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The Last Bastion of America's Liberal Media

12 Jan, 2004

Turd of the Week

Spaceman Bush, your ridiculous foray into space proves stark evidence that you have totally lost all connection to reality. You know, we didn't really need any more ammunition, and you keep serving more up...


Blabbering Bush Head

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Iraq War Cost
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Civilian casualties update
This data is an accounting of civilian deaths in Iraq to date.
See Iraqbodycount.net for statistical methodologies



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Growing fat off juicy Iraqi rebuildin' contracts. Did you know the bin Laden group is one of our top investors?


screw all the other stockholders, we're cashing out!


Hey, what do you know? We make money from American militarily screwed up countries in the Middle East!


We're already negotiating with the “new Iraqi democracy” for oil rights!


Selling weapons all over the globe to ensure civilian death and instability which in turn ensures a strong market for years and years...

 

 

To the Moon Alice! To the Moon!
A trillion dollars in debt? Embroiled in two wars with no end in sight? Deeply in hock with other promises of vast social spending that is unfulfilled? Only one thing to do:

Put a manned (sorry ladies!) base on the moon and send humans to Mars.

As a guy who likes to dress up in a spacesuit, Bush certainly has some groovy ideas on how spend unlimited trillions on dubious pipedreams. I mean, all us baby-boomer dudes were and continue to be fascinated with space flight and the conquest of other worlds. But when you look at what manned (sorry, ladies!) space flight costs and buys you, as compared to unmanned exploration, it's just ludicrous.

This guy thinks money just pours out of his magical ass or something. Sure, if you have a few hundred billion lying around and all your basic domestic and global needs are met, make a freaking rocket and send some dudes up for the ultimate photo-op! Hell, you can even go up yourself with a sweet Karl Rove backdrop of, say, Mission Frivolous Accomplished.

Last time I checked however, we were looking at a few trillion in debt, a health care crisis, two open ended wars, promises to actually do something about AIDS in Africa, education in the US and other warm and fuzzy policies (don't worry taxpayers, the compassion stuff is just lip service). Now he wants to get to Mars before Al Qaeda does?

Clarification on Last Week's TOW
I know that Howie Dean captured the turd-brown bold faced font last week, even though the slimy slight was intended for the whole field of Dems. Perhaps that emphasis was unduly harsh, as it was meant to excoriate the whole field of cannibalistic donkeys. Special exemptions to Mosely-Braun who takes special care to emphasize that all the Dems would make far better leaders than the Rhinestone Cowboy and that with the right support, any of them could beat him.

It's time to circle the wagons and stand behind the Bush ousting. That especially means YOU Kerry, Leiberman and Gephardt.

Doodlings of Mass Destruction
The Carnegie Endowment for International Peace (in today's political climate, clearly a bunch of wimp-ass passe lefties with the word "peace" in their name) offered a stinging indictment of the warping of intelligence in the name of warmongering. Their study concluded that Saddam presented no imminent threat to the US, and that the increased bellicose moaning from the Bush White House was based on nothing more than a shift in Political desire, not on any change in intelligence.

The report has the Bushies back-pedaling and defending their now obviously bogus claims. Haven't seen it yet, but I'm expecting a backlash impugning the CEIP. That will be pathetic, as the Endowment is notably non-partisan and world respected for its independence and objectivity.

Just for kicks, here is one of the pieces of evidence retained by David Kay to prove that Iraqi scientists were making plans for weapons of mass destruction:

Scary, ain't it?

Terrorism Threat Lowered from Shitting Cinder Blocks to Shitting Bricks
Hallelujah! Whatever we were supposed to be doing motivated by our sheer terror that we'd get blown to pieces, burned to a crisp, or infected by an evil plague, we can now do slightly less of, but only slightly. So, thanks to Ashcroft detaining citizens arbitrarily, fingerprinting foreigners and patrolling Times Square with AK-47s, we can downgrade our abject fear of imminent annihilation to mid-level oh-my-God-that-guy-over-there-with-a-beard-is-going-to-kill-me.

Thanks Bush for making America a great place to live. If there's anything in particular you'd like us to do to respond to your rainbow alert system, why not give us a freakin' clue?

Trouble in Anarchistan???
Bush War 1, the long-forgotten Replace-Taliban-with-WalMart initiative, is still festering. Karl Rove, Bush's foreign policy decision maker for 2004, has the White House rushing a freeze dried constitution to central Kabul, perhaps the only square mile of that county not crawling with upsurgent resistance. Poor Ahmet Karzai (who despite the pitiful situation America has put him in, is looking sharp as hell!) is trying to bring a country whose only historical uniting has been in expelling infidels into the 21st century.

The transformation of Afghanistan, an adventure that this pundit feels is necessary for the true reduction in terror, is sucking hind teat in the Bush global reshufflement. It is a cruel fantasy to dream of where we'd be if we'd been putting the right resources into stabilizing Afghanistan, ferreting out ObL and his ilk and working along side fellow nations to bring about a transformation that served as a glowing model for other nations pondering fundamentalism vs. modernity.

Now, it seems the fragile situation in Afghanistan is rapidly deteriorating, with attacks on military bases in Khandahar adding to the instability fomented by America's lapse in attention. Of course, with all eyes on Iraq, Karl is shrewdly gambling that nobody gives a damn about an oilless wasteland. With any luck for Bush, the whole thing won't noticeably collapse until after the election. By then, it'll be onward to Syria, Christian Soldiers!

It's going to take strong political will and guts to refocus American interests in Afghanistan, while rebuilding the international alliances necessary to fulfill the promise of the former Taliban romping ground. Too bad Karl won't allow it.

Fingerprinting the Enemy
In order to defeat the enemy, we need to know just who they are. And since Ashcroft and Ridge have identified the enemy as foreigners (and the occasional swarthy citizen), all unAmericans trying to enter or leave the country are leaving no un-inked finger behind. If you've got a Passport that ain't got no eagle on it, there's no time for the overpriced airport cinnabon stand. Nope, get fingerprinted, photographed and documented for the database of evildoers.

Kudos to Brazil, who is retaliating by fingerprinting, photographing and documenting all Americans seeking exit or entry to and from Brazil.

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