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10 Feb-03
Chronicling the new Empire of America, the uber-Bully.
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Turd of the Week

America becomes the rest of the world's turd by failing myserably to convey any legitimate reasons to invade Iraq. While some leaders go along to try and curry coattail favor with the big bully, the human beings that inhabit the world remain largely unimpressed.

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SOTC.com Provides New Pocket Guide to Global Villainy and Menace
In our ongoing service to provide citizenry with easy reference materials, streamlined of tedious detail, SOTC presents the pocket guide to global villainy. Sadly, Iraq is not really very competitive, as the grading system below indicates, although they are ahead of Canada and the Seychelles. Note Iraq gets a C+ to the USAs B-, while North Korea leads the pack with a solid A average. But of course that's before Professor Pissed weighs in on grade inflation...

International Agreement Defiance
Grade
Iraq Breaches UN arms-control agreements, or at least talks about same on radio channels monitored by Rumsfeld and makes sheds exactly the shape of sheds housing chemical weapons.
A-
North Korea Building nukes after getting food and technology for not doing so.
A+
USA Doesn't pay UN dues, didn't fulfill North Korean technology provisions as part of nuke freeze, repudiated ABM treaties with Soviets.
B-
Seychelles Do pretty much what they're told.
F
Terrorist Connections
Grade
Iraq Had some evil guy in hospital. Some Al Q'aeda middle managers running loose, presumably at the invitation of Baghdad, as Saddam controls everything. Very unimpressive.
D-
Pakistan Continues to house preponderance of remaining suspected Al Q'aeda leadership, maybe even the big O himself. Islamabad has not cracked down on these people to date.
B+
Saudi Arabia Primary financial mechanism for Al Q'aeda.
A
Afghanistan Still lots of Al Q'aeda running loose.
C+
Indonesia Harbors lots of Al Q'aeda splinter groups.
C
USA Harbors and abets Bush, Rumsfeld and Wolfowitz. Harbors Al Q'aeda members; acts as breeding ground for Tim McVeighs, Ted Kazynskis, Klan and a bunch of gun-toting weirdos in concrete bunkers in Montana.
B+
Iran Harboring many Al Q'aeda fugitives. Big on sharing death to America aspirations. Progress since Ayatullah spotty, despite Reagan gits of arms and cake.
B
North Korea None, until they start wholesaling nukes for cash
I
Finland Terrorists prefer sultry climates
F
Weapons of Mass Destruction
Grade
Iraq Some suspected chemical and biological agents. Enormously exaggerated "nucular" ambitions. Original anthrax spores provided by USA.
C-
North Korea Nukes, chemical agents, biological agents, delivery mechanisms
B+
France Nukes, dangerously smelly cheeses, ripe armpits
C+
Great Britain Nukes, rock and roll
B
Israel Nukes, lots of secret things in guarded vials
B
USA You name it, we got it. You fuck with us, we'll use it. You don't fuck with us, we might use it anyway.
A+++
China Big nukes, but don't worry. Most are pointed at Taiwan.
B-
Canada Rush, Celine Dion
B
Pakistan/India Ready to launch nukes over disputed region of sheep droppings and rock outcroppings.
B
Solomon Islands Pray for volcano to smite enemies
F
Human Rights Adherence Lapses
Grade
Iraq Historically bleak. Periodic gassing of dissidents and non-sycophantic advisors. Occasional starving of outlying upstarts. Women's rights much better than neighbors, though. Bringing their grade down is that the high-point of their citizen oppression was during the Reagan-Bush1 years when we were all cool with the killings.
B
Russia Not too much in the non-Chechnya parts
B
North Korea Standard bearers, keepers of the dream, exemplars, now that Stalin is dead and gone. Starvation? Extermination? Mind-Control? Check, check and check!
A+
Israel Killing many of their citiz... oops, those are just Palestinians. They don't count, we're told.
NA
Sudan Regular eye-gouging with nearest rock/bayonet, stick, human bone shard.
A
China Guy in front of Tiannamen tank now in labor camp making "Power of Pride" bumper stickers for your SUV.
Then, there's the whole Tibet thing.
B
USA Genocide of aboriginal population, enslavement and cultural destruction of Africans, oh wait, we've atoned for that. Guess we'll have to stick to inertia legacy of racism, capriciously applied death penalty and new Ashcroft policies of Patriot Act II.
C-
Canada Have a cold one, eh?
(we're willing to overlook some of their aboriginal issues in the search for an ethical counterpart to the above collections of scoundrels)
F
This section to exhaustive to complete. See amnesty.org...


screw all the other stockholders, we're cashing out!


Hey, what do you know? We make money from American militarily screwed up countries in the Middle East!


We're already negotiating with the “new Iraqi democracy” for oil rights!


Selling weapons all over the globe to ensure civilian death and instability which in turn ensures a strong market for years and years...

Bush to Invade France, Germany and whoever else wants a piece of this
SOTC surmises that with Old Europe's reluctance to suckle the Bush teat to W's liking, they are quickly moving up the enemies list. After Iraq, Iran and Belgium (a nice little apéritif for cleansing the palate) look for a nice makeover of the Franco-Germanic satellites states of Pax Americana.

Professor Pissed on Colin Powell's Adlai Stevenson Impersonation
Everything Powell said seems "incontrovertible" (that is, if you trust his earlier apparent integrity and assume that he truly believes what the "satellite image reading specialists" told him he was seeing in those blurry images). However, something major has gotten lost in the rush to decide whether or not his evidence has proven that Saddam has evil and nefarious intentions (which few would dispute anyway). What seems to have gotten lost is the point that THERE'S NO REASON WHY WE ARE SUDDENLY ON SADDAM'S ASS. Except for the obvious explanations of: 1) revenge for George Bush Sr., who was humiliated at his hands in '91 (remember, Saddam never capitulated); 2) and access to oil, oil, oil.

The latter reason, of course, explains why we are kid-gloving Saudi Arabia, even though it was clearly Saudi Arabian money that funded Al Q'aeda.

Al Q'aeda? What's that.... Oh, yeah. They are the terrorists who supposedly have some link to Iraq. And that's why we are about to wage war on Saddam. What is the link? Powell's explanation, buried at the end of his long discourses on Saddam's weapon-making trucks, etc., was hardly convincing by any account.

Typically enough, when a government wants to wage war, it constructs a rhetoric of fear to convince the people there is no alternative. Sadly, this strategy seems to be working as the general media trend has been to take Powell's arguments at face value rather than remembering that whether or not Saddam is making weapons is hardly the issue. We've lost sight of what the *war on terrorism* was supposedly about, thanks to Bush's changing the subject.
-- Professor Pissed


Professor Pissed is a tree-huggin', World War I expert who has never smoked pot more than once, if that.

The Smoking Holster
We saw grainy pictures that we are told are clear compelling evidence of biological and chemical weaponry. We hear translated voice tapes we are told are of Iraqi military personnel discussing weapon-hiding. We hear stories of airplanes capable to spraying poison (or fertilizer, I suppose) over large areas. Okay, let's assume we are being told the truth.

1) There is still no evidence that Saddam is even 10 years away from nuclear capability
2) The Al Q'aeda connection was laughable, especially when compared to many other countries we're supposedly chums with.

3) Kudos to the Bush team, however for successfully selling an absolutely ridiculous war against a foe whose threat is absolutely minuscule when compared to many, many other nations/cells/insurrections (see chart above).

Now we hear stories about Bush's war planning team considering using nuclear weaponry as tactical components of the war. Lowering the bar for nuclear weaponry in the name of oil, paternal revenge and posturing would certainly put Bush on the same level as Hitler and Stalin, obliterating what little is left of America's moral credibility in the world.

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