u p  d a t e d  w e e k l y !
28 Mar 03
Chronicling the new Empire of America, the uber-Bully.
ARCHIVES

Turd of the Week

Richly deserving, Senator Rick Santorum R-PA plucks this award away from the
clutches of the White House goon squad with his commentary on the Supreme
Court case challenging the Texas law outlawing specific sex acts behind closed
doors.

See Stories for Details


Move over French, Gays now in the Crosshairs
In a shocking wake-up call to the Log Cabin Republicans, who managed to momentarily get their collective head out of the sand, Senator Rick Santorum hinted at a new licensing system for erotic activity. The guidelines, as far as we can tell, provide a narrow window of acceptable behaviors between consenting adults, beyond which other activities would presumably fall out of grace with prevailing legal systems. Apparently, Sen. Sanitarium feels that homosexuality between consenting adults should be considered as indistinguishably evil from incest, bigamy and adultery.

To demonstrate his sensitivity and expertise on all things carnal, Senator Sanitarium did not include bestiality, necrophilia and copraphagy among the equivalent sins.

Only eight years have passed since Dick Armey (I still cannot believe that name!) made his "Barney Fag" reference to the honorable congressman from Massachusetts. But apparently, the victory against the Iraqi people gives Republicans the right to spread their invective against disenfranchised groups without remorse. In distinct contrast to the Trent Lott case (which inspired SOTC's first Turd of the Week - sigh...), Republicans are supporting not just Sanitarium the Senator, but are embracing his words.

The Republicans want to legislate your bedroom. I guess conservatives believe in individual rights for heterosexual white golfers only.

Civilian casualties update
This data is an accounting of civilian deaths in Iraq to date.
See Iraqbodycount.net for statistical methodologies


Sponsors:


screw all the other stockholders, we're cashing out!


Hey, what do you know? We make money from American militarily screwed up countries in the Middle East!


We're already negotiating with the “new Iraqi democracy” for oil rights!


Selling weapons all over the globe to ensure civilian death and instability which in turn ensures a strong market for years and years...

 

How do you Solve a Problem Like Korea?*
Well, the Bushies notched their gloat machine up a couple levels at the apparent boot-quiverings emanating from North Korea. It seemed, as we were told by mini-Rummys Wolfowitz and Pearle, that North Korea was so shock-laden and awestruck by our stunning assassination machinery, that they were ready to dismantle their nukes and open a series of Super Wal-Marts in suburban Pyongyang. No stronger evidence of this abject capitulation could be found than the Pygmy's (sic) Posse agreeing to multilateral talks rather than the Kim-on-Bush wrestlemania pushed by the charter member of the axis of evil.

This pundit freely admits to not understanding the big deal of multilateral vs. one on one talks between NK and US. Why does NK think multilateral is evil and why does US think one on one is evil? I suppose its a dissing-the-punk thing (can't we all just grow up a bit?). Nevertheless, Colin Powerless went Asiaward to engage in multilateral talks (Yay! we won the format war!) only to find the Pygmy engaging in levels of bellicosity that may even outpace our own! (How DARE he?!?!?!)

Warping the Rummy-inspired logic, NK insists that the lesson learned from Iraq was that nations had to develop and presumably, threaten to launch, Weapons of Horrific Consequence (a registered trademark of sickofthiscrap.com) in order to avoid sharing the fate of fellow evil axis constituent, Iraq. Not to be outdone in the escalation of testosterone-laden invective, Colin Powerless shot back that we will not be intimidated by any punk-ass mothahfucka, especially one whose ass we can vaporize, then entomb in a bitch-slappin' 3 foot layer of glazed silicate stretching from the Yellow Sea to the East Korea Sea (Whoops, sorry 'bout that Seoul!). Word up.

Well the Pygmy is crazy, has nukes and possesses no regard for the well-being of his people, the planet or other humans, so I guess that means it's okay to taunt him.

Ya know, one of these days the Bush doctrine of Preemptive Asswhoopage and Belligerent Trash Talkery is going to backfire. When it does, will anyone be left to point out its shortcomings?

*the editor apologized to long time readers who recall this headline used before. A combination of a severe lack of imagination and self-congratulations of a clever headline leads the CSP to recycle the text.

US To Define What Kind of Iraqi Democracy is Allowed
In an move that defines new levels of geopolitical irony, the Bush Regime warned the pastiche of Iraqi political factions not to seize power. All the Iraqi Karl Roves have been put on notice that aggressive grabs for power will not be tolerated. Then more saber rattling (yawn!) to Iranians accused of mobilizing Shiite's in a grab for power. America wants the world to know that no outside power can influence the political process in Iraq. Hello?

Lt. Gen. David McKiernan warned that any challenges to American authority would be answered with arrest. Arrest? the Iraqis have suffered decades of brutality, two wars visited upon them by the most devastating forces in the world and you're threatening them with arrest? Oooh, that's soooo scary!

Meanwhile, the Shiites, communists and half-annointed leaders are quickly seizing opportunity to pull a series of Al Haigs amid the American inspired chaos.

New Nucular Bunker Buster!
Rummy's on a roll! Yep, the Bush Regime has announced it intends to develop (not just plan, mind you - develop) tactical nucular (sic) weapons designed to destroy weapons, people and inner-earth dwellers that seek to burrow themselves deep within the earth to evade our current generation of non-nucular bunker busters. Frighteningly enough, there are tactical nukes out there today, largely intended for taking out hardened missile silos, but these new toys are specifically designed to assassinate the Korean, Iraqi, Syrian, French and Gay leaders who would seek protection in deep subterranean lairs.

It's one thing to let the Genie out of the bottle. It's another to send him to
do your evil bidding.

Christie Todd Whitman Gets Chauffeurs with PhDs
John Heilprin of the Associated Press reported that our favorite Environmental Protector has converted the duties of her criminal pollution investigators. Where the criminal pollution investigators once investigated criminal pollution performed by criminal polluters, they are now being impelled to provide chauffeur service, return rental cars for Gov. Whitman's husband, hold tables for her at restaurants and providing security for the ex-Governor.

A comprehensive list of dos and donts has been provided to the investigators, including:

  • The Governor only travels in Lincoln Town Cars
  • pre-tune the radio to light jazz or classical music, volume low
  • be ready to stop at any Starbucks or Barnes and Noble
  • refer to the secretary of the EPA as "Governor"
  • do not engage in chit-chat with the Governor. Expect Governor Whitman to ask you how you are doing. This is not an opening to tell Governor Whitman your life story, your hobbies, your most interesting cases ... or what is wrong with the Bush administration."

Clearly, the agency empowered to protect the environment is ensuring that taxpayers' monies are most effectively used by utilizing these professionals in various roles, thus obviating the need to pay for separate security forces. Further, by taking them away from the tawdry business of prosecuting polluters, we are spending less money on the justice system. It's a win-win! Too bad Senator Sanitarium has the Turd of the Week so tightly in his clutches.

While You Weren't Looking...
The Paula Jones touting, Clinton accusing, Ollie North Defense Fund Raising Richard Delgaudio can now be referred to as the Paula Jones touting, Clinton accusing, Ollie North Defense Fund Raising, Kiddie Porn Producing Richard Delgaudio. It seems that Mr. Delgaudio, who was so morally outraged that a married Governor would express interest in a woman not his wife, apparently has no moral issue with producing images of non-consenting minors engaged in sexual acts. Unlike Pete Townsend, Gary Glitter and those horrific looking weirdo's we see on local news, Mr. Delgaudio was not merely in possession of kiddie porn. He has admitted to arranging a pornographic photoshoot with a 16 year-old single mother high school dropout.

His lawyer, the well known conservative Bruce Fein, spent much of the defense resources castigating the Baltimore District Attorney's by comparing them to the Nazi's Gestapo. Now, a gentle backtracking is in order for the Porn Star-Maker and his Rotweiller attorney.

Mr. Delgaudio's resume includes heading the conservative fund-raising organization, the Legal Affairs Council, which paid for Ollie North's defense and Paula Jones's travel and accommodations in appearing before the Conservative Political Action Committee Conference in Washington. He is the president of the National Security Center Inc. and chairman and director of the United States Intelligence Council. Delgaudio was one of the prime sponsors (along with the Christian Voice, ConservativeHQ.com, California Republican Assembly, Judicial Watch and other organizations dedicated to preventing the moral decay of modern society) of the Western Conservative Conference. The conference was led by the Rev. Lou Sheldon, head of the Traditional Values Coalition. In their own words:

With an emphasis on the restoration of the values needed to maintain strong, unified families, Traditional Values Coalition focuses upon issues such as education, homosexual advocacy, family tax relief, pornography, the right to life and religious freedom.

From www.traditionalvalues.org

Whoopsie!

Information source: The Washington Post

Antiquities? You Want Antiquities Protected?
An outraged Rummy, who conducts self-interviews everytime he sees a camera, showed contempt for whiners who are all caught up in the looting of the national museum of Iraq. It would seem these whiners are complaining about lack of American military protection for antiquities that are merely thousands of years old. In fact, American military might was busy protecting multi-million year old antiquities in the form of decayed dinosaurs remains and broad-leafed plants that are lurking just under the desert sand, ready for looting should we lapse in our stewardship.

Ashcroft Looking to Break Amnesty International's Top Ten
While you weren't looking, the Just-us department announced they would begin exercising, at their discretion, the right to detain illegal immigrants indefinitely, without counsel, without bail, without formal charges or any due process. What is a new development compared to the usual draconian Bush-era rape of human rights is that this time, there doesn't even have to be a hint of terrorist connection. If you're not American and don't have the documents, you have zero rights in our country.

Pat Buchanan is having a wet dream somewhere. (Brain Flush! Brain Flush!)

The Price Paid
The pundits of Sick of this Crap deeply regrets the loss of:

JAMES F. ADAMOUSKI • THOMAS MULLIN ADAMS • JAMAAL R. ADDISON • TRISTAN N. AITKEN • STEPHEN JOHN ALLBUTT • SAPPER LUKE ALLSOPP • BRIAN E. ANDERSON • JAY AUBIN • ANDREW JULIAN AVILES • CHAD E. BALES • STEVE BALLARD • RYAN BEAUPRE • WILFRED D. BELLARD • MICHAEL E. BITZ • THOMAS A. BLAIR • JEFFREY E. BOHR, JR • STEVON A. BOOKER • MATHEW G. BOULE • SHAUN ANDREW BRIERLEY • HENRY L. BROWN • JOHN E. BROWN • LARRY K. BROWN • BRIAN RORY BUESING • GEORGE EDWARD BUGGS • TAMARIO D. BURKETT • JACOB L. BUTLER • JAMES W. CAWLEY • JOHN CECIL • KEMAPHOOM A. CHANAWONG • THERREL S. CHILDERS • DAVID JEFFREY CLARKE • DONALD J. CLINE JR. • AARON J. CONTRERAS • SIMON CULLINGWORTH • DANIEL FRANCIS J. CUNNINGHAM • MICHAEL EDWARD CURTIN • ERIC B. DAS • WILBERT DAVIS • ROBERT J. DOWDY • RUBEN ESTRELLA-SOTO • LLYWELYN KARL EVANS • MARK A. EVNIN • GEORGE A. FERNANDEZ • THOMAS A. FOLEY III • TRAVIS A. FORD • DAVID K. FRIBLEY • JOSE A. GARIBAY • JUAN GUADALUPE GARZA JR. • JONATHAN L. GIFFORD • ARMANDO ARIEL GONZALEZ • JESUS A. GONZALEZ • JORGE A. GONZALEZ • BERNARD G. GOODEN • RICHARD A. GOWARD • PHILIP D GREEN • CHRISTIAN D. GURTNER • JOSE GUTIERREZ • PHILIP STUART GUY • ERIK A. HALVORSEN • SHOLTO HEDENSKOG • LES HEHIR • TERRY W. HEMINGWAY • NICHOLAS M. HODSON • LINCOLN D. HOLLINSAID • MATTY HULL • NOLEN R. HUTCHINGS • GREGORY P. HUXLEY, JR. • SCOTT JAMAR • EVAN T. JAMES • WILLIAM A. JEFFRIES • HOWARD JOHNSON II • MICHAEL VANN • JOHNHNSON JR. • DEVON D. JONES • PHILLIP A. JORDAN • JEFFREY J. KAYLOR • BRIAN KENNEDY • JAMES M. KIEHL • ANTONY KING • EDWARD J. KORN • BRADLEY S. KORTHAUS • MICHAEL V. LALUSH • MARC A. LAWRENCE • NINO D. LIVAUDAIS • RYAN P. LONG • CHRISTOPHER R MADDISON • JOSEPH B. MAGLIONE • KEVIN BARRY MAIN • IAN KEITH MALONE • JOHN W. MARSHALL • FRANCISCO A. MARTINEZ FLORES • JOHNNY VILLAREAL MATA • DONALD C. MAY, JR. • JOSEPH P. MAYEK • BRIAN D. MCGINNIS • BRIAN M. MCPHILLIPS • JESUS MARTIN ANTONIO MEDELLIN • JOSEPH MENUSA • GIL MERCADO • JASON M. MEYER • JASON DAVID MILEO •ANTHONY S. MILLER • GEORGE A. MITCHELL • CHRIS MUIR • PIPER CHRISTOPHER MUZVURU • KEVIN G. NAVE • PATRICK R. NIXON • DONALD S. OAKS JR. • PATRICK T. O'DAY • ERIC J. ORLOWSKI • DAVID EDWARD OWENS JR. • FERNANDO PADILLA-RAMIREZ • MICHAEL F. PEDERSEN • LORI PIESTEWA • FREDERICK E. POKORNEY JR • KELLEY S. PREWITT • RANDALL S. REHN • BRENDON C. REISS • DIEGO FERNANDO RINCON • DUANE R. RIOS • RUSSELL B. RIPPETOE • JOHN T. RIVERO • TODD J. ROBBINS • STEVEN MARK ROBERTS • ROBERT M. RODRIGUEZ • RANDAL KENT ROSACKER • BRANDON J. ROWE • BENJAMIN W. SAMMIS • GREGORY P. SANDERS • SCOTT D. SATHER • CHRISTOPHER SCOTT SEIFERT • IAN SEYMOUR • KARL SHEARER • ERIK H. SILVA • BRANDON SLOAN • THOMAS J. SLOCUM • EDWARD SMITH • ERIC A. SMITH • PAUL R. SMITH • JESUS A. SUAREZ DEL SOLAR • RODERIC A. SOLOMON • BARRY 'BAZ' STEPHEN • ROBERT A. STEVER • GREGORY STONE • MARK STRATFORD • RIAYAN A. TEJEDA • BRANDON S. TOBLER • KELAN JOHN TURRINGTON • DONALD WALTERS • JASON WARD • KENDALL DAMON WATERS-BEY • MICHAEL RUSSELL CREIGHTON WELDON • PHILIP WEST • NATHAN D. WHITE • WILLIAM W. WHITE • DAVID RHYS WILLIAMS • EUGENE WILLIAMS • JAMES WILLIAMS • MICHAEL J. WILLIAMS • ANDREW S. WILSON

 

...who are the Allied known fatalities to date (04/21/03). We also mourn the untold Iraqi dead whom we won't likely have names of ever, although thanks to the Iraqbodycount.net, we know the numbers to between the two figures of .

 
  Crap Archives
Links
About  
  Legal Disclaimer: All information on this site has been carefully considered as to its inflammatory value against the backdrop of the prevailing standards of cultural depravity. Research is spotty at best. The resulting verbiage, though dead-on and wickedly insightful (not to mention inciteful) should be considered pure satire, if for no other reason than to deflect lawsuits.