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The Last Bastion of America's Liberal Media

8 Sep 2003

Turd of the Week

George W. Bush, your Sunday night speech was certainly nauseating, but perhaps the ultimate poop-justifying quote was "we cannot let past differences interfere with present duties," regarding Old Europe's involvement in bailing our failing asses out.

Blabbering Bush Head

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Iraq War Cost
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Civilian casualties update
This data is an accounting of civilian deaths in Iraq to date.
See Iraqbodycount.net for statistical methodologies


Growing fat off juicy Iraqi rebuildin' contracts. Did you know the bin Laden group is one of our top investors?

screw all the other stockholders, we're cashing out!

Hey, what do you know? We make money from American militarily screwed up countries in the Middle East!

We're already negotiating with the “new Iraqi democracy” for oil rights!

Selling weapons all over the globe to ensure civilian death and instability which in turn ensures a strong market for years and years...



Hey Irrelevant Pan-Continental Organization! We Want You Back!
You'd think after the unforgivable berating Bush gave the United Nations, the Rhinestone Cowboy could grovel a little bit when asking for a bailout. But he didn't earn them rhinestones kissin' nobody's ass! Nope. This is not any sign of weakness, that we don't have the moral courage to finish the task we only started by war. It is not capitulation that unilateralism by definition saps the global support needed for occupational legitimacy. And it is by no means an admission that we don't have a clue what to do to stem the tide of Iraqi resistance aided by Arabic instigators.

No, ain't no plea for help. It is an indication that our plan is maturing, working if you will, and that this just means that we're ready to move to phase 2, Operation Dump-Patriot-Eagle-Mess-into-Lap-of-Others-and-Run-Like-Freedom-Hell-Liberty. Yes, our democratic generosity knows no bounds as we're willing to share the terror fodder responsibilities with others, whose lives are by definition worth less than American lives.

Fear not brave patriots! In a classic outsourcing move, we seek to retain ultimate military control over the car bomb targe... I mean, the multilateral force. Rest assured, from the air-conditioned leather-seated bunker compound (with bitchin' surround sound stereo and digital plasma TV monitors!), Americans will direct the dirty little forces of other nations as we shift them from one seething cesspool of interventionist resentment to the next.

Next comes the little matter of coercing Germany, France, and Russia, members of the U.N. Security Council to sigh on to the plan. As it stands, these key players are resistant to the terms of America's plea for bailout. And Kofi, lest you and your buddies get any crazy ideas of putting conditions on your involvement... Well, we can whip up a batch of playing cards with your independent-minded mug as the Ace of Spades.

Oh, and by the way, we'll need another $60,000,000,000 to $80,000,000,000

Dear Congress,

I don't know if you remember that war thing in Iraq, where you granted me the ability to arbitrarily wage war on whatever I feel like as long as I call it terrorism and wrap myself in the flag, but in case you missed the news, I ought to tell you I went ahead and rained death and destruction on the people of Iraq. You may recall some of the scary details of my justification, but rather than get all hung up on who claimed whom had weapons of mass whatever, let's just deal with the situation at hand.

In a nutshell, our strategy is working with laser precision. Our prime targets, Usay and Umay have been killed (I've got some pictures on my website www.georgiefighterpilot.net) and the iron-fisted order imposed on Iraq has been lifted. No more are the Iraqi peoples constrained into shallow lives enslaved by electricity and clean water. Never again will religious and ethnic hatreds be cruelly suppressed by the iron fist of a madman. As predicted, the people have welcomed us with loaded... I mean open, arms.

The happy dominos are falling all across the planet. North Korea is so scared of us, they're trying to build a nuke army to protect themselves (as if!). France, our mortal enemy, is now economically crippled by a cheese-packer strike. The whole thing is just going boffo.

I was wondering however, if you might be able to turn over a few congressional sofa cushions and maybe, spare... I don't know... sixty, maybe eighty billion, tops, until we get back on our feet. Not that we aren't in good shape, just to kind of keep things copacetic.

Please, let's not let money get in the way of our cozy little Republican dominance of the world. It's so ugly to carry on about cold numbers when the warmth of our bombs are keeping America respected and revered around the world.

Anyway, this presidency thing is pretty neat, but I gotta tell ya', it can be real tiring! Some days they work me so hard, I miss my Walker, Texas Ranger reruns. Thank you Jesus for DVDs and my Secret Service guy who has figured out the remote control.

Your President,


P.S. Please don't forget about the money.

93,000 Down
So how is it that America loses 93,000 jobs last month and yet the unemployment figures show a slight improvement? Well, crap-sickened friends, welcome to the absurd world of gobmint statistics. The modest diminution of unemployment figures is due to people dropping out of the job market. Yep, they just plain gave up looking.

Consider that America has the following under Bush:

  • a loss of over 2,500,000 million jobs net
  • a push of tens of thousands out of job seeking altogether
  • traded a surplus federal budget into one pushing a trillion dollars in debt
  • the migration of millions of high wage earners into low wage jobs

Bush is a walking economic disaster. The numbers reveal that the only persons benefiting economically under his policies are the very rich with some table scraps for homeowners refinancing.

His policies of unilateral armageddon wreakage have costs far beyond the global alienation of affection. We are now left holding the tab for our foreign policy arrogance, which has a direct impact on our economy, stupid.

Now we're told by Bush that his policies have significantly blunted the otherwise disastrous impact of the recession, which by the way ended a year and a half ago.

Capitulation On North Korea
Wait a Minute! What happened? I thought North Korea was supposed to be in such shock and awe of our military prowess in Iraq, that we just tell them to disarm and they start eating weapons grade plutonium by the fistfuls. Could it be that the one track strategy of bullying is a size that doesn't fit all? As it turns out, it seems it doesn't fit Iraq, Afghanistan or anywhere else for that matter.

But now we see the Bushies changing Pyongyang course from the bellicose "disarm totally before we talk about anything" to a more pragmatic staged approach of de-escalation. Shouldn't SOTC.com be happy about this? Well, yes, this is a welcome change on a number of fronts. First of all, pragmatism should always trump media imagery when it comes to international relations, a lesson that has heretofore escaped the Bush team from the "Axis of Evil" quote to the Fighter Pilot on the Carrier. What appeals to Joe and Cindy Sixpack is pretty much irrelevant in the global scene.

Secondly, despite the spin doctoring coming out of Washington, it is clear that huge heaping helpings of crow cachiatore are being served and slurped up at 1600 Pennsylvania Ave. A change in course this radical is a sure sign that some of the dim bulbs in the Bush posse have a shred of filament left in them.

Lastly, it pulls the rug out from under the far right war-raging proponents of global terror as an instrument of American hegemony. From Rummy to Krauthammer to Limbaugh, the testosterone driven will be seething that their warlord is looking for an out to complex problems they feel can only be solved through greater waves of American violence. This might be a good week to twist the AM dial and here the piggies squirm.

New Voting Machine Technologies! A Robotic Katherine Harris?
With all the discussion about Florida's voting debacle last Prez election, you'd expect a big move afoot to automate things. Of course, given the Herculean effort the Grand Old Party had to expend in order to steal the election, they are looking at more efficient ways to tip the scales for future votes. Enter the two leading vendors of electronic voting technology - Diebold and Populex.

Diebold's CEO, Walden O'Dell is a leading fund-raiser for Bush's re-election campaign. He's hosted fund raisers at his house (a cool half a mil' for Bush). Cheney and Bush have given him lots of individual attention. At a recent fundraiser he declared that he is "committed to helping Ohio deliver its electoral votes to the president next year." Gee, what does he mean by that?

On the other side of things, Populex's board of directors includes Robert Carlucci, the CEO emeritus of the Carlyle Group, aka "The Ex-President's Club" which is chock full of GOP longtimers, including Poppy Bush and James "Election Thief" Baker.

So what? Lots of stuffed suits pull to the right, to protect themselves from the evil welfare supporting, business bashing lubrals who seek to enslave the bourgeois and they install Kim Jong Dean as imperial voice of God.

Well, as it happens, the technologies employed in these alleged state of the art voting counting devices are designed to allow vote tally manipulation and mid-vote cycle tallying, both activities of which are illegal in all American voting precincts. You'd think the machines would be designed around the voting laws designed to prevent such manipulations. E.g., the software wouldn't accommodate mid-vote subtotalling, and tally alteration could only be achieved through the front-end (i.e., voter behavior).

Brace yourself America. If the Bushies can't buy a second term, perhaps their buddies can give 'em a little boost.

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