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5 May 2003
Chronicling the new Empire of America, the uber-Bully.
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Turd of the Week

By swooping onto the flight deck of the aircraft carrier USS Abraham Lincoln, Brave Fighter Pilot George W. Bush demonstrated his formidable lying... I mean flying skills so finely honed in the National Guard, where he was AWOL for nearly a year, without consequence after having gotten Poppy to spring for a little avoidance of that whole messy 'Nam thing.

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The war on Iraq is over.
So says sassy Fighter Pilot Bush on the heels of his ready-for-MTV-and/or-reelection-2004-campaign-ads entrance last week. "The battle of Iraq is one victory in a war on terror that began on Sept. 11, 2001, and still goes on," Yes, our President, known affectionately around SOTC.com global headquarters, as "that simple-minded idiot" is still pushing the whole Iraq = 9/11 equation of corrupt morality and deceitful manipulation of public opinion. All the Al Qaeda and Iraq allegations that were spewed forth from the Bush Regime's collective lie-hole have been all too quietly refuted in the mainstream media. The connections have all been exposed as fraudulent, revealing Bush and company as shrewd opportunists willing to sell their war plans on the most emotional level possible, regardless of the voracity of those claims. If they were selling headache pills using similar strategies, the FTC would string them up.

Nearly all speculators, from all but the furthest reaches of the political spectrum, have assumed there are at least some biological and chemical weapons in Iraq. However, given the depictions provided by Bush of imminent and catastrophic threats, we would certainly have expected the discovery of significant caches of biochem weaponry by now, on top of which Rummy could do a little leprechaun dance. Every alleged discovery so far has been debunked, but again the debunking provides far less Fox"News" Oomph than the alleged smoking guns. Certainly, if the intelligence information regarding these weapons were that solid, it would have led to significant findings by now.

"Oh, but what about the inhumane treatment of Iraqis?" remains the last refuge of the supporters. Certainly, the cruelty of the Saddam Hussein regime cannot be overstated. So, shouldn't the war justification have been based on the issue of human rights alone? A look back at the months leading up to the war sees the human rights justification as secondary, if not tertiary reason for invasion, a cherry on top of the threat-to-America sundae. But then, solely on the merits of human rights, the Bush administration opens itself up to issues of Africa, Israel, China, North Korea, Pakistan, even Ashcroft's America with questions of intervention.

America has been swindled in the reasoning for the war. Bush appealed to our 9/11 fears by creating the fantasy that Saddam directly threatened the safety of Americans with his weaponry and terror support. That this was a contrived reality designed to artificially create fear-based citizen support is perhaps the most tragic stateside event of the Bush Regime so far.

Civilian casualties update
This data is an accounting of civilian deaths in Iraq to date.
See Iraqbodycount.net for statistical methodologies


Sponsors:


Growing fat off juicy Iraqi rebuildin' contracts. Did you know the bin Laden group is one of our top investors?


screw all the other stockholders, we're cashing out!


Hey, what do you know? We make money from American militarily screwed up countries in the Middle East!


We're already negotiating with the “new Iraqi democracy” for oil rights!


Selling weapons all over the globe to ensure civilian death and instability which in turn ensures a strong market for years and years...

 

Rumsfeld's Speech, an exclusive transcript!
In our continuing effort to provide fellow outragees with exclusive insights into today's affairs, SOTC.com has exhaustively studied Donald Rumsfeld's recent speech to the Iraqi survivors. To ensure everyone is privy to his words, we employed highly sensitive microphones to capture even the under-the-breath subliminal mutterings of everyone's fave assassination cheerleader. In fairness to the Donald, we've distinguished the lines captured by less sensitive microphones in black standard font, while those subliminal mutterings are depicted in red italics:

"Hello, I'm Don Rumsfeld, the American secretary of defense, I am pleased to visit Iraq - your country - to witness your liberation. Now that I have reasonable assurance that my ass is fully protected. The American people share your joy that tyranny is gone, Well, except for the Sunnis. You must be kinda bummed, heh heh. But seriously folks... We have watched you embrace your freedom except for those of you whose arms we blew off, you won't be embracing much (pause for laughs) - pulling down statues of Saddam Hussein, step aside you dirty people, let America handle the statue toppling and face-flag adorning, worshipping freely for the first time in decades in the rubble piles you used to call mosques, debating the future of your country like, how best to think happy pro-American thoughts, or else and even raising voices in dissent without fear of torture and death, we just go straight to death, bypassing that messy torture part... God, I'm killin' it up here!.

"The coalition is committed to helping you as you take control of your country as we fire off a few rounds into rowdy protesting crowds and make the transition from tyranny to freedom and self-government. By which we mean a free-govern-tyranocracy American Style! Building a free society isn't easy. But lemme tell you, breaking it apart just takes a few Florida State Troopers shutting down roads to voting booths in predominantly black precincts. It requires hard work and sacrifice. We do the hard work of adorning our SUVs with motivating slogans while you sacrifice family members, homes, limbs...

We know this is a difficult time for many of you although I forget what the exact megaton count of daisy cutting cluster bombs was when we brilliantly surmised this. Even as you celebrate your new-found freedom by stealing what cultural artifacts we missed in our bombing campaign you also want to see normalcy restored to your lives by which I mean stuff like Bojangles, Celebrity Mole Hawaii and other neat things that Mrs. Rummy and I do during family time. "You want to return to work so you can earn a living for your families (get your ass back on that oil rig and bring me a bucket of that sweet Iraqi crude, you filthy camel dingleberry!), you want to see schools reopen with a slightly revised world history curriculum, if ya' catch my drift, electricity restored starting with the oil pumps, the oil distribution facilities, the oil refineries and lastly, the ports that distribute the oil. Then maybe them fancy-pants hospitals and water running so you can mix up some of that refreshing Country Time lemon drink mix!.

"Each day that goes by, conditions in Iraq are improving. Fewer people are complaining, or at least alive or willing to complain... Heh, heh. In fact, in a number of parts of the country people already have more food, water and electricity than they had under the old regime especially the US military bases. But some do not have these necessities and the coalition is working day and night to help provide them. One of these days we'll get some of the Sunnis hooked up, heh heh... Hey Shiites, don't get cocky, we ain't done with you yet...

"Improvements in life in Iraq depend on finding the remnants of the regime and ensuring the Ba'ath party's influence is removed especially from the whole democracy thing. The coalition has taken into custody a number of senior leaders from Saddam Hussein's regime. Some of those guys I hadn't seen since way back from the old CIA training days. Ahhhh, good times, <sigh>. In almost every case, it was with the help of the Iraqi people thanks a lot for the 3 of clubs, you lame-asses. We need your help to capture the rest of them before they figure out this whole free elections thing. We also need to get rid of foreign fighters except ours, those from neighboring countries except from America who are seeking to hijack your country for their own purposes except us.

"Please help remove this threat (again, not the threat we pose) by approaching coalition forces with any information you may have about the activities and whereabouts of any foreign fighters in your area. However, be advised that if we can't figure out your intentions as you approach coalition forces, we may just blast your head of, for security purposes. We hope you understand. "We shared a common objective in the removal of Saddam Hussein more oil! and we share common objectives for a new Iraq: - a free country (free? hell, we just made a $60,000,000,000 downpayment!) where Iraq's leaders answer to the Iraqi people instead of murdering the Iraqi people unless of course that answer is murder, in which case, it's pretty much the same old crapola - where the country's wealth is used to benefit the people especially those in the executive leadership of Halliburton, Bechtel, Exxon, Mobile etc, not to line the pockets of a cruel dictator 'cause Dick Cheney is actually quite cuddly! - where Iraqi children can play using the limbless ones as home plate and study how to cower before the murderous infidels who killed their families and learn and grow more complacent at the lingering presence of handsome and powerful overlords,and not worry whether they or their parents will be suddenly taken away by death squads or some mystical place in Cuba where everyone plays sweet harp music and eats ripe dates through all of eternity..

"Back home in America I have three children - it was a complex assault on Mrs. Rummy's moist marine landing beach, followed by a flanking maneuver across her left breast as I disrupted supply lines throughout her nether region and six grandchildren - the youngest is just one year old and terrified of my permanent scowl and menacing fists. I want the same things for them that each of you want for your children and grandchildren - safety, security, that cool new video game where you get to kill the bloodthirsty camel-riding Islamic... oh never mind and a just society where they have freedom to pursue their dreams. Note all dreams must be pre-approved by the Freedom Coalition to Establish Free Dreams of Liberty and Freedom.

"We are committed to helping you as you build a new Iraq. Well, we'll supervise, but you'll do the lifting. Let me be clear: Iraq belongs to you you know, the flag, the sand and stuff. We just get the black gooey stuff way underneath it all. We do not want to run it. We just want you to run it on our terms. Our coalition came to Iraq for a purpose well, actually a bunch of purposes, not that all of them are working out according to the PR firm's recommendation - to remove a regime that oppressed your people and threatened ours in vague yet menacing ways that we'd rather not discuss in detail.

"Our goal is to restore stability and security by firing off rounds into crowds of protesters, so that you can form an interim government which, by the way, we've already set up for ya' and eventually a free Iraqi government free? Hell, we just made a $60,000,000,000 down payment!?!?!?! I know, I already used that line, but it's all just funny money anyway, we stopped counting that whole money thing a while ago- a government of your choosing and we won't have any issues with a fundamentalist Shiite government of your choosing, will we now?... heh heh., a government that is of Iraqi design and Iraqi choice although I've got some intriguing designs out in the hummer I'd just love to run by you!. "We will stay as long as necessary to help you do that, and not a day longer. Good luck figuring out what the hell that means! "Thank you for listening." When I come back, I better get a fuckin' parade!

Saudi Game
The Deparment of Offense, I mean Defense, has announced a near total pull-out of US troops from Saudi Arabia. At face value this means one of bin Laden's top goals has been achieved - the ouster of American troops from holy Saudi Arabia, petri dish of 9/11 hijackers. However, if we put the whole thing into perspective, it becomes clear that US troop embedding in Arab lands is merely a shell game.

We've upped our presence in a number of countries, notably Afghanistan, Oman, Somalia, United Arab Emirates, Pakistan, Kyrgyzstan, Turkey, Uzebekistan, but especially Qatar (pronounced "gutter"). So, it ain't exactly like we're abandoning the region, spanking our hands and expecting democracy to spread like kudzu an old barn.

With all the outrage in the middle east, Asia and Europe of American motives and deep concern stateside, it is clear the Bush Regime must take steps to at least appear to address concern of Americanization of the Arab lands. Special attention must be paid to the big picture and not allow the hypocrisy of Bush and his minions to soothe our concerns with their lip service to morality.

The Fuzzy Math of Voodoo Economics
Well, now that Iraq is finished and has been entirely transformed into a Mesopotamian political utopia, the Bush Regime seems ready to assassinate the hideous economy, shock and awe unemployment and cluster bomb the bear market. The weapon of mass destruction in this case is tax relief for the wealthy. Reagan nostalgia has certainly set in, for few economists still believe this flash-in-the-pan wistful thinking that by giving rich people a tax break, the poor people get more jobs. Still, give the conservatives credit for shredly selling their corrupt logic on the voters who support the raging anti-tax fervor, clinging to the lip service offered for social safety nets, education and protecting our dwindling resources.

The situation? There are 8,800,000 Americans actively seeking work. The goal? convert much of those job seekers to job holders. How is Bush going to do it? Well, here's the math:

Plan Tax cut Jobs to be created $per new job
orig Bush plan $700,000,000,000 Bajillions $700,000?
"compromise plan" $550,000,000,000 1,000,000 $550,000

So our economic genius has figured out a way to create a new job for only half a million dollars! It should be noted that the 1,000,000 jobs created would be extremely modest by historical trends, both long term and recent. Even the reviled PornPrez Clinton managed to preside over a 5,000,000 job growth in his first term, despite increasing taxes on the beleaguered wealthy. As a matter of fact, there has been an average growth of 1,300,000 jobs per year over the past 84 years, while Bush seeks to create less than that figure over the next 18 months, while recklessly bankrupting the federal budget on the backs of the poor and middle classes while lining the pockets of his fat cat constituency. The only president who didn't see net job growth over his tenure was Hoover. Now Bush looks like a shoe-in for sharing that horrific honor. Even his dad, who was booted from office for not giving a crap about the economy, saw job growth.

Still, we Americans are happy to get a few table scraps of tax relief from the smorgasbord of the rich and are willing to watch education, care for the poor, veterans benefits and pretty much all other domestic spending go down the drain. Sad.

Ari Fleisher reminds us that unemployment is a lagging indicator. Ari, it's not a lagging indicator of unemployment, which is the big problem right now you bald-headed soul-bereft doofus.

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