u p  d a t e d  w e e k l y !

Chronicling the new Empire of America, the uber-Bully.

23 June 2003

Turd of the Week

Dick Cheney, Don't deny those were your pudgy pig hooves on the keyboard during the editing of the EPA state of environment-minus-any-references-potentially-offensive-to-big-oil report.

See stories
for details

New Feature! Blabbering Bush Head

Click head for fresh random quote from
Jacob Weinberg's The Complete Bushisms
- Netscape users hit reload


Civilian casualties update
This data is an accounting of civilian deaths in Iraq to date.
See Iraqbodycount.net for statistical methodologies


Growing fat off juicy Iraqi rebuildin' contracts. Did you know the bin Laden group is one of our top investors?

screw all the other stockholders, we're cashing out!

Hey, what do you know? We make money from American militarily screwed up countries in the Middle East!

We're already negotiating with the “new Iraqi democracy” for oil rights!

Selling weapons all over the globe to ensure civilian death and instability which in turn ensures a strong market for years and years...


The Plot Sickens
So, in a move completely unrelated to the building tidal wave of global pressure to get to the bottom of the WMD intelligence maybe-disaster, the CIA has exiled two senior officials who were previously deeply involved in gathering and analyzing intelligence on Iraq's WMD. One of the ostrich-sized officials headed up the Iraq Issue Group, responsible for analysis of US intelligence on Iraq. The other headed up the Iraq Task Force, which provided direct support to military leaders during the war.

Conspiracy theorists, stop that negative thinking right now because, according to the CIA spokesman Bill Harlow, it is "absolutely wrong to think this is somehow punitive or negative or indicative of anything other than a normal rotation." See? You were getting all worked up over nothing!

The White House is making lots of not-so-behind-the-scenes moves to position the CIA as the lump-taker here, even though much compelling evidence exists that Rummy circumvented CIA intelligence in favor of his own spooks' work since the CIA provided lots of intelligence that refuted hawkish claims. It's a fascinating cover-up to see the White House trying to reposition the original debate, rewrite the CIA's role, all while just plain dodging issues like the Nigerian nuke sale that was paraded around publicly, months after the White House knew better.

Is it time to dust off the old Reagan "I am a non-recollecting dumbass" defense?

Iraqn - Come on Down! You're our Next Contestant!
If for any reason Iraq is unable to fulfill her duties as harborer of WMD or cohort of Osama, Iran, the first runner-up will become the primary villain of the USA. The trash-talkin' Rhinestone Cowboy is ramping up the whoopass machine on Iraqn, or maybe he is just mispronouncing Iraq - well, does it really matter? The point is Iraqn harbors terror (we really mean it this time!) and with our soldiers getting bogged down in the messiness that is Iraq (as compared to the sexy bombing, statue felling, hero-contriving activities of invasion), we need to turn our attention to what America does best - nation crushing.

The WMD is actually playing well for Bush. If it turns out America doesn't care about being sold a bunch of crap about Iraq, then Bush just appears more arbitrarily monstrous to the rest of the world, making him a more believable psychotic kill-demon capable of wiping out nations for reasons he can discover after the fact. Now, what mullah wouldn't be shi'itting in his drawers over that imagery?

Fiscal Responsibility Pares Printing Costs for EPA
In a strong sign that the White House is serious about cost containment, the Bush administration is removing pages from the EPA's state of the environment report. Not-so-arbitrary edits to keep duplication costs low include the removal of long boring passages which drone on and on about global warming, consequences to the human condition (snore!) and replacing these stiff and overly analytical sections with some exiting factoids from the American Petroleum Institute, which has nothing to do with Dick Cheney's million dollar a year retainer from Halliburton, or Bush's nonexistent ties to the energy industry. Ultimately, the API's analysis-with-an-attitude contributions were dropped for fear that any mention of the global warming issue would just further worry a public that is more obsessed with bomb-hardening their Hummers in preparation for Iranian terror attacks.

So now, the state of the environment sidesteps the whole issue of global warming, while scientific evidence is pushing skeptics increasingly into the remote margins of the scientific community.

New Theory of WMD...
An intriguing theory is going around pop intelligence circles that Saddam didn't in fact have WMD recently , but had a huge interest in perpetuating the illusion he did. Syria, the Kurds and even western forces had a deep seated belief that Saddam had 'em, had an itchy trigger finger, and was just looking for an excuse to launch 'em, so nobody messed with him until he met a crazier guy with an itchier trigger finger.

Hey, it makes sense! All the fear inducement of chemical, biological and nuclear weaponry without the mess, expense, management overhead and damn scientist ethical backlash! And how easy is it to perpetuate this illusion to a terrorism-paranoid America?

C'mon! Once Bush phrased the debate in terms of "prove to us you don't have it" all Saddam had to do was send out a few vague pronouncements. Simmer slowly over Fox"News" and Voila!

Bush Accuses Critics of "Revisionist History"
Political strategists and cliquish teenagers have long known that the best defense is a good offense. Particularly useful is an accusation toward foes that is the very charge you yourself wish to defend against.

Thus it stands as numbingly ironic that Bush declares the growing issue of "Where them WMD at?" as revisionist history. For it is clearly Bush who is attempting to reframe his words of late 2002 and early 2003 away from the imminent threat to America posed by Saddam Hussein, to the liberation from evil, which of course never inspired his constituency, except as a last gasp after-the-fact justification for ass-kicking.

  • Bush's repeated and unambiguous claims that Iraq posed a clear and imminent threat to American security stands as fact.
  • His recitation, and that of his lackeys, of the inventory of known weaponry and facilities stands as fact.
  • His claim of Iraq's pursuit of Nigerian uranium (months after the CIA and Cheney's office had received clear analysis of their bogacity) stand as fact.
  • His insistence of Al Q'aeda cohorting with Saddam Hussein stands as fact.

Now, his recent depiction of Iraqi liberation and facilities for the potential creation of WMD as invasion rationale serves to illustrate just who is attempting to revise history. Fortunately, the words from his recent past betray him and show him as he is, a man incapable of admitting he led the country to war for reasons that largely have proven to be incorrect.

Next on Bush's List of Peoples to be Liberated...
So, it turns out that Bush was liberating Iraqi people from evil all along. It had nothing to do with the WMD or the links to Al Q'aeda or to imminent threats to America. That stuff was in the script for "bureaucratic reasons." (Thanks Wolfie, that's a high-mileage line!) Nope, our leader is a liberator of oppressed peoples.

So just to help do my citizen part, here's the list of countries that are next up. Let's just keep it one continent, for now - Africa:

  1. Burundi - 9 year civil war, mass graves, thousands killed, political assassinations.
  2. Cote d'Ivoire - government and rebel forces in western Côte d’Ivoire are responsible for massacres of civilians, rape, reprisal killings and systematic looting.
  3. Ethiopia - The Ethiopian government is muzzling educators and students with a policy of harsh repression that includes extrajudicial killings, arbitrary arrests, and widespread denials of freedom of opinion and association.
  4. Kenya - Millions of women in sub-Saharan Africa are robbed, beaten, raped, and evicted-often by their own in-laws because women are deemed unworthy of equal property rights
  5. Liberia - Government troops and pro-government militias are responsible for summarily killing, torturing and abusing civilians, raping women and girls, and abducting civilians for forced labor and combat.
  6. Nigeria - The OPC, one of the powerful rebel groups, uses fire-arms, machetes, cutlasses, knives, daggers and acid to torture and kills hundreds of victims, frequently they set fire to the corpses, sometimes after mutilating them
  7. Rwanda - hundreds of thousands of children have been killed and maimed.
  8. Sierra Leone - thousands of women and girls of all ages, ethnic groups, and socioeconomic classes have been subjected to widespread and systematic sexual violence, including individual and gang rape, and rape with objects such as weapons, firewood, umbrellas and pestles.
  9. Somalia - Been there, done that. Too messy, as 19 Americans were killed.
  10. Sudan - government has targeted and bombed civilians and civilian objects, including relief distribution locations, churches, and schools, causing many civilian casualties and damage to the fragile civilian infrastructure of the south.
  11. Togo - Children sold into slavery by the thousands.
  12. Uganda - In total, a conservatively estimated 20,000 children have been abducted during the conflict between the LRA and the Ugandan government, subjected to brutal treatment as soldiers, laborers and sexual slaves.

Given Dubya's deep commitment to liberating nations from despotic conditions, regardless of whether or not they have deep oil reserves or tried to kill his Dad, we expect to see military moves toward Africa shortly.

  Crap Archives
  Legal Disclaimer: All information on this site has been carefully considered as to its inflammatory value against the backdrop of the prevailing standards of cultural depravity. Research is spotty at best. The resulting verbiage, though dead-on and wickedly insightful (not to mention inciteful) should be considered pure satire, if for no other reason than to deflect lawsuits.