u p  d a t e d  w e e k l y !

Chronicling the new Empire of America, the uber-Bully.

7 July 2003

Turd of the Week

"There are some who feel like the conditions are such that they can attack us there (Iraq). My answer is, 'bring them on!'"
Court annointed President Bush, auditioning for Terminator 4

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Civilian casualties update
This data is an accounting of civilian deaths in Iraq to date.
See Iraqbodycount.net for statistical methodologies


Sponsors:


Growing fat off juicy Iraqi rebuildin' contracts. Did you know the bin Laden group is one of our top investors?


screw all the other stockholders, we're cashing out!


Hey, what do you know? We make money from American militarily screwed up countries in the Middle East!


We're already negotiating with the “new Iraqi democracy” for oil rights!


Selling weapons all over the globe to ensure civilian death and instability which in turn ensures a strong market for years and years...

 

Going Strong in Iraq
Well proud Americans, things are going great in Iraq, we're told. Freedom is spreading from rubble pile to limbless orphan faster than monkeypox in an Prarie Dog puppy mill. Sure there are few disgruntled types, turban'ed Tim McVeighs if you will, who remain brainwashed by the evil evil evil Hitler evil Hussein whose baseness extended into tricking us into believing he had WMD, which of course he did in at least a conceptual sense, which we'll soon find and parade across Fox"News" as we catch our breath before the imminent SyIrania freedom exportation.

Everything screwed up in Iraq is Saddam's fault. Let's just establish that right up front. He's still alive (How dare he live through our bombardments, the base coward!) and directing the resistance from under a camoflagued burka, using his Vulcan mind-warp powers that were definitely not taught to him by Donald Rumsfeld in 1988. The evidence for this brainwashing is simple: What sand-dwelling oil-hogging camel dingleberry would voluntarily resist the lure of American style (special export formula) freedom?

To the parents of the American soldiers who are either being blown to bits in surprise attacks, or shooting pre-emptively into crowds of possible surprise attackers, rest assured that your sons' and daughters' dying and/or killing are moving the world toward a vision of utopian bliss in which the whole remaining world can join hands and worship the lingering freedom-concepts as defined by the corporate sponsorship of the Bush White House Inc.

Being the world's uber-power is not always a glorious task. Nay, there are times where we face criticism from those who question our motives as well as our means. Rest assured those who doubt our divine supremacy will be flushed out, exposed as the freedom haters they are and will be subject to the most cruel tortures allowable within the ever growing allowances granted to the Freedom of Government Act.

Praise be to the brave soldiers who are dying and killing in the name of corporate interests and hideously lopsided taxcuts, for their contributions to this great nation must come in the form of human fodder for the advance of wealth imbalance and the accumulation of power to the very few.

Amen.

Poor Naive Liberia
Beset with myriad internal power struggles and attendent cholera, refugee and opportunistic neighbor challenges, Liberia is looking to the liberator of the Iraqi peoples to end the chaos. If you weren't sleeping in world history class, you may recall that Liberia was founded by freed slaves, who named their capital "Monrovia" after James Monroe and christened their nation with a moniker derived from "Liberty."

President Charles Taylor, who endorses sneakers for the Converse company when he isn't directing mass murder and exporting violence throughout Western Africa, is the subject of an Africa/U.N. witchhunt. In this case, the witch is real. Efforts to arrest him and subject him to answer to his victims' families is but the first step in restoring order to Liberia.

But good ol' Kofi Annan is taking America at its word, conveniently ignoring the horrific mess we have made of Afghanistan and Iraq in the name of "liberation." One can't tell if he is naive to ask Bush for help, or actually just shrewdly calling his bluff. Either way it seems terribly ironic that an oilless nation without real or contrived ties to American-felt terror would receive any American attention. Nonetheless, Bush is heading to Africa (get ready for some primo Bush gaffe quotes from that visit, folks!) this week and may well use the opportunity to pretend to be the nation-builder he promised he would never become.

Things will get ugly very quickly for Georgie as many of the armed combatants in Liberia are children. Is America ready for images of our soldiers shooting children? Of course not, so Clearchannel will offer a retrospective on the laudable career of Buddy Hackett instead.

Meanwhile, tens of millions of Africans slaughtered in political violence get pushed off the newspapers by accounts of fruitless Anthrax-pond inspections.

Wal-Mart Extends Abusive Labor Practices to Gays
In the pink afterglow of the Supreme Court's decision to ban the funhole police, America is atitter with gay fever! Now even evil corporate juggernauts like Wal-Mart are extending their non-discrimination policies to include sexual orientation.

So the my-God-wants-your-lifestyle-criminalized boycotters are retreating deeper into the woodwork, buying gas from Exxon (the last of the top 10 US corporations to condone gay discrimination, having purged gay protections and partner benefits from Mobil's corporate philosophies upon merger) and doing bargain shopping online through strictlyhetero.com.

Now Wal-Mart is in the vanguard by allowing gays to work unpaid overtime, live without any health insurance, work in the "adverse-risk" pool of worker compensation, be subjected to repeated violations of the National Labor Relations Act, and work in violation of U.N. standards of human and labor rights.

But don't worry. This decision is likely to have little actual impact, as the aesthetics of your typical Wal-Mart are offensive to anyone with a modicum of good taste.

Jobless Rate Hits Nine Year High, Bush Responds by Slashing Overtime Pay
Yep, that's the highest rate since Bill Clinton stoked the economy. Oh wait, my Republican friends tell me that was just the delayed effect of the Lincoln economic plan.

Whatever... May saw an additional job loss of 30,000. Hey George, you're running out of wiggle room for the economic rebound surge into the election. But fear not, work and wage wonks, for the Rhinestone Cowboy has economic stimulus in his package. His regime is rewriting major sections of the Fair Labor Practices Act (you know, the laws that provide hourly workers with overtime pay?) to reclassify millions of workers as administrative. This will exempt them from overtime pay, allowing employers to work their workers 12 hours a day, just like in America's glory days of the late 19th century when we were an industrial powerhouse and didn't have a bunch of sissies whining about industrial accidents and child labor.

So, the ever-shrinking pool of the employed will now be able to be ridden harder and harder, further decreasing incentives for employers to hire new workers. The fixed costs of adding a new worker (benefits, surveillance equipment, etc...) will be avoided as Barons of Industry squeeze more sweat out of their chattel.

But remember folks, as stated by Tammy McCutchen, the Labor Department's wage and hour administrator, "By recognizing the professional status of skilled employees, the proposed regulation will provide them a guaranteed salary and flexible hours."

Bush finds a way to screw the employed and the unemployed all in one sweep of the pen. Ka-Ching!

Happy Birthday America!
Well, we're coming up on the third 4th of July of the Bush Imperial Reign, the second since America gave the administration permission to create, exaggerate and prey on our fears, rob us of our basic human rights, and earn the world's hatred. So, it's time to celebrate!

Break out the frankenburgers, Crank up the Hummer, dust off the Ayatollah Assaholla t-Shirt and start blaring the xenophobic hate-based country tunes, 'cause we're proud of our flag, eagle and other icons of what-ever-it-is-the-commercials-say-we-stand-for.

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  Legal Disclaimer: All information on this site has been carefully considered as to its inflammatory value against the backdrop of the prevailing standards of cultural depravity. Research is spotty at best. The resulting verbiage, though dead-on and wickedly insightful (not to mention inciteful) should be considered pure satire, if for no other reason than to deflect lawsuits.