u p  d a t e d  w e e k l y !

The Last Bastion of America's Liberal Media

20 Oct, 2003

Turd of the Week

Army Lt. General William G. "Jerry" Boykin, by explaining that our war in Iraq is in fact, a religious war, and of course, God's on our side, you get this week's finely aged elephant dingleberry.

See story below


Blabbering Bush Head

Click head for fresh random quote from
Jacob Weinberg's The Complete Bushisms - Netscape users hit reload

ARCHIVES
Iraq War Cost
(JavaScript Error)

Civilian casualties update
This data is an accounting of civilian deaths in Iraq to date.
See Iraqbodycount.net for statistical methodologies



Sponsors:


Growing fat off juicy Iraqi rebuildin' contracts. Did you know the bin Laden group is one of our top investors?


screw all the other stockholders, we're cashing out!


Hey, what do you know? We make money from American militarily screwed up countries in the Middle East!


We're already negotiating with the “new Iraqi democracy” for oil rights!


Selling weapons all over the globe to ensure civilian death and instability which in turn ensures a strong market for years and years...

 

 

I Take it Back
The Crap-Sickened Pundit officially rescinds his cynical blessing of the California Steroidocracy. Where once I naively believed this was proper comeuppance for the GOP to inherit a fiscal mess of enormous proportions (and largely of their own making), I now know better. Recently announced plans for a get together of the governor-elect and GIGeorge are dripping with the stench of federal bailout for the Golden State.

While the GOP was all to happy to withhold any assistance from California while Davis was at the helm, a Republican governor gets a steady stream of Brinks trucks. This deliberate federal impoverishing of California during the Bush stretch of the Davis years has created an exaggerated sense of Democratic culpability. With federal dollars bailing out California's energy issues (of Bush's cronies' making) and tons of matching funds that will pull Californee from the brink. Calif is indebted to the GOP and Bush locks up a sweet chunk of desperately needed electoral votes.

What about the citizens of California? Well, that's not important. The big thing is the GOP gains more power, which as we have learned is the real driver here.

Where's the FCC's Oversight When You Need it?
Wondering where your tax dollars go? Well, mostly to Iraq, but a not insignificant portion is going to pay for advertisements about the Clear Skies (sic) Initiative and the wonderful health benefits we will all accrue while industry gets to pump more shit into the air.

Yep, the government is spending your money in order to lie to you.

According to the advertisement, the CSI "would create purer air, better health and a more brilliant future in the United States." How does this miracle occur? By allowing older plants to operate their heavily polluting equipment indefinitely without upgrading to newer, cleaner technology.

In other words, the government is spending your money in order to lie to you.

This is not new. The EPA's Ministry of Propaganda has been spewing dark clouds of deceit into the air since they booted out the Clinton tree huggers in 2001. The "Healthy Forests (sic) Initiative" is touted as improving the health of forests, by allowing pervasive logging. The Hydrogen Car? It turns out all the hydrogen for this theoretical green buggy will be derived using petroleum fuels. Clearly, the administration determines a course it wants to set (fewer restrictions on factories, loggers, petroleum chums) and then sets out to construct the PR campaign to explain why lessening pollution constraints will in fact, magically increase biodiversity and advance the public health.

It is certainly fair game to have open discussions about the complex interconnections between industry, the ecosystem and public health. But to subvert science and public policy by substituting the perverse hyperbole that everybody wins when restrictions are lessened is an egregious lie. After the Bushies tried to push ANWR oil plundering on its face value - more oil, some impact on the environment, they learned their lesson when that initiative began to wither on the vine. The lesson was to always wrap the rollback of EPA protections in deceitful Orwellian language.

In other words, the government is spending your money in order to lie to you.

U.N. Grants Bush Wide Powers to Do Vague Things at a Vague Time
The punditry of this crap-sickened forum is mildly encouraged that GIGeorge hasn't completely written off the U.N. Regardless of his desperate motivation to share the pain, involvement of the preeminent international body can only be a good thing. Problem is, the resulting resolution is so pathetically toothless, that is serves to underscore the enormous gap between Bush's ambitions and that of the rest of the world.

A timetable under which a timetable will be establish? Oooh! that's powerful.

Compromise is nice, but this agreement is nothing more than a least common denominator, which serves to illustrate how little that common denominator actually is. Unless of course, you use fuzzy math.

Our God Can Beat Up Your God
"Ladies and gentlemen I want to impress upon you that the battle that we're in is a spiritual battle," Explains Jerry Boykin, Senior Pentagon Policymaker and high-ranking Iraq cleanser. "Satan wants to destroy this nation, he wants to destroy us as a nation, and he wants to destroy us as a Christian army."
Regarding Osman Otto, Somalia Lieutenant and practicing Muslim, he declared "I knew that my God was bigger than his. I knew that my God was a real God and his was an idol."

Great. We're trying to win over the hearts and minds of people we are calling idol worshippers and servants of Satan. Why don't we send this guy, Jerry Falwell and Pat Robertson deep into the Sunni triangle with a Bible and an interpreter and let 'em convert their way out!

The crap-sickenedist part is not that he holds these views, but that he freely spews them publicly, as a representative of Don Rumsfeld's Pentagon. We're waiting for the White House refutation of his remarks, but time's a wastin' and I think my dryer is finished down at the local laundromat.

If Only Someone Could Have Foreseen It
Wow. What a mess Iraq is. The original plan saw the Iraqis busily making confetti and harvesting dates for the brave conquerors by mid April. We'd pull Ahmad Chalabi out of mothballs, tell the Iraqis this guy's the new dude and turn our attention to Iran and Syria, who by this point would be peacefully turning over the keys to the presidential palaces to Emperor Wolfowitz.

Well, we all know that ain't how it's turning out. But in fairness, who could have foreseen this mess? Who could have possibly looked at the myriad factors of a fractured nation and predicted this? Who could have conceivably come up with an in-depth analysis of what could potentially go wrong with winning the peace after a decisive military victory?

Gee, I don't know, how about, maybe The State Department?

In YAEFPB (yet another embarrassment for President Bush), it has come to light that recent revectoring of Ameraqi plans are relying more and more heavily on a State Department document, The Future of Iraq Project, that was assembled over a year ago. This report documents the horrific infrastructure, inevitable hostility to American rebuilding efforts and strong probability of violent resistance. Although it has been available for some time precisely for the purposes of post invasion strategizing, Pentagon planners ignored it until very recently, preferring instead their own analyses based largely on ex-pat Iraqis with an agenda.

But... Rummy knows best, so Colin's report can go to hell. Hell, it should be noted, is currently located somewhere in the Sunni Triangle.

Strong-arming for the $87,000,000,000
What a fucked up predicament for law makers. There is now an overwhelming number of congresspersons who, in hindsight, would certainly have not approved Bush's Iraqi bloodlust. But now, with this keystone Arabic nation on the brink of anarchy (thanks to America big ideas), it is clear that we must fix the horrible mess that we imposed on top of an already beleaguered nation.

The U.N. agreement to vaguely encourage member nations to consider helping out is going to make little difference: we broke it, we have to do whatever it takes to fix it. Does that mean turning over nation-building control to the U.N.? You betcha. Does that mean Americans will have to bear a significant burden for the rebuilding? You betcha. Does that mean that Americans will not swallow another trumped-up case for war? Let's hope so.

While some in congress seek to block Bush's funding bill, let us hope they are intent on sending a message about the specifics of such a bill and not desire to leave Iraq in the horrible mess we've made of it.

Sick of this Crap Staff (yes, the links really work!):

Editor:
Publisher:
Layout:
Research:
Interns: , ,
Admin:
Contributors:

 
  Crap Archives
Links
About  
  Legal Disclaimer: All information on this site has been carefully considered as to its inflammatory value against the backdrop of the prevailing standards of cultural depravity. Research is spotty at best. The resulting verbiage, though dead-on and wickedly insightful (not to mention inciteful) should be considered pure satire, if for no other reason than to deflect lawsuits.