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The Last Bastion of America's Liberal Media

22 Sep 2003

Turd of the Week

Yours Truly, The Crap-Sickened Pundit, fell out of the weekly update cycle, due to a cruel conspiracy of computer viruses and vacation in the dwindling National Forest.

Rest assured, the war on crap will not rest...

Blabbering Bush Head

Click head for fresh random quote from
Jacob Weinberg's The Complete Bushisms - Netscape users hit reload

Iraq War Cost
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Civilian casualties update
This data is an accounting of civilian deaths in Iraq to date.
See Iraqbodycount.net for statistical methodologies


Growing fat off juicy Iraqi rebuildin' contracts. Did you know the bin Laden group is one of our top investors?

screw all the other stockholders, we're cashing out!

Hey, what do you know? We make money from American militarily screwed up countries in the Middle East!

We're already negotiating with the “new Iraqi democracy” for oil rights!

Selling weapons all over the globe to ensure civilian death and instability which in turn ensures a strong market for years and years...



Fitting Symbol of American Intervention
What do you do to unwind when you're spreading freedom in an uncertain land? Well, you go get wicked drunk, head to the Baghdad Zoo, try to feed the crown jewel of the once world-reknown large cat collection (a large Bengal Tiger), have said tiger mangle your arm, losing a couple fingers in the ordeal, have an equally drunk buddy shoot and kill the tiger.

That's what happened a couple days ago to a bunch of drunk American servicemen and a tiger. We head over to Iraq, end up getting our fingers bitten off, then just start a drunken shooting spree to even things up.

If this isn't an emblematic picture of our occupation and the care we're taking to understand our occupyees, nothing is.

The Last Pretense of Civility - Lost to the Ages
George Bush and his Neo-Cons seek to redefine America's role in the world. While that redefinition remains to be established, their tough line stance and terrifying vocabulary of intimidation are redefining diplomacy around the world. It seems that options of assassination, once reserved for smoke-filled basement offices of nefarious executives, have now been blithely legitimized by Bush's Modus Operandi of parading pictures of mustache's sons and issuing standing orders for the severed head of a head of state on a bloody pike sometime before the next election.

Israel, eager to justify their <insert_your_genocide_reference_here> policies toward Palestinians, have been quick to adopt the new American stance. The sloppily recanted reference to an Arafat assassination option seems almost mundane to American ears, yet it serves as a shocking revelation of how far we've sunk. Some might argue that it is better to discuss assassinations in the open, rather than in the aforementioned smoke-filled basement office. Hardly, for the secret assassinations at least have an implicit connotation that they are illegal and immoral. Nowadays, it seems perfectly acceptable to casually consider the murder of persons deemed political obstacles, or in the case of Bush and Saddam, political opportunities.

Wow, I've taken some time to digest this figure, and I've come to the inescapable conclusion that eighty seven billion dollars is a lot of money. Keep in mind, that's in addition to the tally to date, more than doubling the amount of money that needs to be leeched from helping people in need. The diversion of current and future taxpayers' monies into a unilateral war of choice would be troubling under the best economic conditions. In the face of our current fiscal circumstances?...

It is certainly encouraging that reality seems to be finally though gradually eroding the fantasy world of the neo-cons. Accompaniment of this request for funds is a strategy for the rest of the world, whose support we've foolishly dismissed and insulted, to get involved. Pathetic is the all too predictable White House refusal to so much as nibble a crow-laden Ritz cracker, as evidenced by the finger-wagging to the rest of the world to clean up our mess, where one would expect a plea.

Bush Admits Lies... Well, Kinda, but Not Really
The Rhinestone Cowboy displayed a rare glimmer of humility this past week with an admission that, in fact Saddam did not have a role in the September 11th attacks. While maintaining the insistence that SH and ObL were otherwise chummy cahooters, the backpedal signals perhaps as much of an admission of deliberate misleading as the outraged are going to get.

Now the Bushies are trying to insist, in their best imitation of "that depends on what your definition of 'is' is," that they never ever ever said Saddam was involved in the September 11th attacks. No, the apologists claim there was no literal and direct statement made linking mustache with plane crash. So, 70% of America just got this idea out of thin air?

The credibility of the Bushies has grown so thin that even the complacency of the media (present company excluded), the loaded congress and judicial branches and a reality immune public are starting to question it. But fortunately for the Bush juggerNOT, the story will quickly be absorbed into the background and he can conveniently refute that link, pointing to the recent direct statement of non-linkage.

What would happen if Bush just admitted that the war was waged on erroneous assumptions and then asked all the world's horses and all the world's people to put Iraqi Dumpty together again? Realistically, the country would devour Bush and Co. alive. But it might salvage history's view of his presidency as it paved the way to reestablish the decades-in-the-making moral underpinnings of our global leadership which were so callously squandered by the administration arrogant.

Wesley Clarke. Does He Have a Chance?
You gotta like this guy. He's everything Bush pretends to be - soldier, compassionate, principled, experienced. While his lack of campaign experience and his late start could ultimately render him nothing more than a pleasant novelty, he has all the goods to take on Bush and reveal him as the lying wealthy-loving idiot that he is.

Dean is a seductive candidate for the Crap-Sickened-Pundit, and his fervent opposition to all things Bush could find the election falling in his lap as Iraq keeps enquagmiring and the economy flounders. However, it is essential that the Dems come up with the best Bush beater and it's no surprise that Rove is looking to McGovernize Howie, whatever that entails.

Unfortunately, recent openmouthed ponderings from Clarke reveal a thoughtful, though not particularly politically astute candidate. Asked if he would have voted for the congressional resolution authorizing Bush to destroy what and when he felt like it, Wesley hemmed and hawed, said it was complicated (and we know how Americans hate complication...) and ultimately said he probably would have voted for it, but... quibble, quibble, condition, condition...

Note To Wes: Americans like simple firm answers, not nuanced hedging.

Sure, anything from Leiberman (shudder!) to Mosely-Braun (say what?) would be better than the incumbent. Hell, even Lyndon LaRouche sounds good. But one must hope that the Dems use their best chance at getting Bush and his vermin squad the fuck outta Washington. Wesley is it, if he can make up for lost time and display some of the slickness necessary to woo the TV generation voters.

How 'bout a Dean/Clarke or Clarke/Dean ticket?

Senate Finds Spine on Media Conglomeration
The Senate sent a stinging rebuke to El General by rejecting the Media conglomeration move by Colin Powell's son Skippy. Sure, they don't have the majority to override a veto, but the beauty is that it forces the Rhinestone Cowboy to commit toa high profile veto or capitulation. Ideally, we'd all hear him explain why concentrating media ownership into fewer and larger corporate hands would be a good thing for America.

The Bush administration is tossing up some plump skeet for the shooting. Ready Dems?

Too bad the same Senate session saw passage of funding for tiny theater nukes - small and downright cuddly nuclear missiles that can be used in regular battlefield operations. This would drastically lower the bar for using nuclear weaponry, just as more nations see nukes as the only credible threat to US imperialism. Gee, Great...

Osama, sama, Osama, Bonanafana Fosama, Fee Fi Fo Fama...       Osama.
Well, just days before every cable channel rolled out their tributes to the World Trade Centers and disasters therein, who is creeping around a rock-strewn valley looking fit and tan and ready to inflame Western values? Saddama bin Laden! Apparently, he didn't get the White House memo imploring all on the To: list to mention anything but his bearded ass.

Well, by all accounts, Afghanny is resurrecting its terror-sponsoring, adultress-stoning medieval specter like the Terminator, whose robotic impossibility is established at the end of each movie, only to resurface through some sci-fi loophole in time-space law. Fortunately, it looks as though the Terminator will be irrevocably destroyed in the California recall election. But back to Afghanny and ObL...

Among Osama's goals:

  • Get US troops out of Saudi Arabia. Check.
    Sure, we claimed to do it for our own reasons, but ObL takes credit anyway
  • Bring America to its economic knees. Check
    Well, I can't take credit away from Bush, but ObL takes it anyway
  • Estrange relations between the Saudis and the US. Check
    The Guardian UK newsdaily reports that the Saudis are looking for nuclear capability. Oh, that's great!
  • End US support for Israel. No deal
    However, things are going so badly in Palestine, it's easy to see the resulting mess only aids ObL's cause
  • Inspire a holy war between US conventional force and Jihad guerilla/terror forces. Check.
    Man, he even counts on US's inability to stomach the horrors of war.

It sounds like the evil ObL is calling the shots here and Bush is just his stupid puppet. I certainly can't credit ObL's depraved logic for Bush's global stupidity, but it seems cruelly ironic that GWB is stomping all over the flaming bag of dog shit ObL laid on our welcome mat.

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