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The Last Bastion of America's Liberal Media

Sep 20, 2004

Turd of the Week

Ralph Nadir, well, well, well, you made it on the Florida ballot, thanks to lots of help from your GOP buddies. Way to go, siphoning off the gullibles from the get-rid-of-Bush bandwagon. Snuggle the olfactorily repulsive Baby Ruth bar...

see stories for details


Growing fat off juicy Iraqi rebuildin' contracts. Did you know the bin Laden group is one of our top investors?

screw all the other stockholders, we're cashing out!

Hey, what do you know? We make money from American militarily screwed up countries in the Middle East!

We're already negotiating with the “new Iraqi democracy” for oil rights!

Selling weapons all over the globe to ensure civilian death and instability which in turn ensures a strong market for years and years...

Blabbering Bush Head

Click head for fresh random quote from
Jacob Weinberg's The Complete Bushisms - Netscape users hit reload

Threat Level: UltraViolet

Iraq War Cost
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Civilian casualties update
This data is an accounting of civilian deaths in Iraq to date.
See Iraqbodycount.net for statistical methodologies


The Iraq War is Over
Well, at least the fantasy that the neo-cons have been serving up is.

It's time for America to face the inevitable: that Iraq will never be converted to democracy by American military action.

America will need to spend another 6 years in Iraq to eclipse the most inflated records of Saddam's killing ways, but with Bush, then Jeb at the helm of Steamroller Americana, we could speed up the kill rate real good and be the Barry Bonds to Saddam's Babe Ruth.

Thanks to GOP buddies Frances, Ivan, Jeanne and Karl, national attention has been diverted from the ever downward spiraling specter of Iraq. While most of us have been gawking at post-hurricane weather porn, violence has dramatically increased in Iraq, from both sides. Our bombers have now determined that innocent deaths are more than offset by bombing raids that supposedly kill cells of resistance. Every day this past week, we've seen page 7 news of Iraqi "collateral damage," aka murdering of innocents.

In a rare admission of reality, the administragmire in Washington has openly announced that humanitarian resources for rebuilding Iraq are being redirected toward security. What this means is the money we were spending to rebuild buildings, feed people and re-establish the oil economy is being used instead to pay for weapons to destroy buildings, kill people and well, still to re-establish the oil economy (some things never change).

And the final tragedy of all this is that of course, it is politically verboten to discuss this creepingly unavoidable reality. Still the Bushies insist that "Freedom is on the March" and are pushing for January elections. Gee, you don't think those "insurgents" would do anything to disrupt the democratic process, do you?

Bite your tongue.

CBS - Left Leaning or Double Agents?
How interesting that evidence is coming out which reveals CBS's Natty Guard memos to be amateurish forgeries whose content really reveals nothing we didn't already know about his commitment to serve his nation during troubling times. With these items largely rebuked, it leads the public to assume their content is 180° off the mark, leaving Bush as unassailable and the Dems looking like hack forgers.

If I weren't cynical, I'd wonder if Karl Rove choreographed the forgeries, figuring it would make the Dems look bad and oddly exonerate King Bush at the same time.

An alert right-wing reader (not a typo) informed us of an egregious error in last week's articloid "Assault Weapons R US." In depicting the assault weaponry in question we implied the weapons in question could be used as follows:

One squeeze and it's up to God to sort out the details.

In fact, it take several squeezes of the trigger finger to mass murder (ooh, my finger is sore!). Thanks for the clarification, buddy! That certainly changes the tenor of the gun debate.

Putin on the Clampdown
Pooty-Poot (Bush's nickname for the President of the geographically largest nation on earth) has a solution for his own war on Terror. Those pesky Chechnyans, still looking for a little bit of sovereignty they can call their own, are engaging in a hideous ploy to get attention. Killing children is about as low as it gets. So what's a President to do?

How about just follow the leader of the free world? Sure. What does GWB do when things get hairy? Pre-emptive strikes, suspension of civil liberties and a general appeal to fear. What Pooty-Poot is embarking on is an acceleration of his Putinization of Russia, wherein the citizenry get a queasy feeling of deja vu as the new Czar, same as the old Czar, takes hold of things.

Too bad that Bush can't say shit about it, for fear it will undermine his aspirations.

The Long Neglected Axes of Evil
Something funny happened on the way to relieving the hideous nuclear spectra in Iraq: the actual upstart nuclear menaces of the world, North Korea and Iran have ramped up their nuclear programs. Sure, why not? America is all caught up in the wild goose war in Iraq, unable to muster any attention, a rattleable saber or international legitimacy to give a flying squirrel fart about real threats.

Korea has mysterious gigantic explosions (non-nuclear, we're reassured) near their border with ever-so-nervous sponsor China, while Iran is full steam ahead with it Uranium refinement project. White House spokescrickets have responded with lonely chirping, while two very unstable nations, led by highly unstable leadership, cough up the cover charge to international respect.

No fear, GWB can appeal to all the other nations of the world to... Oh, yeah, we pretty much squandered those ties. Well, maybe he can take a moral stand on which America can... Oh, I guess we pretty much shat on our moral stance in Iraq. Maybe we can beef up our troop levels in South Korea and the Indian Ocean to... Oh, that's right. We're running thin in Iraq and are actually moving troops out of those areas.

Oh I know!!!! We can use it as an excuse to provide welfare payments to defense contractors in the name of building Star Wars technology! That'll be a big help when Iran and North Korea sell their weapons to terrorists who float a barge into the New York harbor.

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