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Chronicling the new Empire of America, the uber-Bully.

9 June 2003

Turd of the Week

John Ashcroft, Come on down! By responding to your own investigative body's condemning findings with a call for new levels of human rights abrogation, you're this week's recipient of the glistening corn-and-peanut-infused steamy cable.

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Civilian casualties update
This data is an accounting of civilian deaths in Iraq to date.
See Iraqbodycount.net for statistical methodologies


Sponsors:


Growing fat off juicy Iraqi rebuildin' contracts. Did you know the bin Laden group is one of our top investors?


screw all the other stockholders, we're cashing out!


Hey, what do you know? We make money from American militarily screwed up countries in the Middle East!


We're already negotiating with the “new Iraqi democracy” for oil rights!


Selling weapons all over the globe to ensure civilian death and instability which in turn ensures a strong market for years and years...

 

Breaking News! - Bush Vows to "Reveal the Truth"
In a startling turnaround in global events, GWBush announced to American forces that "We're on the look. We'll reveal the truth." Analysts are all but speechless at this radical shift in presidential methods. Even yours truly, the Crap Sickened Pundit, is not sure how quickly we in the skeptical media can adjust to this new direction.

A quick search of his executive staff yields no expertise on truth telling. Thus, Bush will begin a campaign searching for the rare commodity, upon which he can receive extensive counsel, albeit with Wolfowitz's "bureaucratic emphasis" for good measure.

Cruel and Unusual Detainment
Instructed by John "Seething" Ashcroft to use “every available law enforcement tool” (note the exclusion of modifiers such as "legal" or "constitutionally sanctioned") to deal with terrorists, suspected terrorist and guys whose names sound terroristy, the FBI and INS have spent the past 22 months depriving aliens and citizens of rights previously afforded humans within American borders. With public acquiescence under the rubric of "constitutional freedoms are only for when things are running smoothly," the Bush Regime circumvented the Constitution, the Geneva conventions on war criminals and basic human decency by inventing their own designation for these people, "enemy combatants." By creating a new category, they believed they were able to write all new rules, unconstrained by the institutional instruments of individual rights. But there is an interesting new source of dissent...

The Department of Justice's own Office of Inspector General has completed its report analyzing detainment methods used by its sanctioning organization, the Justice Department. The findings are not pretty.

The report indicates that the FBI instituted detainment methods, including a blanket "no bond" policy and a lengthy holding process without charges, that the INS found impossible to defend under prevailing legal guidelines. The FBI's detainment center practiced a policy of misinforming families of the whereabouts of their detained husbands/fathers. There was a consistent pattern of verbal and physical abuse from corrections officers toward the unarrested, uncharged detainees. There were restrictive and inconsistent policies on telephone access for detainees prevented them from obtaining legal counsel in a timely manner.

Sure, Bush fans will pooh-pooh these reports with rationale such as "That's better than they deserved compared to what they did to our country!" or "They should spend time in one of Saddam's torture chambers!" or various other defenses which seek to drastically lower the bar of human rights that America once held high as exemplars, while assuming guilt to anyone detained.

It should also be noted that these findings, which are quite critical in their tone, are issued from the Justice Department's own watchdog group, not some bunch of crackpot liberal conspiracy theorists, such as our own Crap Sickened Pundit.

Spaketh Barbara Comstock, Justice Department spokeswoman: "The Inspector General report is fully consistent with what courts have ruled over and over -- that our actions are fully within the law and necessary to protect the American people. . . . We make no apologies for finding every legal way possible to protect the American public from further terrorist attacks."

Huh?

Why even bother with an Inspector General, if the office's findings will be so soundly ignored?

Now the Croftster is demanding harsher penalties on terrorists, including, we can only surmise, a series of executions and revivements so that terrorists can be repeatedly put to death.

So Fucked Up, It's Probably Going to Happen...
Get this: Evangelical Christian groups are lobbying the Dept. of Homeland Security for a temporary exemption of the no-fly zone rules over Disneyworld, so they can fly planes pulling banners with messages evangelizing the redemptive perversion-healing power of Christ to all the homosexuals in the park during Disney's annual Gay Day.

Martha Stewart and Dubya
So, Ashcroft is taking down the most symbol of American female sanctioned compulsiveness, Martha Stewart, Inc. I'll leave the prison cell potpourri jokes to less discriminating sites (is there such a thing?), but the facts suggest that Martha is an amateur compared to the Harken energy scandals that earned W and cohorts millions.

Don't get me wrong. I get smug satisfaction imagining the irony of Martha locked up, even if it will be white collar jail where lobster is withheld for a week if they catch you smuggling Manolo Blanic shoes. As with most guys of my demographic, I find Ms. Stewart to be a frightening caricature of the impossible to please uber-she-wasp and take comfort of her being taken out of the babe-pool.

But back to Bush...

As executive insider, the investment guru made a cool $848,000 in stock profits just a few weeks before Harken publicly announced a $23.2 million loss for the second quarter of 1990. In a brazen breach of insider trading laws, the innocent victim of a smear campaign didn't file the legally mandated paperwork to the SEC until it caught up with him, at which point he submitted the paperwork undated. The SEC, whose head was appointed by his Dad, investigated and determined there was inconclusive evidence to proceed with an indictment. The investigation was headed by the SEC's head legal counsel James R. Doty, who never interviewed any of the Harken executives and in an unbelievable coincidence was GWB's lawyer in his "purchase" of the Texas Rangers.

Bush claims ignorance, a highly plausible excuse in most cases, of the corporate losses that followed his stock dump. However, creditors were threatening to initiate foreclosure proceedings on Harken if past debts were not paid. Documents on file with the SEC, but never brought into the non-investigation assert that Bush was continually in the loop on Harken's deteriorating financial situation.

He was never exonerated of insider trading, but the twist here is that by leaving the case open, all documents remain inaccessible. Were there an actual exoneration, the documents would become public record.

Further suspicious dealing include an unexplainable contract by the government of Bahrain to Harken, utterly inexperienced in overseas exploration, for exploration. Shortly after this award, Bush the elder gives Bahrain a military base deal worth billions.

Loans of nearly a quarter of a million dollars were given to Bush by Harken, to buy Harken stock. Ultimately, Harken rewrote the terms of the loans so they were forgiven. This should mean he would be taxed on that quarter of a million dollars as income. Bush refuses to publicly release his income tax forms for these years, which has been standard practice for politicians for decades, which would go a long way to demonstrating his clean dealings.

Martha is a mere amateur, playing off insider advice for mid five figures. Bush, has friends in high places including federal investigatory bodies, corporate benefactors and countless cronies who can shore up his business deals and not rat him out.

Canadabis to Get Sanctioned, eh?
Ahh, there's nothing quite like the sanctimoniousness of a reformed sinner. The coke-tootinest, drunk-drivingest party animal to occupy the white house since William Henry Harrison (man, that guy was an animal!) has taken umbrage at Canada's new lax marijuana possession laws in which Cannuks are not subject to the full force of American type uber-justice which takes potheads and imprisons them with violent sociopaths in order to address the nation-rending shortage of Doritos Nacho Cheese chips and the cultural erosion of excessive giggling. So, the rhinestone cowboy is threatening Canada with increased border crossing hassles and import taxes on Canada Dry ginger ale (it's cool, the twins drink "Purple Jesuses").

Yep, stoned Canadians whose lives have not been ripped apart by a vindictive punitive system - that's a problem we need Bush to solve!

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  Legal Disclaimer: All information on this site has been carefully considered as to its inflammatory value against the backdrop of the prevailing standards of cultural depravity. Research is spotty at best. The resulting verbiage, though dead-on and wickedly insightful (not to mention inciteful) should be considered pure satire, if for no other reason than to deflect lawsuits.