U   P   D   A   T   E   D         W   E   E   K   L  Y  ! ! !

The Last Bastion of America's Liberal Media

31 May, 2004

Turd of the Week

Iyad Allawi, You're Dick Cheney's new Iraqi handmaiden? Well, you've got great credentials, having given the world the 45 minute WMD soundbite

see stories for details


Blabbering Bush Head

Click head for fresh random quote from
Jacob Weinberg's The Complete Bushisms - Netscape users hit reload

ARCHIVES


Iraq War Cost
(JavaScript Error)

Civilian casualties update
This data is an accounting of civilian deaths in Iraq to date.
See Iraqbodycount.net for statistical methodologies



Sponsors:


Growing fat off juicy Iraqi rebuildin' contracts. Did you know the bin Laden group is one of our top investors?


screw all the other stockholders, we're cashing out!


Hey, what do you know? We make money from American militarily screwed up countries in the Middle East!


We're already negotiating with the “new Iraqi democracy” for oil rights!


Selling weapons all over the globe to ensure civilian death and instability which in turn ensures a strong market for years and years...

 

 

Bush Tries Stand-up Comedy
Ya know, usually when the Rhinestone Cowboy gives a speech, I feel obligated to watch and seeth at the horrid combination of nincompoopery and consequent media adulation. Monday night's address to the War College of Future Syrian Car Bomb Fodder was distinctly different. The court-annointed President was clearly nervous as he delivered a speech of thinly veiled self-doubt, uninspired pontification and insincere bromides that laid forth a smorgasbord of opportunities for poking his tender underbelly (which is getting tenderer by the Iraqi minute).

Sporting his nearly non-metaphorical bicycle injuries, the battered Bush had a number of unfortunate tongue slips. It took him three different tries in various points in his speech to pronounce Abu Gru-hayeeb, with each failed attempt steeped in gutteral choking. Then he read the prepared text in which he stated, to the disbelieving ears of yours truly and my eternal life partner, "They (20,000 troops) can know that they will be heading home soon."

Did he just say "beheading?"

Bush laid forth what was to be his five point plan for creating a Democratic Iraq. For those who missed it, he's going to:

  1. Turn over ceremonial powers to a puppet government on July 1 complete with inspiring commemorative napkins
  2. Rebuild oil extraction infrastructure and facilities needed to get it into our SUVs.
  3. Get other countries to clean up Iraq, on our terms and under our supervision.
  4. Ensure security by killing anybody who freaks us out.
  5. Tell the allegedly sovereign government they have to hold elections in Jan 2005, with President Sharpton overseeing the election process from his Presidential 1972 El Dorado with real foxfur upholstery fresh from MTV's "Pimp my Ride.".

Bush's desperation strategy can be summed up as: You may have little confidence in my ability to unscrewup Iraq, but face it, I've messed things up so horribly that nobody can do any better. So re-elect me. At least with Iraq a seething cesspool of jihad, you know my Syrian invasion plans are on the back burner. For now.

Latest Bush Administration Strategy: "Things to Get Worse"
Ashcroft, Tenet and Muller are bracing America for some horrific summer terror. With no guidelines on what to do, who to avoid, whom to randomly attack vigilante style and other details on whom we should vent our patriotic rage, citizens are instructed to assume a non-specific stance of freak-out. In keeping up with this trend, President Resolute is similarly trying to get ahead of the rolling bolder, or at least predict that it will roll over lots of stuff. He stated in his pathetic address to the War College that things will get worse as the "handover" nears, then get worse still in the immediate aftermath of the "handover" ending in a season finale immolation climax sure to clinch top box office honors over Shrek II, Prisoner of Azkabahn and bootleg internet copies of Farenheit 9/11.

I guess the Bush administration figures if you can't stop terror, you might as well predict it. Then if it doesn't happen, you take credit for it. If it does, you get to smugly stand in the smoldering ash pile and say "I told you so."

Now that's leadership!

Hey!!! At Least We're Not Beheaders"
Each day brings a new wave of photos, admissions and witness stories to this most regretable saga. The latest is the series of former detainees telling tales that we Americans so desperately wish to dismiss as fiction. Sickeningly convincing levels of corroboration indicate that in fact, American forces raped, sexually assaulted, tortured, humiliated, threatened, smeared with feces, served food in toilets, forced to renounce Islam, sodomized, killed, dangled with shackles for hours, terrorized, forced to masturbate, forced to sodomize each other, beaten, burned by cigarettes, bent, folded, spindled and mutilated Iraqi detainees.

It is important to note that none of these witnesses have testified that we beheaded them! It is critical to keep it in perspective that beheading is arguably worse than rape, sexual assault, torture, humiliation, threatening, feces smearing, food served in toilets, forced renunciations of religion, sodomy, death by beating, dangling with shackles for hours, terrorizing, forced masturbation, forced sodomy, beating, burning by cigarettes, bending, folding, spindling and mutilation.

Once again, America dominates the moral high ground!

We Could Use a Little Bit of Waffling
We are told that Kerry is a waffler and Bush is resolute. Of course, Bush claimed he would exercise power with humility, wouldn't engage in nation-building (I suppose that's true, although Lord knows he tried), was a compassionate conservative and would be a uniter not a divider. Waffling indicates a person may take positions with momentary conviction, but then change positions as that becomes politically expedient. If Bush isn't a waffler, let's just go with big fat liar.

Bush's incredible shrinking support base touts his steadfastery as the foundation to his (gulp) greatness. No matter that his rationale for waging war on the Iraqi people has been torn to shreds - he still refers to Iraq as the nexus of his war on terror. No matter that Iraqis are not welcoming us with open arms (unless you count firearms) - he still fights on like there's a light at the end of the quagmire. No matter that his team has revealed itself as duplicitous, corrupt and inept - he still stands behind them regardless.

If this is what being resolute is like, then perhaps we could use something else.

Sick of this Crap Staff (yes, the links really work!):

Editor:
Publisher:
Layout:
Research:
Interns: , ,
Admin:
Contributors:

 
  Crap Archives
Links
About  
  Legal Disclaimer: All information on this site has been carefully considered as to its inflammatory value against the backdrop of the prevailing standards of cultural depravity. Research is spotty at best. The resulting verbiage, though dead-on and wickedly insightful (not to mention inciteful) should be considered pure satire, if for no other reason than to deflect lawsuits.