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The Last Bastion of America's Liberal Media

Nov 15, 2004

Turd of the Week

Alberto Gonsalez, great, we're getting rid of the guy who pioneered coercive work prayer groups in favor of the Abu Graihb torture justifier.

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Iraq War Cost
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Bush Throws Re-election Party in Fallujah
Just to let off a little pent up steam from the whole re-coronation thing, send a little message to the rest of the world (in case they hadn't gotten the initial memo), and to make America increasingly safesque, Bush threw a little fete in Fallujah. Christian-style!

First come the invitations, a tasteful gilded envelope in which all persons not wishing to have their abdomens shredded with shrapnel were requested to leave town. Then, (oh, but for little surprises!!!) only women, children and elderly men were allowed to leave, since it's clear all able-bodied men are terrorists, hell-bent on preventing American sovereignty and blocking the privatization of Social Security. Finally, the coup de gras of the shindig - thousands of tons of explosives and armaments trained on the remaining citizens of the city of some half a million. Oh wait, recent estimates indicate that all the good guys left the city, leaving only the bad guys. Whew!!! what a relief!

So, as the US forces, with assistance from a Brit named Trevor and a Polish guy name Alexander (who is hoping to head back to Gdansk in a couple weeks when the Poles close up their Iraqi entanglement), are now reducing the third largest city in Iraq to rubble. Then they're stirring the rubble for some rebombing. Once the folks who fled come back and find their houses smoldering piles of adobe, they'll be so thankful that America has liberated them and spread Democracy.

Oh, what's this? An increase in problems in Mosul? What a weird coincidence.


Sponsors:


Growing fat off juicy Iraqi rebuildin' contracts. Did you know the bin Laden group is one of our top investors?


screw all the other stockholders, we're cashing out!


Hey, what do you know? We make money from American militarily screwed up countries in the Middle East!


We're already negotiating with the “new Iraqi democracy” for oil rights!


Selling weapons all over the globe to ensure civilian death and instability which in turn ensures a strong market for years and years...

Well, at Least We're Out of the Frying Pan...
John Ashcroft, you've provided such fertile material for outrage over the past nearly 4 years, we almost hate to see you go. Well, perhaps that's not entirely true, as you have worked tirelessly to turn a nation firmly founded in fostering freedom into a police state of secret detainment, eavesdropping without judicial approval, and a general abrogation of privacy rights. Where once Americans could expect to only surrender rights for just cause, they now can be detained "just cuz."

And who spear headed this effort to trade freedom for security? John Ashcroft, the evangelical ex-Senator who lost his last political race to a dead man.

So, how we could possibly do anything but upgrade after his ouster? Enter Alberto Gonsalez, the self-made Hispanic wonder boy fascist. Yep, the son of migrant farmers, he scrapped his way into Harvard Law School and hitched his fortunes onto the shiny dude ranch spurs of Texas Governor George W. Bush, where he served as Attorney General during Texas's lurch to the right. One of the tasks for a state's AG is to advise the Guv of potentially problematic death row cases, should the Texas exec decide on having a pregnant pause before throwing the switch.

  • Gonsalez prepared 57 death row reviews for Governor Bush, but frequently omitted pivotal facts, such as mental retardation of criminals and contravening DNA evidence. 56 of those cases were interpreted by Bush as green lights.
  • During Gonsales's tenure, five Halliburton cases went before the Texas Supreme Court, which ruled in favor of Cheney's firm each time. Oh yeah, Halliburton was the second-largest corporate contributor to Texas Supreme Court races, including Gonsales's Chief Justice race.
  • As White House Counsel Gonsales did not recuse himself from the Enron investigation, even though he had accepted $14,000 from the oil corporation.

Choice Gonsalez quote: "The war on terrorism is a new kind of war, a new paradigm [that] renders obsolete Geneva's strict limitation on questioning of enemy prisoners and renders some of its provisions quaint."

I love the quaint part. That used to be a word reserved to describe a road-side apple stand.

In Case You Were Wondering How Evangelical the New Administration Is...
They're going after Arlen Specter as a left-wing enemy. That's Arlen Specter, folks, the Republican who viciously attacked Anita Hill during Clancy's nomination hearings. Let this be a warning that "moderation" will not be tolerated in America's dominant party.

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