Bushchievements that have brought Earth from 1st to 8th place in planetary buffoonery (Thank God for Pluto, the Mississippi of the Solar System!).

What does $100,000,000 buy you? Gauzy images of dead firefighters with a reassuring voice comforting us... "Steady Leadership for Changing Times." Wha??? Corpses and Hope together as a reassuring Biggie size combo meal? That shit cost a hundred million? Damn, give the poor fools their money back! The leadership has been as steady as a Baghdad cab ride! And "changing times?" That sounds like a phrase the Country Time Lemonade Flavor Mix Grandpa would utter in wonder at his tow-headed grandson's newfangled Gameboy.

Maybe I'm just biased (Duh!), but it sure seems that Bush's ad campaign is setting new records for transparency and desperation. I suppose they're banking on fear and pride, which admittedly can be pretty effective for most dictators, but you'd think they'd get a cutting edge ad agency... You know the Taco Bell Chihuahua ("Yo Quiero El Presidente!"), the Verizon guy ("Can you fear me now?") or, I know, I know! the Dell dude telling bazillionaires, "Dude, you're getting a Deal!"

Kerry, Waffler or Liberal?
The latest Bush campaign strategy is taking two mutually exclusive fronts. On the one hand, JFK is a wishy washy, all over the map, poll-worshipper who changes his vote to appease the mood of the week. On the other hand, he is a calculated tax and spend liberal who wants to shackle the engines of commerce while he lets people run around fornicating randomly.

The pundit is especially delighted at these two fronts which seem to confound each other. Kerry needs to embrace this confusion by proclaiming that in fact, he isn't a simple minded extremist like his opponent, and he carefully weighs issues rather than applying an extremist litmus test (What Would Jerry Falwell Do?) and ignoring the nuances that are essential for true leadership to take hold. It will be very interesting to see how the Dems create an image of Kerry that is a immediately digestible to the American public as Bush's spaghetti western bromides of hubris.

Pakistani Godfather of Nukes Given Get Out of Jail Free Card
It's no surprise that Bush is de-emphasizing Iraq as his re-election hits a sinkhole. It's no surprise, either, that his best hope lies in turning his attention back to ObL, whose capture and consequent CNN-cam tongue-depression would further his image of tough on terror. Given that ObL is pretty much certain to be lurking in the interstitial regions of stans Afghan- and Paki-, he needs big cooperation from Musharaf, the precariously enthroned dictator.

Problem is, Musharaf's grip on power is, how can I put this?, tenuous. Having assumed power via a military coup (apparently not a problem for the democracy-obsessed Bushies), Musharaf is trying to balance fanatics on either side of his wannabe centrist middle. Well, being a lapdog of America doesn't quite have the cache it used to have prior to Bush's Operation Alienate Planet initiative. But the real kicker is that Pakistan's own version of Edward Teller, Abdul Qadeer Khan, has also been Pakistan's own version of Julius and Ethel Rosenberg.

Yep, the top nuke guru for Pakistan has been heading up the global black market for enriched uranium, centrifuges and all the other crap needed to build yer own nuclear device. Not just aware, not just complicit, but heading up the whole shebang. And what does the main guy responsible for nuclear proliferation to North Korea, Iran, Libya and then the whole gaggle of "non-nations" get for his reprobation?


Not even a coy wagging finger from Islamabad or Washington. Abso-fucking-lute silence.

The very issue Bush used to push America into war, the proliferation of nukes, apparently is no big deal when it comes to that career-sustaining visual op of ObL with a tongue depressor. The level of American Idol driven political detachment Bush requires of his constituency is mind-numbing. Let's just hope there are enough of us who see what is really going on to vote him out of office at the very least, and perhaps hold him accountable in a global court of law for making this world a far more unstable place (oh yeah, that's likely!)

Meanwhile, Back in Our Hemisphere...
Ever since Bush stole the throne in 2000, he has been pushing hard to isolate the leaders he doesn't like, in hopes, one supposes, that without American support they will wither on the vine as the democratic process yields to lawlessness, murder and anarchy. In the case of Jean Bertrande Aristede, the Bushies seem to get confused between Communism and Catholicism.

It is true that there are few in the GOP or Democratic establishment who will defend Artistede's policies, which have not resulted in any lessening of human suffering in Haiti. But Aristede was elected in a process that was globally recognized as legitimate. He has not violated his responsibilities in a significant way. He has not subverted democracy in Haiti. Yet, here are the Bushies, self-proclaimed defenders of democracy throughout the Iraqi part of the world, promoting the lawlessness that has turned the hopeless barrios of Haiti into violent cesspools of raw hatred. Murder is now rampant, reports of cannibalism are becoming widespread - stories of the lost souls armies of Liberia are now sounding very familiar here in our own hemisphere.

If Bush really gave a damn about promoting democracy, he would pursue it beyond the narrow occasions when it is politically expedient or provide media attention away from real problems.

Desperate Leadership for Changing Re-election Priorities.

Sick of this Crap Staff (yes, the links really work!):

Interns: , ,

  Crap Archives
  Legal Disclaimer: All information on this site has been carefully considered as to its inflammatory value against the backdrop of the prevailing standards of cultural depravity. Research is spotty at best. The resulting verbiage, though dead-on and wickedly insightful (not to mention inciteful) should be considered pure satire, if for no other reason than to deflect lawsuits.