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The Last Bastion of America's Liberal Media

11 Aug 2003

Turd of the Week

Ahnold, your entry into the polical circus is so clearly driven by your agent to forestall the inevitable career death throes that face action heros in their 50's.

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Civilian casualties update
This data is an accounting of civilian deaths in Iraq to date.
See Iraqbodycount.net for statistical methodologies


Sponsors:


Growing fat off juicy Iraqi rebuildin' contracts. Did you know the bin Laden group is one of our top investors?


screw all the other stockholders, we're cashing out!


Hey, what do you know? We make money from American militarily screwed up countries in the Middle East!


We're already negotiating with the “new Iraqi democracy” for oil rights!


Selling weapons all over the globe to ensure civilian death and instability which in turn ensures a strong market for years and years...

 

Repeat After Me: "At Least I Don't Live in California!"
What do you do if you are a state, billions of dollars in the red due to decades of property tax ceilings, massive investment of meager state endowment in corrupt energy stocks, and the bottom falling out of the dot com economy? Well, of course, you spend $67,000,000 you don't have to let a musclebound robotic killing machine from the homeland of the Third Reich, a twice convicted car thief, a gimp porn magnate, a porn start past her expiration date, a Libertarian smokers' rights cigarette retailer, a medical marijuana activist, Father Guido Sarducci, a retired boxer, and a midget has-been TV star fight over the 15% majority needed to steal back the governor's mansion!

If California sets the trends for the rest of the nation to follow, the other 49 states better start putting major hallucinigenics in their water supplies. Democratic Governor Gray Davis, whose most heinous crime is possessing the charisma of wet cardboard, is the latest victim of Republican election purloinery. His term had barely begun, but the Roving bands of democracy destroyers must gobble everything in their path and Davis just so happens to be on the appetizer tray before the 2004 main entree.

Politically, the weirdest thing is that you get the sense no one really hates or loves Davis. The Dems see him as a hapless chump who inherited a mess and doesn't have the communication skills to at least explain it all to the populace. The GOP, on the other hand seems much more hellbent on grabbing power than on ridding California of some evil cancer. Oh sure, they have vague indictments of how bad things are and he's got his hand on the broken steering wheel, but you don't hear the same invective as you would for a Clinton or Kennedy.

But let's not analyze this deeper than it needs to be folks. Look for Jerry Springer to moderate the debates as Arnold kicks Larry Flynn out of his wheelchair, crushing Gary Coleman to death. That is, after all, the future of American politics.

Oh, My Bad. I Thought You Said Secretary of "Hate"
With Neo-con leaked rumors of Colin Powell's mid-dynasty retirement, the Neo-Cons are floating names around to name the leader ofAmerica's interactions with the rest of the world. Fitting then, that the most frequently named name is the name of none other than SOTC.com's public enemy number 17, Paul Wolfowitz. It seems appropriate that America, whose foreign policy is either military anihilation (Afghanistan 2002, Iraq spring 2003, the middle class) or complete indifference (Afghanistan 2003, Iraq summer 2003, Africa, Asia, the poor), would have one of the prime architects of America, the World's Pimp as its Secretary of State.

Wolfie, nearly as brilliant as he is evil, would bring a sinister cynicism to the job that would finally seal off the gaps in team Bush's veneer of moral certainty of purpose. Without Powell's occasional nagging doubts, the neo-cons will be able to move forward undeterred by the barnacles of conscience.

Typical of the neo-con ruthlessness, the rumors point to Alma Powell as the source of Colin's discontent. All in line with a "Blame it on the Bitch" boys' clubbery.

Rest assured, precious readership, there will be no diminution of diversity within the Lilly White House leadership. The mindset will become even more homogenous, the wagons circled even tighter.

A Little Politico-Corporate Infighting?
The Bush administration is recognized across the spectrum as effective in their lack of infighting and their unity of purpose. Pretty much everyone is on board the evil agenda. Dissenters like Powell are given body-snatching pods which replace their human bodies with identical Bush-bots, spouting the party line with the slightest hint of intellectual agony.

So it is extra delicious to see that one of the official sponsors of Operation democracy-up-the-ass, Bechtel is publicly accusing another offical sponsor, Halliburton of monopolizing the Iraqi oil market. But the accusations don't stop in the boardroom. Nope, the Army Corps of Engineers, who sets the bidding terms (should the contract be put out to bid, which hasn't been done often with Iraq rebuilding) and awards the contracts, has carefully written the terms of the job to effectively exclude non-Halliburton competitors.

Included in the preferential wording are timelines only attainable by providers who have a significant infrastructure in place. Readers will note that only Halliburton has in such an infrastructure in place, having been previously awarded the initial clean-up contracts without the nuisance of an open bidding process. Further, astute readers will remember SOTC.com ran a story on May 12th called Bush does something that doesn't suck (ironic in retrospect!), in which Bush cut the legs out from under the Army Corps of Engineers. Turns out his real goal was to staff the Corps with lackeys who would dole out the bazillions of American taxless dollars to his corporate cronies.

It's not Napalm!
Napalm, used extensively in Vietnam to immolate any persons, animals, fauna, etc... foolish enough to be under the shadows of the airborne dispersers, is made of gasoline and benzine. It is sprayed on victims and lit ablaze, ensuring the target is covered with sticky flaming goo which incinerates the victim in almost certain death, or at least a lifetime of incapacity and pain.

Not in Iraq! No, they use Mark 77 firebombs, which use kerosene-based jet fuel, plus smaller quantities of benzine than is typical in Napalm. Don't worry Jane's Defense Weekly readers! it too coats victims with a flaming goo which incinerates the victim in almost certain death, or at least lifetime incapacity and pain.

...but it's not Napalm, a registered trademark of Dow Chemical, the makers of those cute little scrubbing bubble guys in your bathtub.

Afghanistan - Yesterday's News
Yeah, I know, I can be like the old guy in the bar reminiscing on the '69 Superbowl, "Man that Broadway Joe was something, eh?" Afghanistan is way off the American attention span these days, and by middle American assessments it is finished, Democracy reigns and all the evil bearded dudes are rotting in cement cells in Gitmo.

Just keep watching American Idle, my friend.

With the US attention so firmly fixed on parading Moustache's soon-to-be-severed head around the middle east, windows of opportunity in Afghanistan have slammed shut for democracy and even stability. The American resource drain from Talibanistan has been huge. Now, America is resorting to contracting out peacekeeping to local warlords, many of whom are former (whatever former means in this context)... get this... Taliban!

And while some 183,000 US troops are in Iraq getting shot at and blown up, guess how many American troops are in Afghanistan? Give up? 8,500. That's less than half a percent of the Iraq deployment. The invasion and killing part sure is fun and sexy, but that messy cleanup stuff? Booooring!

You'd think with a sociopathic trigger happy cowboy at the helm, you'd at least get something done with your overwhelming carpet bombing and Napal... I mean Mark 77 firebombing. Across the middle east, it sounds more and more like our primary accomplishment is the further alienation of middle easterners, while the badasses we are supposed to be unseating are sneaking back into the picture ON OUR PAYROLL.

Amazing.

Why Ain't Saddam Caught Yet?
With 38 cards of the deck put into body bags, sons in pieces, daughters in Jordan, stoolies sprouting like chiggers after a summer rain, you'd think Saddam was on the verge of getting caught. Republicans are salivating at the prospect, believing that it will dash any hopes of Democratic candidacy in 2004 (huh??!?), as well as assuming that his capture will cause Glinda the Good Witch to summon all the happy Iraqi munchkins out of the desert where they will join hands with America, drink a Coke and start working on rebuilding America East.

I too am bracing myself for pictures of the disfigured corpse bits of Moustache stuck on the media pike for all to see. Sure, some will somehow see it as proof there are WMD, Niger yellowcake, Al Q'aeda all wrapped into one (or seventeen) bloody photograph, but there's got to be a nagging fear among the neo-cons that perhaps the resistance to Operation Democracy-up-your-ass will persist. Some Iraqis are even insisting the resistance will increase, as Iraqis currently don't want to be seen as responding to the evil Saddam's call to arms.

I predict he will be killed within 6 weeks (Damn, where's that Pentagon gambling site?) in a gruesome last stand, thus proving to absurdists the moral justification of the thousands of Iraqis killed in his pursuit. At that point, it will be critical for the Bushies to turn our attention to other concerns, much as they have done in Afghanistan.

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