u p  d a t e d  w e e k l y !

The Last Bastion of America's Liberal Media

6 Oct, 2003

Turd of the Week

Arnold And Rush, my two favorite illustrations of the intellectual right-wing. Between your ass-grabbery, 'dolf worship and race-baiting, you guys managed to wrestle the weekly butt nugget from the White House, and on a delicious week, no less...

Blabbering Bush Head

Click head for fresh random quote from
Jacob Weinberg's The Complete Bushisms - Netscape users hit reload

Iraq War Cost
(JavaScript Error)

Civilian casualties update
This data is an accounting of civilian deaths in Iraq to date.
See Iraqbodycount.net for statistical methodologies


Growing fat off juicy Iraqi rebuildin' contracts. Did you know the bin Laden group is one of our top investors?

screw all the other stockholders, we're cashing out!

Hey, what do you know? We make money from American militarily screwed up countries in the Middle East!

We're already negotiating with the “new Iraqi democracy” for oil rights!

Selling weapons all over the globe to ensure civilian death and instability which in turn ensures a strong market for years and years...



Siegfried & Bush Attacked by Their Own Tiger
George Walker Bush, the only President to lose the election and still take office, is seeing his star fading fast. His disastrous agenda was buoyed for some time only by the collective American fear that he both fomented and exploited. As long as he was able to draw attention to the next looming threat, Americans would not notice that his solution to the most recent one created horrific consequences and solved nothing. While the rest of the world shuddered in anger at our self-appointed supremacy, many Americans saw Bush's unblinking commitment to his agenda as a steadfast certainty in an uncertain world.

But Bush began to believe in his own trajectory, much as we late 1990's hi-tech investors believed the market would never peak. Interpreting the fear-driven support of his knee-jerk militarism as political capital upon which he could drive long-term agendas of sacrifice and expense, he let the ambitious war zealots into his inner circle. Once they had his ear, the neo-cons found a gullible pawn who had no seasoned perspective with which to assess the "happy domino" scenario they laid before him:

September 11th could be exploited as an all-purpose excuse to go after anybody. To be practical, the first victim after Afghanistan had to be weak, strategic and demonizeable to Americans. Iraq proved to be the perfect target, except it required significant poetic license in order to be depicted as an imminent threat to America. And that's where things started falling apart...

Broad brush Bush deception certainly was the horse that brung 'im to the flight deck of Abe Lincoln and there was nothing overt to indicate that the media and the masses wouldn't continue to gobble up the distortions and misuse of fact they'd been swallowing with glutonous appetites for months.

But now Americans are asking themselves "Why do we need to spend eighty seven billion dollars if the Mission is Accomplished?" It is strained irony that Americans are blanching at the one truthful thing Bush has done - tell us we need enormous additional investments to stablize Iraq, since Bush slammed the door on international assistance.

The war on terror is getting to be old news for the Software Development Managers now greeting people at Wal-Mart (who by definition are not on the rolls of the unemployed). The economy is the camel's nose under the tent that causes folks to question the steadfastness of the Lemming King's wholly unattainable aspirations of American monopoly on global power. The media is feeling the pendulum swing and are finally waking from their embedded stupor to write a new story.

It's going to be an interesting 13 months, fellow disgustees...

"The Worst Kind of Traitor"
The headline is George H. W. Bush's description of anyone who would deliberately blow the cover of an American spy. Although first delved into months ago by liberal media-ists (including yours truly), for some reason it takes a while for scandal to get its feet. Of course, I'm referring to the unceremonious outing of Valerie Plame as a CIA operative by someone to Robert Novak and other journalists. Then there's the concommitant revelation of her cover corporation which now blows cover for dozens of operatives involved in sensitive operations. But what's the big deal about endangering lives and compromising American intelligence operations when there's opportunity for petty revenge?

Lots of speculation is riding on 1600 Penn, particularly Carl Rove, as the source of the outage. Of course, Bush could take an aggressive approach and demand the leaker come forward, turn the screws on his staff and ultimately come out of it looking squeaky clean. But that would end up saving the taxpayers money, something Bush has yet to accomplish, despite his faux conservative pedigree.

While this current scandal in the making is the hot topic of Bush corruption, let's put it in perspective. It's just one small piece of the big betrayal of America, merely a tactic of revenge for daring to state publicly that the emperor is not only stark naked, but still has a streamer of toilet paper hanging out of his ass.

Weapons Report Proves Saddam's Minor Infractions and General Intent
So George is hyping the pitiful remnants of a WMD findings document in an embarrassing attempt to maintain the incredible shrinking reasons for war.

Nukes? None found. No smoking gun. Matter of fact, they found that an unnamed African nation had cold-called Saddam (apparently, before the do-not-call list) looking for a buyer for alleged fissionable material. Saddam said no, thanks, even when enticed with a tie-in Sports Illustrated shoe phone.

Chemical Weap's? None found. No smoking gun. No warm holster.

Bio Weap's? Zip. No wait... They found a vial of botulism in some guys fridge!!!! Woohoo!!!.... Hell, I've got more dangerous stuff growing in the back of my fridge.

But according to Bush, there was a treasure trove of implications, which if read with the proper desperate bias, could indicate that Saddam may have wanted to revive a weapons program at some distant point in the future! Much ballyhooed was Saddam giving North Korea ten million bucks, presumably for missiles, which Pyongyang yanked and snubbed Saddam's weapons request.

By holding the meager shreds of inferred Iraqi interest in the weapons that were supposedly launchable within 45 minutes notice, Bush has succeeded in painting his own intransigence in the face of facts. Iin clearly portraying Iraq as a dimly potential and hypothetical future threat to America, he strains the very outer reaches of credibility.

Arnold and Rush Eaten by Their Own Words and Busy Hands
Of course it will do nothing to Rush believers but confirm their conspiracy theories of an America demonically hell-bent on enforcing the Emancipation Proclamation, just as Arnold allegations may ironically shore up his support for people who disbelieve the Nazi connection, but last week was not a good one for these two walking disproofs of Aryan supremacy.

Rush gets all "Blacky gets credit for nothing" on a beer and buffalo-wing numbed Sunday viewership, then claims there was nothing racist about claiming a blatant media bias toward black quarterbacks. Later on his radio show for the brain impaired, he claims victory over the "feminazis" and uses his ouster as proof of their pervasive agenda. Let us take great comfort however, that his only foray into mainstream media quickly revealed his hateful agenda, so outrageous that even sportsfans took umbrage. And the Rush troubles are just beginning. New allegations have Rush illegally buying thousands of pain-killers, including OxyContin, aka time release Morphine. Tawdry...

Then, all Arnold's gropees from the mid 80s come out of the woodwork claiming his brazen womanizing was beyond mere aggressiveness. An interview from the same period resurfaces in which Arnold is said to attribute good things to the object of his father's sycophancy, the evilest dude in the 20th century. The former accusation sees him capitulating and trying to get ahead of that boulder. The second accusation finds him alternating between denial and the Reagan pre-Altzheimer's defense. Something tells me the outrageousness of the 'dolf claim will push voters into his skull crushing arms.

As Tuesday looms, more women are coming out and providing detailed accounts of sexual assault on movie sets, while Arnold can only produce studio eye-witnesses who swear they saw Arnold when he was not assaulting anybody. His strategy of apology for steroid-induced indiscretion is now morphing into denial. With a rushed "election" such as this one, it's not surprising that allegations are surfacing which will not be fully vetted before the confused voters will start pulling levers.

Clinton Comparison Disclaimers: Yeah, we're hearing FoxNewsers' accusations of liberal hypocrasy. "How come it's okay for Bill Clinton, but not for Arnold?" There's a significant difference in welcome vs. unwelcome sexual advances. Outside of the flimsy Paula Jones accusations (which reek of early-retirement-via-lawsuit), Bill was never accused to making advances on the unwilling. Call him a sexual pervert if you will, but that is different from a serial sexual assaulter.

Let it be known that the Crap Sickened Pundit welcomes Republican rule of the once-Golden state of hamstrung taxation and shameless expectation of citizen services. After all, it was through Republican-led propositions that California got itself into the mess of deeply constraining all forms of governmental revenue, without a corresponding broad slashing of state infrastructure. Let the GOP deal with this horrible mess of their own making.

Sadly, Bush is leading the nation down a similar path of fantasy financing in which he seeks to write massive checks from one side of the checkbook, while starving deposits on the other. Recent estimates project that current spending and revenues will find a 2013 deficit of $120,000 for every man woman and child in America, assuming a ridiculously generous 5% annual rate of economic growth.

I guess some unlucky Democrats will have to address that in 2005.

U.N. not Biting
Bush just doesn't get it. He still thinks the bluster and bombast that worked so well to start a war will work to demand others clean up his mess. His new and only slightly softened U.N. resolution hasn't even raised an eyebrow in the security council.

His speeches to the U.N. are obviously designed to impress American voters through his wanton alienation of effeminent Europe. Problem is, Americans still have this figure of eighty seven million dollars ringing in their ears. They are figuring out that without alienating Europe, we could have paid a fraction of that if at all which is what the first President Bush did. God, I can't believe we're holding him up as some kind of exemplar.

But, looking smug and all commanderly is more important that trying not to bankrupt America...

Hey George, How's that AIDS in Africa Thing Going?
Remember way back when in January when Georgie did his once a year State-of-the-Here's-Who-We're-Gonna-Invade-This-Year speech? Yeah, amid his frothing run up for some hot war action, he threw a couple of apparent bones to the libs. There was the hydrogen vehicle thing, whose tree-huggery turned out to be a sham, as the hydrogen would be produced through conversion of fossil fuels, thus ensuring America's reliance on Bush's petrochemical patronage for decades.

Then, Bush promised fifteen billion (roughly three and a half months in Iraq) bigguns to fight AIDS in Africa. "Take THAT!" the conservatives blustered, for who could argue against such a globally magnanimous gesture of conservative compassion?

Well, it's over nine months later and perhaps time to check in on how Africa is faring with AIDS. Turns out that Congress passes the budget and appropriations of money to fight AIDS in Africa, or spotted owls in Oregon. In turn, this typically requires the Executive leadership to exert their presumably weighty influence to make good on fluffy promises made in public speeches. Since our prez is the same color as Congress, this should be a breeze.

Whoops! As it happens, Bush hasn't done jack squat beyond the State of the Union lip service. No requests to Congress, informal or otherwise, to help relieve the rampant spread of AIDS through Africa, which is destroying cultures across the continent.

The ultimate tragedy is that poor African nations actually fell for it and keep holding out that the American President really gives a damn. And while they're dying, most Americans actually still believe that we're doing something about it.

Sick of this Crap Staff (yes, the links really work!):

Interns: , ,

  Crap Archives
  Legal Disclaimer: All information on this site has been carefully considered as to its inflammatory value against the backdrop of the prevailing standards of cultural depravity. Research is spotty at best. The resulting verbiage, though dead-on and wickedly insightful (not to mention inciteful) should be considered pure satire, if for no other reason than to deflect lawsuits.