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The Last Bastion of America's Liberal Media

Oct 25, 2004

Turd of the Week

George Bush, don't worry darling. I hadn't forgetten that the whole mess is ultimately yours. Snuggle the weekly trophy stool.

see stories for details



Sponsors:


Growing fat off juicy Iraqi rebuildin' contracts. Did you know the bin Laden group is one of our top investors?


screw all the other stockholders, we're cashing out!


Hey, what do you know? We make money from American militarily screwed up countries in the Middle East!


We're already negotiating with the “new Iraqi democracy” for oil rights!


Selling weapons all over the globe to ensure civilian death and instability which in turn ensures a strong market for years and years...

Blabbering Bush Head

Click head for fresh random quote from
Jacob Weinberg's The Complete Bushisms - Netscape users hit reload


Re-election
Threat Level: Code Red

Iraq War Cost
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Civilian casualties update
This data is an accounting of civilian deaths in Iraq to date.
See Iraqbodycount.net for statistical methodologies


 

Crunch Time
The moment of truth is drawing near. Those of us who feel our vote was overridden in 2000 have been waiting impatiently for 4 years (or 48 months, or 208 weeks, or 1456 days, or 34944 hours, or 2,096,640 minutes or 125,798,400 seconds) to have a referendum on the ruling junta. Since that day, I felt that Bush was a one-termer like Daddy. While I am hopeful, I also fear that a close race gives the GOP the edge that their nefarious tricksters can exploit. If it goes to the courts again, we can expect 2000 redux. In turn, we can expect a similar fantasy of landslidesque mandate articulated in more war, more curtailment of freedom, more handouts to the fatcats, and social values as drafted by Gary Bauer and Pat Robertson (more on him later!).

Still, you gotta be inspired by the fact that Bush is very close to that one-way Greyhound ticket to Midland. It's rare that war Presidents are tossed out halfway through the spin cycle. You could say LBJ was, but then the Vietnam "police action" was two and a half Presidential terms old at that point and the media was reporting what was going on rather than diverting budgets toward computer graphics of soaring eagles and softly lit American flags waving the contrails of said eagle. For Americans to look anywhere beyond the current Presidential leadership at a time of national crisis speaks volumes at the reluctance of the American majority to feel comfortable with the drain Bush is circling with America as his Titanic deck plank.

Then, there's the acknowledgement of the GOP spin machine. Poised to pounce, ever vigilant, Team Rove is constantly at the ready, seizing immediately on any Kerry quote that can be robbed of its context, truncated to the point of utterly obscuring its original meaning, or, what the hell, outright fabricated toward a defeatist sissy position. Their depiction of JFK is a terrifying monster who orchestrated a traitorous tenure in the Mekong Delta, just so he could cash in on it by running for President 35 years later, where he would position tepid police forces against terror and under the control of the old Europe while crippling the economy with huge tax hikes to pay for socialist programs. Somewhere between not really standing firm for anything and standing firm for the advancement of all thing liberal, lies the image of John Kerry that the GOP has invested billions to construct. But all of the above is to be expected for an America whose attention is focused on stuff accumulation.

The truly unconscionable tragedy of this election is the pervasive, widespread and deliberate GOP disenfranchisement of likely Democrat voters.

The Pervasive, Widespread and Deliberate GOP Disenfranchisement of Likely Democrat Voters
The tactical and strategic differences couldn't be more stark. The Dems want to win this election so badly, they're trying to register as many likely voters as possible and do everything possible to deliver them to the polls. The GOP, on the other hand, views getting the vote out as but one component in an otherwise larger Malcolm X strategy. In addition to the putrid tactics mentioned in the above articloid, the Pachyderms are once again relying on what got 'em the White House in the first place: fraud.

Florida is hardly in any better shape for a fair election than it was 4 years ago. Voting equipment in poorer and more Democratic counties is antiquated and subject to significantly higher levels of no-counts. The felon rolls are once again purging many African American voters whose names were similar to felons, while the felons themselves had many Gubernatorily-invoked obstacles thrown in their way for retaining voting rights. Meanwhile, the felon rolls do not feature the same disenfranchising bias for Hispanic citizens, considered likely to pull Bushward. (Thank you Castro!!) Last election found nearly a half a million African American voters disenfranchised by the tactics, a number that would otherwise easily have won the state for President Gore.

Then there's the brilliant tactic of GOP hiring contractors to register likely Democrat voters, only to accidentally deliver those registrations to a nearby dumpster. Disgruntled contractors in Nevada have brought us this tidbit. Wait, what's that playah hatez? That's just sour grapes? Nope, reporters found the almost registered voter forms in the trash. Whoops. They should bring G. Gordon Liddy and Olly North out of retirement to take care of those sloppy loose ends.

Now the Ohio GOP (whose Bush election chair last election was the CEO of DieBold, the electronic voting machine market leader) is positioning thousands of poll obstructionists in voting areas, poised to challenge the credentials of any voters with dark skin, domestic partners, Priuses or non-lobe piercings (tattoos are probably okay).

By hook, but more likely by crook, the GOP will do anything to reduce the number of Dem registrations, eliminate their legitimacy and ensure their guy regains the throne again. After all, they learned very well from 2000.

Tidbits
Things you may or may not need to know:
  • Didja know that 36 American soldiers have died in Iraq in the past two weeks? Probably not, huh?
  • Didja know that 380 tons of the world's most powerful conventional explosives are missing from a former military installation in Iraq? Whoopsie!
  • The SOTC editors will resist all Kerry / Bambino Curse references. After all, hidden deep within our psyches lies a vestigial scruple.
  • Now that Sinclair ran its character assassination against Kerry as "news in the public interest" their punishment will be decided by Colin Powell's son.
  • Acknowledging someone as gay, no matter how respectfully, is gay bashing.
  • The US election process does not meet baseline standards for President Carter's election monitoring team.
  • Remember that the worse things are going in Iraq, the more it proves the dangers of terror, which in turn show that Bush was right to invade.
    Ka-Ching!

Bush vs. Pat Robertson
Talk about biting the hand that feeds ya'! All Pat Robertson did was reveal the depth of Bush's fantasies about Iraq (as if there weren't ripe example of same every week). Yep, as Bush was pretending to contemplate the invasion of Iraq, he sought the counsel of a wise sage, unaffected by political bias, racial ignorance or Christian hubris.

Just kidding, he was actually talking to Pat Robertson. Apparently, God told Pat that the Iraq war would be problematic and bloody (Man, that God can see some future shit, eh?). No, Bush replied, there would be no casualties. (true, if you don't count 15,000 Iraqi civilians, untold Iraqi military/insurgent deaths, 1,104 Americans and America's global reputation) None. Bush figured "I'm gonna get me one of them bread for hundreds miracles!" After all, God hadn't let him down so far.

Now, apparently Bush is beginning to question the word of God. A grueling weekend interview on Fox"News" found him self-doubting out loud that "it's up in the air" as to whether or not America could be safe again. Just imagine what the Rovester would do had Kerry hit that fat lob over the net...

Fear not, 700-Clubbers. Pat still supports the crusade to purge the holy land and its extensive suburban sprawl of the bacon-fearing, camel-incesting infidels, so Bush is still alright and all. But it all begs the important question:

Just who's God is running this thing?

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  Legal Disclaimer: All information on this site has been carefully considered as to its inflammatory value against the backdrop of the prevailing standards of cultural depravity. Research is spotty at best. The resulting verbiage, though dead-on and wickedly insightful (not to mention inciteful) should be considered pure satire, if for no other reason than to deflect lawsuits.