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The Last Bastion of America's Liberal Media

10 May, 2004

Turd of the Week

Donald Rumsfeld, tough week, eh? Touching though it was to see you attempt an apology (your tear ducts wondering what the wet stuff was), the Pentagon's descent into global torturer earns you this week's steamy stencher.

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Blabbering Bush Head

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Iraq War Cost
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Civilian casualties update
This data is an accounting of civilian deaths in Iraq to date.
See Iraqbodycount.net for statistical methodologies


Growing fat off juicy Iraqi rebuildin' contracts. Did you know the bin Laden group is one of our top investors?

screw all the other stockholders, we're cashing out!

Hey, what do you know? We make money from American militarily screwed up countries in the Middle East!

We're already negotiating with the “new Iraqi democracy” for oil rights!

Selling weapons all over the globe to ensure civilian death and instability which in turn ensures a strong market for years and years...



It Doesn't Matter
Rummy's boys are scurrying around performing damage control against the huge stain of Iraqi prisoner abuse. Bold statements are flying about that this is isolated, yet unacceptable; that this will be corrected at the highest and lowest levels of command; that this was not a systemic issue and in no way representative of American intentions. Then comes the curiously non-Rummie apology and buck stoppage to claim the responsibility goes all the way to the top.

It doesn't matter.

America's reputation as world bully was already approaching unanimity in the Arab world. Now with revelations and photographic evidence that America is treating Arab prisoners worse than Saddam did (editor's note: arabic cultures generally regard sexual humiliation as worse than physical torture or even death), any hope of American moral influence is all but lost for decades.

Bush's fault? Only insofar as he supported Donald's brilliant scheme to understaff the occupying force and provide little or no guidance to weekend soldiers whose training was geared at combat, not as prison guards. Still, one cannot excuse the soldiers themselves for their actions. While the horrific quagmire that engulfs ill-prepared weekend warriors certainly produces behaviors that we comfy couch dwellers cannot imagine, the calculated sadism of these unsupervised prison guards is utterly inexcusable.

It's not just three pictures. The case behind a systemic system of prisoner torture is growing daily, creating a firestorm that has become impossible to pass off as an isolated group of rogue prison workers. More photographic evidence is surfacing which chronicles prisoner abuse in Iraq. And Donald tells us that it's possible that even worse photos are on the way...(hint, hint, wink, wink). Gee, does he know something we don't?

Reports are surfacing that prison management routinely shuffled "ghost detainees," unregistered prisoners, through the system to evade the eye of the International Committee for the Red Cross (ICRC). Other stories are emerging of American soldiers abusing and humiliating civilian detainees, including elderly women. Emerging evidence suggests that many prisoners died under our "care." Now we learn that, the ICRC has been issuing "findings" against American prison management since the beginnings of the Afghan incursion. The Pentagon was repeatedly admonished by the ICRC, but nary a brass peep came until Army Specialist Joe Darby's conscience got the better of him and CBS News was alerted.

What did the president know and when did he know it? Did he get his briefing on the issue from a Cliff Notes summary of 60 Minutes II?

The bottom line is that the war against Iraq has advanced arabic hatred against America far beyond any levels achievable by past Presidents of either donkeyan or pachydermian persuasion. Any attempt to salvage our reputation at this point is mere pandering to American voters. The American image won't get better for a looooooooong time.

White House Still Bullying the UN
You know, when somebody has the potential to bail your ass out of a hideously untenable situation, you might want to consider not pushing them around and calling them gay. But the mistake-free White House has no lessons from which to learn, so it's back to the strategy that led us straight into Hell's buttcrack.

While asking the UN to salvage Bush's presidency (all the while poised to finger-point Kofi and Company for any failure from a godawful situation), the same Bush administration is setting forth conditions under which it will deign to have its own ass bailed out. The White House, buffeted by their mastery of international nuance, insists on pushing their Iraqi political cronies for the July throne inheritance, but still insisting on the castration of those rulers, who, according to American strategery would not be able to pass laws or influence any military issues. Other than that, they'll still have power to impound rabid camels and dig the first shovelfuls of dirt at the new prison construction ceremony.

If the Bush administration is going to go the route of looking for a UN bailout (probably their last resort for reelection), they need to put on some comfy kneepads, slather on the chapstick and start kissing asses as fast and furiously as they can. The UN has been horribly slighted by the US. While the UN certainly has some of their own scandals to deal with, the US is in no position to name conditions for salvaging the Iraqi war.

The Censor Mouse
America's favorite slovenly truth seeker, Michael Moore, wants nothing more than to innocently question several incongruities concerning the White House and the Saudi family. Along comes Disney, in the form of Miramax (production studio for Mike's latest screed on screwed up America), squelching the whole idea and even admitting that the squelch impetus is due to currying favor with Jeb Bush to maintain the highly favorable tax advantages conferred upon Disneyworld by the Sunshine State.

The only problem with this corporate censorship is that it provide tons of great free publicity for Mike and it pretty much confirms his whole point. He's been pushing for America to admit it is run by a cabal of the rich and powerful for years now. When he puts out a film demonstrating his case, the rich and powerful squelch it. Brilliant. This is about as devastating as the FoxNews lawsuit was to Al Franken's best-selling Lies and the Lying Liars who Tell Them.

While it is a great relief that America still has enough outrage at blatant rights infringements to ensure this type of hurdle will only intensify the attention paid it, it does serve to demonstrate that the pervasive influence of corporate decision making is alive and well.

25 Bazillion More... for now
Surprise, surprise, surprise!!! Nobody could see this one coming... The White House has asked for $25,000,000,000 more for the war against Iraq, to deal with some "cash flow problems." This is beginning to sound like the lead-in testimonials to those debt consolidation loan commercials.

Remember when Bush fired Lawrence Lindsey, the Director of the National Economic Council for imperiously suggesting that a war on Iraq could cost America as much as 200 Billion bucks? Well, we will be lucky to get out for that, never mind the state of civil upheaval we leave in the wake of our re-election fever pull-out.

GOP lawmakers gave themselves a huge pat on the back for containing costs to a mere $25 Bazillion incremental overdraft gimme. After all, genital electrodes and incarceration hoods are expensive these days, what with the run on demand.

Scariest part, though, has got to be recent revelations by Rummy's own Andrew W Marshall, director of the Pentagon's Office of Net Assessment, who recently published the report entitled "Joint Vision 2020" <insert_Cheech_Marin_reference_here> in which he states that America is "to work to shape the international security environment in ways favorable to American interests, be willing and able to respond to the full spectrum of crises as needed, and prepare now for an uncertain future".

Ah, nothing like planning for wars of the future.

Chechnyan President Assassinated
Check it out! Some heinous global news that we can't (at press time) put on President Bush. The Putin-hand-picked Chechn president Akhmad Kadyrov was assassinated on Sunday. No matter what you think of Putin (or as the leader of the free world calls him "Pooty-Poot"), this kind of turmoil ain't helping the cause of global order.

Rest assured fair readers, if there's a Bush scandal afoot here that is recognized by legitimate media, we're all on it.

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