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The Last Bastion of America's Liberal Media

Sep 6, 2004

Turd of the Week

Zell Miller, your blistering attack on Kerry really begs the question, "Are you up to date on your Rabies shots?"

see stories for details


Growing fat off juicy Iraqi rebuildin' contracts. Did you know the bin Laden group is one of our top investors?

screw all the other stockholders, we're cashing out!

Hey, what do you know? We make money from American militarily screwed up countries in the Middle East!

We're already negotiating with the “new Iraqi democracy” for oil rights!

Selling weapons all over the globe to ensure civilian death and instability which in turn ensures a strong market for years and years...

Blabbering Bush Head

Click head for fresh random quote from
Jacob Weinberg's The Complete Bushisms - Netscape users hit reload

Threat Level: Lilly White

Iraq War Cost
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Civilian casualties update
This data is an accounting of civilian deaths in Iraq to date.
See Iraqbodycount.net for statistical methodologies


Gut Check for Kerry & the Donkeys
This is a trying time for the Bush opponents. Much as Iraqi street fighters feel free to circumvent any sense of military decorum in pursuing their "fanatical" goals, so the Republican machine has long left behind any reverence for truth, respect and the democratic process. The convention was a diatribe of unsubstantiated invective that left the bloodthirsty crowd foaming at the mouth and hungrily chanting for the severed head of Kerry on a bloody pike. The GOP week was perfectly capped off with Clinton suffering serious cardiac injury requiring open heart surgery. Life is good for the over-privileged.

Remember when the incumbent was supposed to run on their record of accomplishment? History babes. The few isolated references to the Bush record must have been referring to another planet where another President Bush was actually helping people, making the world safer and not consuming the sinewy emaciated flesh of the disenfranchised.

Instead, the haves, who control every branch of American government except for the Register of Deeds in Boulder Colorado, are furious pissed off and not going to take any more of whatever shreds of our culture they still haven't usurped in their quest for total JesusHonkeyEarthBurn, Incorporated dominion of the earth.

The Swift Boat Janjaweed, so obviously tied to the GOP machinery, has accomplished its mission of spewing enough misinformation to fool enough of the public too lazy to read a multi-paragraph analysis comparing the Swift Boat Janjaweed lies to the reality of Kerry's service. The fact that it has been thoroughly debunked by even "FoxNews" is now irrelevant. Mish accomplish.

It's past time for Kerry and company to start going for the jugular. The economy? Yeah, okay, play that card against the nebulous reality of ambiguous economic indicators that are spewed regularly from the Bush administrations own cronies. How about using as ammo something like, gee I don't know, maybe THE IRAQ WAR!?!? The Kerry strategy on the war begins to give credence to the Ralph Nadir view that there are no substantive differences between Bush and Kerry. Kerry has aligned himself with nearly every Bush position on the Iraq war, presumably in a pathetic attempt to pull the middle over donkeyward. But in the process, he failed to understand that the Iraq disaster is the very reason that most Americans are so leery of the incumbent.

Then, to really go for the kill, Kerry needs to portray Bush's alleged "decisiveness" for what it is: a series of bad plans, executed poorly with no desire or ability to respond to changing circumstances. He is decisive about Iraq in the sense that he decided to invade long before 9/11/01, using a fanciful plan put in place years before, then he has shown an utter inability to change his failed course in clinging to the fantasy that it will turn out the way his neo-con ultimate fantasy planners said it would.

John Kerry, if you and your partymates cannot defeat the idiot that is wasting oxygen in the Oval Office, then perhaps its time for the People's Intergalactic Conspiratorial Subversion Party to start looking for members. Give me a call.

The Good Professor is in the House!

Professor Pissed Contributes to the Partisan Divide
Just a few innocent comments on the pretender's acceptance speech, spewed last week to balloons and confetti at the Republican convention:
" Mr. Chairman, delegates, fellow citizens: I am honored by your support, and I accept your nomination for president of the United States. When I said those words four years ago, none of us could have envisioned what these years would bring."

Yes, who could have known? A stolen election betraying the very basis of the American political system and the separation of powers; mass murder in New York followed by an almost immediate loss of world sympathy thanks to Bush administration foreign policy; poverty increasing and the rich getting richer across the USA, while the budget deficit mushrooms due to Bush's warmongering and insistent privileging of the wealthy in every domestic policy .... and so on.

" I am a fortunate father of two spirited, intelligent and lovely young women."

Hummmm. Intelligent doesn't seem to ring any bells. The performance of the giggling duo at the convention was an international embarrassment, as far as the British Press conveyed the situation....

"My father served eight years at the side of another great American — Ronald Reagan. His spirit of optimism and goodwill and decency are in this hall, and in our hearts, and will always define our party."

Ah, yes, that "great American" who also bumbled his way through his years as president while putting in place insidious policies whose effects are still with us. His "optimism" and "goodwill," pointed so directly (Bush has learned from this) towards increasing the wealth of his friends while fucking over the poor, eviscerating the tax base, thereby destroying the public schools and other crucial institutions aimed to support those otherwise disenfranchised. Excuse me while I barf.

" I believe, I believe every child can learn and every school must teach — so we passed the most important federal education reform in history. Because we acted, children are making sustained progress in reading and math, America's schools are getting better, and nothing will hold us back."

Nausea is replaced by rage -- how dare this git (a great English epithet) mimic Martin Luther King's cadence as his administration destroys everything King stood for?

"In the last four years, you and I have come to know each other. Even when we don't agree, at least you know what I believe and where I stand. You may have noticed I have a few flaws, too. People sometimes have to correct my English — I knew I had a problem when Arnold Schwarzenegger started doing it. Some folks look at me and see a certain swagger, which in Texas is called walking. Now and then I come across as a little too blunt — and for that we can all thank the white-haired lady sitting right up there."

Oh, please. Mr. honest and blunt. Stupidity turned into a virtue -- where else but in the anti-intellectual USA? Sometimes I am glad to be elsewhere (though, let's me honest, Blair has managed brilliantly the opposite feat of turning his intelligence into a massive flaw....).

Here's my favorite moment: "In our world, and here at home, we will extend the frontiers of freedom.... I believe in the transformational power of liberty: The wisest use of American strength is to advance freedom..... And as freedom advances — heart by heart, and nation by nation — America will be more secure and the world more peaceful."

Yes, he is certainly "extending the frontiers of freedom," against the will of those he "frees." Give me a break. Take social studies 101; forcing other sovereign nations into long-term war isn't a good formula for making anywhere in the world (least of all the perpetrating nation) safer and more peaceful. Last time I checked.

Oh, that's it. I can't go on -- why bother? If this kind of reactionary pseudo-patriotic drivel is what Republicans want to hear then I'm happy to perpetuate and even exaggerate the partisan divide (and, please, please, please Mr. Nader -- take a very long hike off a very short pier into a sea of oblivion....). Beyond drivel, though, the worst part is the truly terrifying results of Bush's presidency. Thousands of people have died in Afghanistan and Iraq because of him. Thousands of kids in the USA are being flushed down the toilet because of the lack of social programs, destroyed by his policies.

One of the most disgusting things about Bush and his minions is their disingenuousness -- as Bush claimed in his speech to have "brought Republicans and Democrats together" he has created the worse divide in living memory (well, since the early 1970s at least); as he claims to "care" he shits on any social group other than his own demographic (rich white people in the oil industry who don't have a clue about anyone other than themselves). Every single thing he said about Kerry is either completely untrue or dishonestly framed and thus contorted beyond recognition.

OK, I'll stop. At least I live in another country and can avoid paying attention to the rest of the campaigning while I fill in my absentee ballot (which I'm sure will be one of those "mistakenly" put in the trash by the election authorities when they realize I'm not a die-hard Republican)....

The good professor is trying to get back to the USofA, where she can have her vote mysteriously lost by the Diebold corporation.

Rare sighting of the Compassionate Conservatism Locust
Millions of Americans are waking up today to the vaguely familiar, yet deafening buzz of the 4 year Compassionate Conservatism locust. Spending 3 years and 9 months in larval stage buried deep beneath the earth, the grub exists silent and inactive, waking only briefly during its pupal stage to consume the fleshy egg sack in which it was laid. During this time, very little development takes place as its larval and pupal stages are distinguished only by extreme lethargy. Entomologists have often presumed the grubs dead, due to a complete lack of neural activity.

Then suddenly, the circadian rhythms of the Republican Presidential Convention emanate deep into the cold earth, coaxing this creature to life. From the convention until the first Tuesday in November, the adult locust displays gaudy plumage as it flies about attracting as much attention as it can. As if to make up for years of lethargy, the dance of the locust is renowned for calling attention to itself, using mimicry to imitate other species that spend their lives devoted to sustaining their colonies. Even the untrained eye can detect the exaggerated contortions used by the locust attempting to mimic those colonizing species, who are generally too busy for such displays themselves. For the precious few weeks until it dies and leaves its eggs buried for another long hibernation, the compassionate conservatism locust emits a shrill cry, copious amounts of pheromones and leaves a slimy residue everywhere it lands.

"This infestation is particularly acute in the New York area," claims Professor Peter Naubauer, a renown Columbia University biologist. "We've seen infestations before, but this year even outpaces the record numbers of these filthy bugs back in September of 2000."

The locusts now swarm throughout the mid-town Manhattan area, causing enormous traffic congestion and respiratory difficulty. Entomologists predict the swarming will only intensify until the mysterious mass death of millions of locusts at the end of the first Tuesday in November. Until then, New Yorkers, Americans and people across the world are advised to be on the lookout for this temporary nuisance.

Kobe Jams at the Buzzer!
Investors in CourtTV have suffered an enormous blow this last week. Promising ratings that were approaching the OJ inspired stratosphere, the trial of one time McDonalds spokesjock Kobe Bryant for rape charges quickly forced those of us who give a crap into one of two camps.

The first camp consisted of women's rights advocates who saw yet another pampered athlete delusionally (or is it delusional?) assuming immunity to the laws of civility that bind us all to suppressing our seething sexual rage. This group included your everyday feminists, your fed-up-with-those-damn-overpaid-athletes, your closet racists, your not-so-closeted racists, Burger King and Wendy's executives, and that huge group that just plain hates the Lakers.

The second camp was the Kobe defenders who saw yet another greedy goldbricker hoping to cash in on the double bounty of hot megastar weenie and a juicy settlement in which to soothe the bruises of emotional anguish, pain and suffering. This group included Lakers front office, sports shock jocks who make a living off of outrageous utterances, and those who seek a repeal of rape laws (that would be your Sexual Libertarians).

Well somewhere on the bumpy and garbage strewn path to justice, Kobe won and pretty much everybody else lost. She dropped the charges, faced with the inevitable spectacle that her life was becoming. He admitted the encounter was coerced and nonconsensual. The press now can only turn to the continuing saga of Mary-Kate Olson's eating disorders as a way to keep Iraq out of the public's attention.

Lesson: If you're a pampered athlete with an avocational interest in sexual predation, be careful. If caught, you could face a humiliating punishment of losing several family-friendly endorsements, forcing you to live off of merely your NBA contract earnings.

Faithful readers will note this articloid completes my trilogy of basketball insights. Next up: we expose the sleazy world of backgammon champions.

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