Chronicling the new Empire of America, the uber-Bully.

Turd of the Week

For this quiet week of stealthily executed crap, Christie Todd Whitman wins for her stewardship of the screw-the-wetlands initiative.

See full story below...

2002- a look back
We didn't catch Osama. He's on tape cheerleading our futile searches for him.
Afghanistan is a freakin' mess. We don't nation-build, but we sure as fuck nation-crush.

We can't quite get the rest of the world to share our lust for Saddam's ass. They keep on wanting proof when we've already told them he's got evil weapons on account of we told everybody so, that's why. That damn UN keeps getting in the way of our warmongering!
• The economy still sucks and no one in Washington seems to give a damn.
• Renquist is ready to retire and Bush is looking for a Bork, but with better hair.
• North Korea is moving toward nuclear brinksmanship, or maybe they are such fans of the new bully America, they are emulating us.

And Bush has a 110% approval rating.

screw all the other stockholders, we're cashing out!

Hey, what do you know? We make money from American militarily screwed up countries in the Middle East!

We're already negotiating with the “new Iraqi democracy” for oil rights!

Selling weapons all over the globe to ensure civilian death and instability which in turn ensures a strong market for years and years...

Koreans vie for America's attention
In a attempt to steal headlines otherwise earmarked for middle-eastern borne anihilation, North Korea has announced it is building gigantic nuclear warheads, but insists it is only to provide power to a country ravaged by American-spearheaded economic sanctions.

These guys have a lot of balls, scooping up economic incentives for non-proliferation for years, while proliferating nukes to the point they can't hide their efforts anymore, then going public with their intentions so as to get bigger and better economic incentives to really not proliferate nukes after all. Now they're setting up Kim Chi stands in the DMZ and accusing America of meddling with the spirit of good will between Koreas North and South. We don't really care as long as we keep getting cheap DVD players.

Don't worry kids, Rumsfeld has everything under control and has declared American eagerness "to get it on in the Korean peninsula." Two wars, three wars, hell, we'll fight ya' with both hands tied behind our back and a simpleton for a president. That's how damn badassed we be!

  Professor Pissed - our first guest columnist!!!  

The Power of Pride...and 12MPG
The spoiled gas-guzzlers who make this country *great* have discovered a new way to make the economy work.... in their favor. Because of a law passed in the late 1970s to subsidize costs for farmers and construction workers (who would have thought at that time that people would _want_ to drive the unwieldy truck-based vehicles that the middle-classes on up now drool over at dealerships?), owners of the very largest luxury SUVs get a $13,476 tax break for driving a vehicle weighing over 6000 pounds.

Let's repeat that: those people driving the most grotesquely excessive Lincoln Navigators, Ford Expeditions, and Hummers, the latter nothing less than gargantuan army tanks masquerading as cars (and very expensive ones at that), threaten the lives of people driving reasonably sized vehicles while they suck up massive ponds of gas at every jaunt to the 7-11 around the block


This tax break keeps their pockets full of cash so they can shell out the $75 required to fill their tanks every other day when they empty their fumes into the air. Using the Republican logic spawned by Ronnie Reagan, the tax break must be fueling (so to speak) our economy; among other things, it ensures that we continue to import 60% of the world's oil and to maintain our dependence on the very governments we are otherwise antagonizing in every way (and whose policies are often directly opposed to the values the US supposedly promotes): Saudia Arabia and Iraq.

Oh, except our economy is collapsing. While the economies of Saudia Arabia and Iraq aren't doing so bad. Maybe that's why we have to go kick Saddam's ass -- gotta keep that oil flowing, so I can go spew my Hummer-exhaust in the face of my hybrid-car-driving neighbor. That'll show them (who?) who's boss.

Professor Pissed is a Los Angeles based writer, professional rabble-rouser and retired fencer. Go Professor, Go!!!

  Croutons of Mass Destruction
It's American war-lust tit for Saddam's poor little innocent despot tat. America declares Saddam in material breach of prevailing UN arms disposal terms of surrendur and then, get this, insists that he could hide anything he wants from arms inspectors anyway, so we have to invade Iraq on the premise that finding nothing only proves that he could be hiding all sorts of evil weaponry. Saddam, in a desperate attempt to secure an Oscar, portrays the ever-agreeable tyrant next door by saying he'll let scientists leave the country to insure their testimony is unbiased by the threat of death hanging over anyone who looks Saddam the wrong way.
  One Turtle's Swamp is Another Developer's Wal-Mart
In an effort to remove the shackles of oppressive environmental protection from the legs, arms and necks of our nation's beleageured developers, the EPA has traded out the tired old policies of the Reagan, Carter, Bush I and Clinton eras for a new streamlined approach. In this new approach to environmental management, the EPA will seek to maintain wetland environments on a qualitative, rather than a quantitative basis. So, rather than obligating communities to preserve a certain number of acres of wetlands, as arbitrarily defined by terrain and prevailing meterological conditions, communities can focus on wetlands that really pack a bio-diversity punch. Eventually, entire states can foster an incredibly rich wetland community (I suppose you could call it a zoo) and pave all the wimpy-assed wetlands that just aren't up to qualititative snuff.
   Crap Archives
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