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12 May 2003
Chronicling the new Empire of America, the uber-Bully.
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Turd of the Week

With W pulling two acts of non-nefariosity out of his lovehole, I look to Rummy, the stalwart standby, who is spearheading the give-us-at-least-one-year-of-benign-occupation-status-as-a-mere-downpayment campaign

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Bazzilionaires Finally Get Relief!
Well, Bush's watered-down, yet still fiscally disastrous Operation Economic Revivery looks like a fait accompli, thanks to utter capitulation by the brain-endowed members of capital hill.

Look, the Crap Sickened Pundit would like little more than extra coin in the old fanny pack - a little something to Biggie Size that triple bacon cheeseburger with special sauce and fries combo. At a visceral level, I love the idea that I am rescuing the economy by getting more money and spending it frivolously. As long as I ignore the most fundamental logical incongruity of piss-down voodoo economics, I'm down with it!

It doesn't add up, folks. Do we really need a Keynes or Samuelson to explain to us that you can't get something for less than nothing? Unless we get hit with a sucker punch of deflation (which is a prospect both frightening and heretofore improbable), let's all refinance our mortgages before we get hind teat to the government's overwhelming need for cash. If deflation comes, we'll all start hoarding Benjamins at the expense of infusing it back into the economy.

Can somebody try to get a handle on this impending train wreck?

Civilian casualties update
This data is an accounting of civilian deaths in Iraq to date.
See Iraqbodycount.net for statistical methodologies


Sponsors:


Growing fat off juicy Iraqi rebuildin' contracts. Did you know the bin Laden group is one of our top investors?


screw all the other stockholders, we're cashing out!


Hey, what do you know? We make money from American militarily screwed up countries in the Middle East!


We're already negotiating with the “new Iraqi democracy” for oil rights!


Selling weapons all over the globe to ensure civilian death and instability which in turn ensures a strong market for years and years...

 

Halliburton's Role Quietly Expanded
Remember the brief brou-haha about Halliburton-retained-Cheney's White House naming Halliburton the oil cleanup crew of choice without an open bidding process? Well, since there's no apparent conflict of interest there, the Army Corps of Engineers (perhaps pissed at GWB's denial of their pet project funding) has announced that the deal was a tad more expansive than originally divulged. In addition to being able to wipe oil off of the random baby scorpion, Halliburton is being asked to repair and reconstruct damaged facilities, then operate the facilities and distribute the luscious crude oil that has nothing to do with why we invaded, because it's really about the undeniable threat Saddam posed to the USA. ...phew!

According to Lt. Gen Robert Flowers of the Army Corps of Engineers, the contract has "no set time limit and no dollar limit and is apparently structured in such a way as to encourage the contractor to increase its costs and, consequently, the costs to the taxpayer." Here's how it works: The Cheney-led government establishes the scope of work and estimated costs. This is presented to the formerly Cheney-led contractor (who still pays over a million dollars a year to the Cheney-led Cheney for being a swell guy) who then prepares a technical and cost proposal for the Cheney led-government to review.

In a completely unrelated story, Reuters reports "Iraq aims within three weeks to boost output at its oilfields to 1.5 million barrels per day (bpd) from current rates of 200,000 bpd to supply the war-torn country's power and domestic needs, a top Iraqi official said Wednesday." Don't worry citizen hens, the White House fox is guarding your hen-house.

Investigating 9/11
The scathing satirists of our fringe media, of which the crap-sickened pundit considers himself to be on the trailing edge, are beginning to point out uncomfortable issues regarding the investigation of the September 11th terrorist attacks, or put more properly, the lack of any substantive investigation.

After an aborted attempt, rich in irony, to put Henry Kissinger in charge, the Bush Regime, pretty much put the investigation on the back burner, starving it with a tiny budget (less than 10% of what's been dedicated to the recent Shuttle disaster investigation) and focusing its formidable intelligence-gathering prowess on Iraq's weapons of mass deception. SOTC.com wonders the reasoning for this recalcitrance on fact-finding. Is it:

  1. The Bush Regime figures it knows all it needs to know about September 11th?
  2. The Bush Regime figures we'll never know more than we know, so let's just save some bucks for helping rebuild Detroit?
  3. The Bush Regime doesn't want to know about September 11th?
  4. The Bush Regime doesn't want the rest of us to know what they know about September 11th?
  5. We're all being paranoid and this is just another example of Bush's bold budget balancing benevolence?
If the answer is #1, then perhaps the Bush Regime could put forth what it knows in a public forum that would serve as a record of our body of knowledge regarding the tragedy. If the answer is #2, perhaps that same public forum could include the questions we'll never have answers for. If the answer is #3, the perhaps the public should put a little pressure on Bush to put some of his political oomph on investigating what happened, maybe about 00.2% of the Iraq war budget (that would be around $130,000,000.00 for you budget sticklers). If the answer is #4, that's almost too scary to contemplate and perhaps the insane internet conspiracy wackjobs are really on to something. If the answer is #5, let's all stop picking on poor beleaguered Bush and grant him powers to do anything he wants to anyone anytime for anyreason. Oh, wait, we already did that with the Patriot Act.

Bush to UN: Give us $3,000,000,000 and Don't Tell us How to Spend it
Quite curious that Bush threatens the UN with irrelevance if they didn't give him what in fact they didn't give him, then he comes in asking the irrelevant organization to do something for him. He wants sanctions lifted, he wants our status as exalted occupying force blessed, and he wants three billion smackers with no strings attached.

Colin Powell's promised "vital role" for the UN? They get to sit on an advisory board overseeing funding and a role of "UN Special Coordinator in Iraq." Hey Special Coordinator, why do you go coordinate me a fresh cup of coffee! Haw, haw!

...and just to complete the revengening, the much maligned Hans Blix has no role. Funny how he was the butt of many a joke during the build up to Operation Assassin Eagle, with the subtext that Iraq was littered with WoMD that he myopically overlooked, while our Persian Gulf to Turkish border coverage is cracking open the champaign over some van with an empty metal vat of... rust?

Remind me, why does the world hate us and consider us arrogant?

Bush Regime Does Something That Doesn't Suck
What? Have the SOTC.com editors finally succumbed to the Fox"News" imagery of Fighter Pilot Bush looking like a GI Joe action figure? Well, no. But it adds precious little to the already stifling research workload of our army of interns to point out the minute occasions when, for whatever reason, W gets it right.

Okay, okay, what's his capitulation to the Sharpton platform? his Wellstone gesture? Actually, W may become the first President of the modern era to take on a powerful and entrenched boon-doggle-fattened environmentally disastrous monster and survive. That monster? The Army Corps of Engineers. You remember them, doncha? The ones that destroyed the Everglades and now are charged with un-destroying the Everglades. They're the ones that make seawalls which ultimately destroy the homes they are meant to protect, the ones who pump gigatons of sand back onto beaches, the ones who bulldoze the swamp muck around New Orleans into levees that keep Bourbon Street at merely 99% humidity, the ones who kill snail darters with their dams, dredge estuaries for barge traffic, never mind the ecological damage.

Now they seek to create two of the world's biggest jetties between barrier islands on North Carolina's fragile coast. ...until they met tree-huggin' cost-cuttin' W. Using his typical, I-don't-care-what-anybody-thinks swagger, Bush has taken on a cow so heretofore sacred that none before him have dared ponder in budget wars. He is firing anyone in his staff who seeks to protect the Corps, including former Mississippi Congressman Mike Parker, now (or should I say, recently?) director of the Corp for attempting to reassert the typical funding game employed between the White House and Capital Hill.

Now the cynical among you (a class I temporarily exempt myself from for the full duration on this typing fit) would claim this is just being done as part of his budget-cutting (or worse, that the ACoE is a subsidized competitor to Bechtel, Halliburton and other cozy buddies to 1600 Penn. Ave). But I say, let a tiny halo hover, however briefly, over the turd-strewn visage of George Walker Bush, in recognition of his pause in the destruction of the environment.

Stop the Presses Martha, He Dun Went and Did Another Thing That Didn't Suck!
Now it's the continuation of the assault weapons ban. Wow, imbued with power beyond a madman's dreams, Bush is striking in every direction, just testing his superpower of supreme authority. The oft-republican-courted NRA is aghast that our president dares challenge their ability to arm all Americans with Weapons of Mall Destruction. Gee, that's funny... Charlton Heston signed off on this a couple months ago!

I guess it's only fair since we're outlawing gun ownership in Iraq. But, please be careful Georgie! Don't alienate that critical base of crazed gun-wielding zealots. They need their weaponry to rise up against a repressive government. Hey, wait a minute...

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  Legal Disclaimer: All information on this site has been carefully considered as to its inflammatory value against the backdrop of the prevailing standards of cultural depravity. Research is spotty at best. The resulting verbiage, though dead-on and wickedly insightful (not to mention inciteful) should be considered pure satire, if for no other reason than to deflect lawsuits.