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The Last Bastion of America's Liberal Media

15 Mar, 2004

Turd of the Week

Al Qaeda, once again your slaughter of innocents for a supposedly greater good undercuts any legitimate claim that America's role in the world is immoral. Maybe we need somebody in the White House who actually will go after these guys...

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Blabbering Bush Head

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Iraq War Cost
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Civilian casualties update
This data is an accounting of civilian deaths in Iraq to date.
See Iraqbodycount.net for statistical methodologies



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Growing fat off juicy Iraqi rebuildin' contracts. Did you know the bin Laden group is one of our top investors?


screw all the other stockholders, we're cashing out!


Hey, what do you know? We make money from American militarily screwed up countries in the Middle East!


We're already negotiating with the “new Iraqi democracy” for oil rights!


Selling weapons all over the globe to ensure civilian death and instability which in turn ensures a strong market for years and years...

 

 

Madrid in Mourning; What Does This Say?
The catastrophic train bombing in Madrid eclipses even the Al Qaeda Indonesian bombings in ferocity and devastation. Over 200 dead; over 1,500 wounded in a savage attack against one of the few American allies left in our quest to dominate the world. While debate rages over who, the Basque separatists or Al Qaeda, is responsible, signs are increasingly pointing to the latter. It is clear that terror is a global problem, yet Bush acts as if America is the sole victim, pursuing terror mitigation on our own timeline, with our own agendas.

But wasn't all terror supposed to stop as we bombed Afghanistan and tongue depressed Saddam? Sickeningly, this is good news for the Bushies. They get the poll-boosting specter of terror splattered above the fold of USA Today, plus the extra bonus that it was not on American soil. A quick speech of sympathy and then voila, the Bush numbers rise.

Isn't it time that we took the Al Qaeda threat as a reason to crack down on Al Qaeda, not just on whomever the Bushies consider entries on their enemies list?

George and Martha and Washington
Every American heterosexual man's secret fantasy came true last week - Martha Stewart has been cornered and caged, her insidious siren song of obsessive perfection silenced. I, for one, am saddened her demise was through insider trading rather than a more fitting revelation of being outed as a chain smoking copraphagist, but seldom do we get the luxury of hand-crafting the fall of the offensive. This clearly shows the Bushies' Justice Department is getting tough on insider trading, no matter what Connecticut liberal icon is the perpetrator. Her crime was that of receiving a tip, acting on it, then thwarting the investigation into her wrongdoing.

In a completely unrelated development, there is renewed interest in Genius Businessman George W. Bush's questionable stewardship of Harken energy. Where Martha got an inside tip and kept scrupulous phone records, George was much less diligent about calligraphing his business strategies on hand-woven parchment for the authorities to review. What happened?

Well, there were many shading accounting practices at Harken, but perhaps the most perfidious was Bush and co-conspirators secretly establishing "International Marketing & Resources." IM&R then makes a bid on Aloha Petroleum, a subsidiary of Harken's. This pushes the stock way up. Harken completes the sale, but finances the sale for IM&R, while declaring it a purely profitable venture. This lying through numbers covers up huge losses by Harken.

Months later, IM&R sells Aloha (doncha love that name?) to Advance Petroleum Marketing, headed by a Bush family buddy for no profit. Advance was then on the hook for the loan that did and yet didn't exist.

While Harken's huge losses were still masked by this highly unethical shell game, Bush sold his Harken stock at $4 a share, yielding a handsome income of $848,560. Two months later, Harken files a second quarter report disclosing total losses for that quarter of$23.2 million. Stock plunges to $2.37 a share on its way to $1 a share within months.

The SEC took notice of this highly suspicious shell game, but then word came down from the White House, then headed by President George H. W. Bush to back off the dogs.

Martha illegally took advantage of inside knowledge of impending FDA announcements which would unfavorably affect her portfolio. George was head of a cabal who actively set about to defraud stockholders of millions of dollars.

Martha goes to jail. Bush strives to seek his second term in office.

Damn The First Amendment! Full Speed Ahead!
Our good friends at the Bush Re-election Committee are protecting you. They are protecting you from the exercise of free speech from such freedom stealers as Moveon.org and George Soros. According to lawyers for the Committee to Re-elect the President (CREEP), advertisements paid for by these two (and others like 'em) infringe on the Campaign Reform laws, which CREEP has craftily avoided themselves by pursuing funding solely through investments by their fat cat constituency. Apparently, they claim any ad which questions the brilliance of Bush's strategery, is by definition a Kerry advocacy ad and subject to the limitations imposed by the McCain-Feingold campaign reform laws.

Wow. Unless the judicial system has totally lost its sense of reality (a possibility given the surfeit of GOP nominations), this argument will be laughed out of the courts. If not, then one must consider this rant blog subject to those laws. Given our readership, that could constitute a drag of 27 cents against the spending limits of the Kerry campaign.

Where Them Jobs At?
Lost in the globally critical issue of Martha Stewart's dethroning was last week's whispered announcement that job growth in January was a tepid 21,000 jobs. Not only is this far below Bush's incessantly optimistic projections, not only is this far below what economists consider "treading water," it turns out the 21,000 jobs were created in the government sector. Remember the government sector? That arena which Bush conservatives were supposedly shrinking to cover the massive welfare for the rich?

What's a supply sider to do? Well, of course, you shift the issue. Devising mechanisms for creating meaningful work for millions of desperate Americans isn't the issue. No, homos filing joint tax returns is the real threat to America! And when you do have to bring up the issue, you accuse the Democrats of advancing policies that won't stimulate the job market, a subject in which you command significant expertise.

Even the last remaining shred of economic good news, the resurgent stock market, is starting to slide, eroding its gains. Boy, if Bush loses his fat cat base, it's gonna get really bleak... for him.

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  Legal Disclaimer: All information on this site has been carefully considered as to its inflammatory value against the backdrop of the prevailing standards of cultural depravity. Research is spotty at best. The resulting verbiage, though dead-on and wickedly insightful (not to mention inciteful) should be considered pure satire, if for no other reason than to deflect lawsuits.