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The Last Bastion of America's Liberal Media

17 May, 2004

Turd of the Week

Senator James Inhofe (R- OK), your defense of torture and sexual humiliation makes me very thankful I'm not within 1000 miles of Oklahoma.

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Blabbering Bush Head

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Iraq War Cost
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Civilian casualties update
This data is an accounting of civilian deaths in Iraq to date.
See Iraqbodycount.net for statistical methodologies



Sponsors:


Growing fat off juicy Iraqi rebuildin' contracts. Did you know the bin Laden group is one of our top investors?


screw all the other stockholders, we're cashing out!


Hey, what do you know? We make money from American militarily screwed up countries in the Middle East!


We're already negotiating with the “new Iraqi democracy” for oil rights!


Selling weapons all over the globe to ensure civilian death and instability which in turn ensures a strong market for years and years...

 

 

Just About to Hit the Fan
This coming week, the new issue of the New Yorker will hit the newsstands. In the issue, master sleuth investigator Seymour Hersh puts forth scandalous allegations which could profoundly affect the composition of the Bush cabinet, if not alter the re-election efforts of the Rhinestone Cowboy. Mr. Hersh uncovers "Project Green," a Pentagon sponsored initiative in which illegal, unethical and sadistic interrogative techniques were encouraged in order to produce intelligence information so as to reverse the hideous misfortunes America continues to suffer in Iraq. Among the sanctioned techniques are: physical torture, sexual humiliation, exposure to extreme temperatures and other means of extracting information that have come into vogue after successful beta piloting in Gitmo.

What is particularly scandalous is the allegation that this policy was conceived and authorized from the highest offices of the Pentagon, namely Donald Rumsfeld and his lunatic procession of civilian warmongers. Further, sources within the Pentagon cite the White House as providing the impetus to create actionable intelligence at any cost.

The program, according to Hersh, was designed to photographically capture Iraqi prisoners, breaking Arabic sexual taboos, then release them back onto the streets. If they did not return regularly with actionable intelligence, the photos would be circulated among their families and fellow citizens, thus robbing them of all cultural dignity. Everybody wins, as long as you conveniently ignore the horrific wrath against America that is now building to a fever pitch across the world.

Meanwhile, Newsweek magazine is uncovering a story in which lawyers within the Bush administration began arguing soon after 9/11/01 that the Geneva Convention rules would significantly hinder American intelligence gathering. They assembled the legal framework within which America could use the same means reported by Mr. Hersh to extract actionable intelligence.

What's that saying about the fish rotting from the head?

70 to 90% Ooops Rate
According to those lefties at the Red Cross, we are only batting .200 in Iraqi imprisonments. The remaining 80ish% are simply caught up in the fever to capture bin Laden some 1500 miles away from where we know he is.

Keeping in mind that these 80% wrongful detainees are not exactly enjoying their plush accommodations at the Abu Ghraib resort, spa and homoerotic fantasy pleasure dome. So how do they feel about the democratic enema being nozzled up the collective Iraqi ass?

Gee, I guess we'll never know.

Solar Output Dims 10 to 37%; Clinton at Fault
Scientists from many nations have been measuring the sun's light over the past few decades. Startlingly, the measurements indicate that the sun has dimmed anywhere from 10 to 37% since measurements began in the 1950s. Somehow, this diminution is Bill Clinton's fault. His aggressive sexual tendencies coupled with his prolific drug daliances and draft protesting decades ago have apparently created enormous upheavals in the cosmos. GOP leadership insists that the dimming can be reversed by putting the Bush tax cuts into law.

God will fix all this if America can just ignore some of the petty complications associated with Iraq, America's global reputation and the fiscal health of America and concentrate on reelecting the Chosen One.

From the Mouths of Idiots
" I'm probably not the only one up at this table that is more outraged by the outrage than we are by the treatment. Many of them probably have American blood on their hands. And here we're so concerned about the treatment of those individuals."

"I am also outraged that we have so many humanitarian do-gooders right now crawling all over these prisons looking for human rights violations while our troops, our heroes, are fighting and dying."

Senator James Inhofe of Oklahoma, May 12, 2004, on the Iraqi prison abuse scandal

Happy Half-Century Brown vs. BOE
There have been two generations of public schoolers ushered through the musty halls of American schools since the Supreme Court ruled that separate but equal was only half true. Since then public schools have had to serve as the cultural vanguard in breaking down the barriers to a society truly based on character rather than pigmentation. Of course much work remains undone and many questions unresolved. However, it is clear that African Americans have unprecedented opportunity borne through the Supreme Court's ruling and we hip-aspiring honkies have had great opportunities to learn coolness first-hand.

White flight remains the single biggest threat to BvBOE as the public schools become more and more impoverished by underfunding, vouchers and NCLB testing. Unless the trend is reversed, public schools will gradually become not-so-glorified day care for the underclass, while only those who can afford education will see their kids learn, grow and ultimately attain society's brass rings.

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  Legal Disclaimer: All information on this site has been carefully considered as to its inflammatory value against the backdrop of the prevailing standards of cultural depravity. Research is spotty at best. The resulting verbiage, though dead-on and wickedly insightful (not to mention inciteful) should be considered pure satire, if for no other reason than to deflect lawsuits.