u p  d a t e d  w e e k l y !

Chronicling the new Empire of America, the uber-Bully.

19 May 2003

Turd of the Week

L. Paul Bremer, newly anointed occupying potentate of the Iraqi anarchistocracy takes the TOW this week with his classic GWB-style approach to problems: shoot 'em!

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New Feature! Blabbering Bush Head

Click head for fresh random quote from Jacob Weinberg's The Complete Bushisms


Civilian casualties update
This data is an accounting of civilian deaths in Iraq to date.
See Iraqbodycount.net for statistical methodologies


Growing fat off juicy Iraqi rebuildin' contracts. Did you know the bin Laden group is one of our top investors?

screw all the other stockholders, we're cashing out!

Hey, what do you know? We make money from American militarily screwed up countries in the Middle East!

We're already negotiating with the “new Iraqi democracy” for oil rights!

Selling weapons all over the globe to ensure civilian death and instability which in turn ensures a strong market for years and years...


The Bush Regime is Utterly Incompetent, Imbecilic and Inept No, The Bush Regime is Dishonest, Deceitful and Disingenuous
There is an increasing realization that Iraq, in all probability, did not recently have Weapons of Mass Destruction on any scale that could pose a credible threat outside its own borders. The increasingly defensive desperation of the Defense department upon finding an abandoned van or rusting canisters, serves to underscore this fact. We were led to believe by Rumsfeld's crew of Gatorade-drenched and confetti-festooned war-gamers that definitive intelligence pinpointed facilities for the fabrication, storage and ultimate deployment of chemical, biological and nuclear weaponry for use against American interests.

This evidence was so compelling, it even swayed sellout Secretary of State Colin Powerless, who squandered any remaining shreds of objective credibility in presenting the case to the U.N. We were led to believe that with the sheer volume of the operations, Iraq would be unable to hide the vast operation from forces on the ground. We were led to believe that with the level of certainty and detail in the intelligence, we would swiftly uncover the smoking guns of Iraq's weapons-factories and expose the folly of the rest of the world's recalcitrance.

With little more than a handful of abandoned vehicles housing equipment that could be used for a multitude of purposes, only some of which were potentially nefarious, the Bush Regime's intelligence gathering and analysis is apparently deeply flawed. We've heard many analysts, the most thorough of which are featured in last week's issue of The New Yorker magazine, discuss the infighting between the departments of Defense and State. Particularly disturbing are reports of the preferential ear that the Defense department has given to ambiguous data that supports its invasioneering. Given the consequences of their reliance on flawed intelligence, SOTC.com can only conclude systemic incompetence as the basis of their boobery.

Incompetence, my ass. These guys know exactly what they're doing. The whole cabal has deep connections throughout the global intelligence community and knew exactly what was going on in Iraq. They've got satellites that can read license plates from space. They've got heat sensing technologies that detect minute temperature variations that accompany weapons production. They've got ambient atmospheric detection technologies that can catch stray whiffs of inevitable minute outgassing that are concomitant with all but the most stringent weapons production environments. Of course they knew what they'd find and wouldn't find.

Not only that, but they have a deep and nuanced understanding of the American reaction. With the mainstream media largely complicit (thanks to the administration's coincident pondering of the relaxation of the FCC's media conglomeration inhibitions) and the attention span of the fickle public focusing little beyond made-for-TV images of statues falling and freed babe-olicious POWs, the Bush Regime knew full well how the whole thing would play in Paduchah.

America loves a quick and decisive war. The Bush Regime shrewdly calculated that and knew those visceral gains would obliterate any lingering details of accountability to original justifications. By providing a whole panoply of reasons for war, the Bush camp can easily fall back to reason number 4 and pretend the first three didn't exist.

Incompetent? Hell no, these guys are on their game!

Saudi Terror Attack
After gloating that our military pursuits were indeed lessening terrorism, the Bush Regime finds itself having to respond to the terrorist attacks in Saudi Arabia, the secondary target of Al Q'aeda madness and Casablanca Morocco. No problem for the swaggering administration... It's all the Saudi's fault. Yep, we warned them and gave them all the intelligence they needed on a silver platter, but Noooo, they didn't listen. Not our fault.
King of Iraq: Shoot Looters on the Spot
Demonstrating a new commitment to teaching the savages about democracy, the newly appointed King of Iraq, Paul Bremer has issued orders to US forces to shoot all looters on sight. One official was quoted as saying, "They are going to start shooting a few looters so that the word gets around." Whether the looting is good old fashioned American-style TV grabbing or an attempt to gather the sustenance to feed one's family in the face of an infrastructure decimated by American military might, the new US strategy is to terrorize Iraqis into complacence.

This policy makes sense given America's perverted Utilitarian justification toward its military pursuits: killing is wholly justifiable (and downright noble, brave and patriotic) if we can convince ourselves it results in a net lessening of ultimate life loss. Thus, as long as we believe the killing of 20,000 Iraqis prevents the deaths of more than 20,000 persons around the world, it is the right course. And of course, as the only mega-ultra-giga-superpower, it is our prerogative to fantasize what would have taken place had we not bravely and patriotically killed.

So here's a list of the democratic freedoms we've brought to Iraq:

• Citizens have no right to bear arms
Citizens have no right to due process
USA executive branch decides who has voice in democratic process
Separation of Church and State - score one for the Iraqis while we sanction religious discrimination in hiring practices for firms receiving federal monies and endorse "sacred literature" in taxpayer supported programs
Freedom of the press - if you can find any spare airwaves after we've saturated them with Arabic dubbed Fox"News" and the like.

Biological Agents Found in Iraq!
Finally, the Bush White House has some great news justifying Operation Assassin Eagle. According to sources at the World Health Organization, positive indications for deadly bio-terrorism agent, Cholera, have been discovered in copious volumes throughout Basra and surrounding areas. Apparently, Saddam had been harboring this deadly contagion somewhere in the Basra region, as it has recently been discovered in mountains of refuse in the streets and among children in the area. An unidentified Defense Department official said, "This is truly great news, as it depicts the depths of evil inspired by the cruel oppressive force that seeks... I mean sought, to subjugate Iraqis."

Cholera, one of the deadliest biological agents known to humankind, is a waterborne disease that leads to severe dehydration and death. Caused by the bacteria Vibrio cholerae, Cholera has caused pandemic death for millions and features a mortality rate greater than 50% in untreated cases.

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