u  p  d  a  t  e  d     w  e  e  k  l  y !
17 Feb-03
Chronicling the new Empire of America, the uber-Bully.

Turd of the Week

We hate to pick on former token rational member of the Bush cabinet, but Colin Powell's comments to the UN security council in which he admitted the true reasons for invading Iraq were both refreshingly honest and horrifying. He stated the Bush administration's invasion subtext to refashion the middle east in a way more suited to American interests. Can someone look up "imperialism" in the dictionary for me?

See full stories

Bush Dismantling UN, NATO
What the Soviet Union spent billions of rubles over decades attempting, while ultimately imploding under the weighty task, George Bush is accomplishing with some good old fashion Texas trash-talking with a hint of nuclear tipped saber-rattling. By ignoring the opinion of the vast majority of cognitive Homo Sapiens on the planet and lurching forward in his attempt to thwart Iraq, the 17th greatest threat to world peace, he is forcing rends in the North Atlantic Treaty Organization and the United Nations, from which full recovery is doubtful.

Where Daddy understood the importance of building strong international agreement for a war of dubious merit (I can't believe I'm defending that asshole!), Sonny boy sees them as impediments to getting this cool war started. Not one to be denied a testosterone thrill, our leader is simply rendering those organizations impotent by using the one thing America still has over the rest of the world - the ability to kill everyone else hundreds of times over. It's Bush's only card, but hell, play the cards you deal yourself!

So within a few months, Bush gets a double woody - he gets to kill Iraqis AND render international peacekeeping a farce. And with his push for the irrelevance of the United Nations, Bush gets to accomplish what Slobodan Milosevic, Idi Amin, Saddam and hundreds of other despots have dreamed of accomplishing - the destruction of the U.N. I wonder what the Bush administration is planning for that choice real estate on the East River of New York City?

I guess the world's harmony will no longer rely on outdated notions, such as having different nations weigh in on issues of global concern. No, that whole diplomacy thing requires tedious consensus building and time-consuming discourse. Instead, Bush is pushing toward a uni-Bush-lateral international decision-making process in which other nation's opinions will no longer act as barnacles on the hull of the USS Hegemony.

Next moonless night is first week in March. Time to tell the broker to invest in Martin Marietta and buy gas masks for the kids!

screw all the other stockholders, we're cashing out!

Hey, what do you know? We make money from American militarily screwed up countries in the Middle East!

We're already negotiating with the “new Iraqi democracy” for oil rights!

Selling weapons all over the globe to ensure civilian death and instability which in turn ensures a strong market for years and years...

Beard and Mustache - the case for co-frolicking evil
Remember how Condi Rice was outraged by the media's insistence at playing Beard's tapes on the airwaves where they could convey a coded message for attack? Well, that was before Beard came out of semi-retirement to make statements vaguely encouraging Iraqi people to, in spite of their infidelitous socialist leadership, stand strong against the American forces of evil.

I mean, it's not like Beard would have any particular reason for wanting the US to invade Iraq (smirk). Beard would gain nothing aside from: more recruits, increased international disgust with American Imperialism, a diluted focus on his organization, more Korean nuke availability, more money flowing from disgusted Arab bazillionaires, opportunity to foment a fundamentalist regime in place of infidelitous socialist leadership. Otherwise, zip.

The case for connecting the mustache'd guy and the bearded guy remains very tenuous. Relying on Mustache's iron-fisted control of every aspect of Iraqi life, the theory goes that anything smacking of Al Q'aeda within a country the size of France (coincidence? I think not!) obviously has Mustache's imprimatur& buggar wipe on the authorization papers.

The recent New Yorker makes a valiant attempt to draw connections between Mustache and Beard, and does a better job than anything else I've read (including Powell's UN presentation), but ultimately admits that the case must be built on a series of inferences, assumptions and leaps of faith, none of which, by the way, are needed to build the case for Saudi, Sudanese, Yemeni, Pakistani or Iranian involvement with Al Q'aeda. But I guess they just don't register on the Bush radar.

Conveniently ignored in the video evidence of intertwinibility was the fact that Bush hasn't caught the main badass that is ultimately the source of his war lust. Shouldn't we maybe try to get the bearded guy, then maybe, well, I know it sounds crazy, but how about encouraging the spread of moderate Islamic governments in the Arab world through diplomatic means. Sure, it's not as sexy as blowing the legs off Iraqi women and children in pursuit of a trophy head for the Bush ranch, but who knows? It just may work. So I suppose we'll have to wait until 2025, when the Hydrogen-powered Bush mobiles allow us to interact with the region in a less oil-hungry fashion.

Leave it to the Bush marketing machine to take this ugly reminder of a job undone and morph it into a lame-assed connection between the guy who we all really hate and the guy he wants us to hate. So now we're at level orange for an unspecified threat which could happen at an unspecified time, by unspecified assailants, using unspecified means of spreading unspecified horror. Thanks Ash, Ridge, that really gives us a lot to work with.

Professor Pissed is on assignment at a secret, undisclosed location...

Patriot Act II - Bend Over and Spread 'em - Here it comes!
Despite elaborate attempts to cover up the latest suppression of our freedoms in the name of protecting our freedoms, text of the Domestic Security Enhancement Act has come to light. These rejections of protections enjoyed by millions of Americans since the signing of the Constitution are being carried by self-described "defenders of liberty and freedom." What a fuckin' sad joke. Apparently, Americans have too much freedom, which has led to terrorism. To ensure total effectiveness of despotic oppression, the Justice Department now exercises Patriot Act powers of authority without any procedural redress. There is no appeal. There is no accountability to any other branch of government or the citizenry at large. And there are built in mechanisms to ensure you can't find out what they're doing.

Since we can't seem to capture ObL or most of his main circle, the only answer is to subject ourselves to the oppression of PA1 and the following new goodies:

  • Unlimited wiretaps of any citizens without a warrant and without probable cause (section 312)
  • Justice department has full unfettered right to revoke your citizenship for any reason related, in its estimation and its estimation alone, to terrorist activities (Section 501)
  • Revocation of your right to learn about any family member or friend detained by authorities (Section 201)
  • Revocation of your right to learn about toxic waste sites that could threaten your health (Section 202)
  • Authorizes the government to forcibly extract DNA samples from any citizen suspected of engagin in any activity related, in its estimation and its estimation alone, to terrorist activity (Sections 301-306)

Did the founding fathers risk their lives to stop this kind of crap? How can anyone rail against government meddling in our lives and then accept this kind of big brother power that is accountable to no one?

   Crap Archives
  Legal Disclaimer: All information on this site has been carefully considered as to its inflammatory value against the backdrop of the prevailing standards of cultural depravity. Research is spotty at best. The resulting verbiage, though dead-on and wickedly insightful (not to mention inciteful) should be considered pure satire, if for no other reason than to deflect lawsuits.