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The Last Bastion of America's Liberal Media

29 Sep 2003

Turd of the Week

George W. Bush, as number one catalyst in creating a destabilized world, you get this week's golden glistener. Your poll numbers are dropping below 50, and the Joe Millionaire numbed masses are tired of playing it your way.


Blabbering Bush Head

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Iraq War Cost
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Civilian casualties update
This data is an accounting of civilian deaths in Iraq to date.
See Iraqbodycount.net for statistical methodologies



Sponsors:


Growing fat off juicy Iraqi rebuildin' contracts. Did you know the bin Laden group is one of our top investors?


screw all the other stockholders, we're cashing out!


Hey, what do you know? We make money from American militarily screwed up countries in the Middle East!


We're already negotiating with the “new Iraqi democracy” for oil rights!


Selling weapons all over the globe to ensure civilian death and instability which in turn ensures a strong market for years and years...

 

 

Investing in the Next 20 Wars
For the eighth year in a row, the USA is the undisputed leader in global arms sales. We're Number ONE, baby!!! While our distribution of machines of death range from pole to pole, over three quarters of our customer base is in... drumroll, please... the Middle East!

Using Iraq as a model, it makes great economic sense for defense contractors! We sell a surfeit of destabilizing hardware to a troubled region, let it simmer gently over oppressive economic conditions, wait for the inevitable trouble to brew, then sell more weapons to the neighbors of said customers, or to the US Dept of Defense, or whomever. It's a great business model and if one is able to look beyond the vast human carnage, it's a damn smart investment!

Don't look for anybody to bump us from the top of the weapons heap. We're ahead of silver medalist Russia by 300% and with the cozy corrupt companionships between Washington and the defense industry, look for American-sponsored rivers of blood to flow for decades.

"The battle of Iraq is one victory in a war on terror that began on September the 11th, 2001."
Don't worry Bush sycophants. The quote above, uttered in his cool army guy costume on the deck of Abe Lincoln, is the closest I have found to date of a Bush linkage of mustache and September 11th. Clearly, Bush made no linkage, implied or implicit of Iraq and the horrific event. Bush is not responsible for the widespread stupidity of Americans. He's going to lead them to water, but if they drink it, it's their own damn fault.

Rest assured, statements like the above are proof positive that Bush wanted to be completely honest with the American people and there was no attempt whatsoever to even imply a linkage between Iraq and September 11th.

Weapons Report Looking Pretty Thin
The draft release of the interim report on the search for Iraqi weapons of mass destruction doesn't look very good for war fans. While White Housers leaked cocky assurances that the report had some <wink><wink> "surprises," the draft release's only promises of weaponry lies in the absence of proof of their nonexistence. One interviewee claimed to have been a security guard at a potential dual-use biochem facility, but that's the closest the report comes to any findings.

The Iraq Survey Group, led by David Kay, the former United Nations weapons inspector, has been charged by the CIA to scour the country in search of <please, please, please> anything, and I mean anything, that could be used to justify the globally destabilizing, ally alienating, taxpayer leeching, terrorist recruiting, citizen hoodwinking, civilian killing, armed forces exhausting, reelection subverting, oil plundering, Halliburton enriching, culture raping, terror fomenting, Operation Iraqi Freakdom.

It may be time to bring in some of our own WMD and spray paint some Arabic on them... Voila! Instant Credibility!

National Go Ahead and Call Me at Dinnertime List
I don't care where you sit on the political spectrum, unless you're insanely lonely, you can't stand the dinner time calls soliciting donations, selling you subscriptions and wasting your valuable time that could otherwise be spent yelling at your kids. So, when the Do-Not-Call Registry idea saw the light of day, the proponents of the registry were broad-based, while the opposition was a bunch of pasty hucksters claiming jobs in India, I mean Indiana, would be lost.

Then some federal court stopped the registry for violations of judicial protocol. Oh God! I supposed process fidelity is important in the court, but somebody please argue (on behalf of citizens) for the essential liberties preserved by having a laid off dotcommer call you for an unsolicited purchase of snake oil.

Next, Congress is passing legislation to authorize the blockage while federal judges are unblocking the blockage for blocking calls. The latest rationale is based around freedom of speech and the unnecessary curtailment of same by the do-not-call list.

Now, I am way big on freedom of speech, as is self-evident by my weakly weekly drivel. The problem I have is the whole idea that corporations have rights equal to people. There's nothing in the constitution which imbues corporations with rights. It's some esoteric yet sweeping 19th century court ruling after the Civil War in which corporations were deemed to have access to the same protection under the law as citizens. So now you have Elite Transglobal Magazine Subscriptions Inc claiming the government's establishment of the do not call registry tramples on their right to speak freely to you, whether you like it or not. Given the aforementioned interpretation of rights and corporations, this is tragically defensible.

I guess I'm just old fashioned, thinking rights were for people.

Bush's Bullying Yields Jack Squat from UN
Well the bloody chicken has come home to roost. After spending months denigrating the UN with a clear purpose of destroying it, Bush arrogantly demanded they send money and bomb fodder to Iraq to clean up his failed nation-building, all of course under the astute management of Bremmer, Rummy and Wolfie.

Guess what happened on the way to the east side of midtown Manhattan?

Nothing.

You can call it petty revenge if you want, but that conveniently ignores that Bush still wants the US at the helm. In other words, the leader of the failed nation building wants you to send your citizens in harms way with that same leader calling the shots that screwed everything up in the first place. The UN and its constituent nations, would be quite willing to clean up Bush's mess, but only if they get input into the rebuilding strategy.

Now it looks like the only way Bush can coerce nations into sending troops and money is if we given them buttloads of American dollars. Good thing our coffers are flush with moolah looking for a reason to get spent!

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