u  p  d  a  t  e  d     w  e  e  k  l  y !
17 Mar 03
Chronicling the new Empire of America, the uber-Bully.
ARCHIVES

Turd of the Week

Ari Fleisher! Come on Down! Ari is this week's winner after his latest rationale on the need to invade.

See full stories


Grab Some Popcorn America. We're Going to War!
In a huge relief to impatient bloodlusting flag-shrouded America-Uber-Alles types across our country, W is giving his last-and-I-mean-really-last-chance-this-time ultimatum to Saddam. This crap-sickened pundit delayed updating this week's issue of SOTC.com, so that we could provide the latest in political analysis afforded by our great leader's address to patriots and those of us who get covered in second hand blood.

And we learned nothing new. Same old shit, same bag and everything. Nothing has changed:

  • Bush is on the verge of a pre-emptive war against a foe of his own annointing, who has not attacked us, nor does he pose a plausible near-term threat
  • Bush has alienated nearly all of the nations and peoples of the world with his approach
  • Bush's attempts to control the vocabulary of war have failed
  • In order to minimize US military casualties, Bush will pursue a military strategy that will inflict significant civilian casualties upon the Iraqis he purports to liberate

How fitting that he who did not get the votes for the presidency now pursues a war in which he did not get UN votes. As a member of the hyper-privileged class, the concept of earning the things he desires (a baseball team, Yale admittance, the Presidency, killing Iraqis) is foreign to him.

No doubt American media will be prevented from displaying the true horrors of the terror we will reign upon the Iraqi people. But when it's time to show Saddam's mechanisms of torture and terror in maintaining power (and there certainly are such mechanisms), rest assured the American media will have a front row seat.

...and the stock market soars.

Sponsors:


screw all the other stockholders, we're cashing out!


Hey, what do you know? We make money from American militarily screwed up countries in the Middle East!


We're already negotiating with the “new Iraqi democracy” for oil rights!


Selling weapons all over the globe to ensure civilian death and instability which in turn ensures a strong market for years and years...

Coalition of the Wilting
Hey, where's everybody going? All those Red White and Butt-kissers are having second thoughts. Turkey is hemming, Guinea is hawing and even honorary Texan Tony Blair is noticing that his nation is 98% against his sucking the W teat. It's those damn French and their ignorance about war again! They act as the tiny Dorothy dousing the Wicked Witch of Washington with her bucket of water. So, we're retaliating against their insubordination by renaming their cultural influence "Freedom." Wow, that's harsh.

With the coalition looking starrier and stripier than ever and the world waking up to the minor reality of Saddam's threat, there is a growing recognition that Bush's main policy initiatives were cast in 1992 in a hard impenetrable shell that protects them from the slings and arrows of current events. The whole war on Iraq and the tax cut push are becoming increasingly clear as programs whose impetus has been a given from day one, with unfolding global events interpreted by the Ministry of Propaganda as to their value in advancing these two great inevitabilities.

Bush noted in a recent radio address that it is the 15th year anniversary of Saddam's gassing of the innocent citizens of the Kurdish village of Halabja. Too bad he forgot to mention what that at that very moment, his Daddy, Rummy, Wolfie, Dick Cheney and a cadre of other current cronies were giving the same despot the thumbs up, while they sent him Anthrax stocks, artillery weapons, money and the land mines which have killed and permanently crippled thousands of Iraqi children.  Just another ugly reminder that US/Iraqi policy has never been, nor appears to be for the foreseeable future, a matter of ethics.

So if no one is going to stand by Bush in his tiny wet-paint surrounded corner, then dammit, we have to wage war against the largely harmless on our own! But don't come begging for that sweet Iraqi crude, or as we'll soon know it... "Freedom Juice!"

Why We Have to Invade, and Quick
In last week's press conference, Ari Fleisher, master of Orwellian doublespeak, explained that it was of utmost importance that we invade to prevent an imminent Iraqi peril facing hundreds and thousands of Americans. Which Americans are those who are directly in the shadow of danger at the hand of Saddam, you ask? Why, the thousands of troops poised in nearby host nations, hovering at the border, waiting for the green light.

So, it seems our troops need to invade because their presence puts them within range of our enemy, who could actually (gasp!) fight back against them, the currs!

Axis of Evil Noticeably Imbalanced
Just as a reminder to the dwindling supporters of the war on Iraq, there are two other countries in Bush's beloved axis of evil. For the trivia buffs among us, that would be Iran with an "N" and North Korea, the evil Korea that doesn't make VCRs. While we're busy puffing up our peacock feathers at Iraq with a "Q" (and a complete disregard to the requisite following "U"), obscure and secret intelligence sources known only by their code names as "The Associated Press" and "The New York Times" among others, inform those in the inner circle that apparently the vague militerroristic ambitions that are ambiguously attributed to Iraq at some dark date in the future (accompanied by blustery visions of September 11th we're told), are very much a reality in North Korea and an imminent reality in Iran with an "N."

But I guess real threats are no match for murky evil images drawn by our leader who can make ethereal platitudes about mustache and beard in an unholy and implausible alliance of convenience.

War Crimes
This irony-strained crap-sickened pundit is especially taken aback by the latest from the Bush White house - they have announced their list of "war criminals" to be prosecuted once the war is over. So... the war hasn't started and we're already figuring out who the criminals are. Wow.

Oh wait, the war started in 1991... Yeah that's right. We're invading to continue our defense of Kuwait.

   Crap Archives
Links
Contact    
  Legal Disclaimer: All information on this site has been carefully considered as to its inflammatory value against the backdrop of the prevailing standards of cultural depravity. Research is spotty at best. The resulting verbiage, though dead-on and wickedly insightful (not to mention inciteful) should be considered pure satire, if for no other reason than to deflect lawsuits.